Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wednesday Workday

Even my writing style changes with my mood! Had sucha lovely time wednesday, n all the good energy i went home with carried over into the next day. Didnt last long though...

" Im jus a lil amazed at how much better i could focus tonight on homework after coming home from afh :) all the happiness forreal went straight into my concentration, n for the first time since maybe the first week of noballs, im done b4 12!

Im legit so content right now :)

E     is toooo fucking dope! He drives a nice ford or jeep or something...i suck wit cars...but its a big car n he looks fuckin cool when he drives hahahahh. So as o    n i are walking to the bus stop from noballs, he sees us, honks, n pulls up to us, asking where were going. Then o    asks for a ride n hes totally cool wit it! I was def taken aback! He always seemed a lil grumpy to me, but here he was being friendly n chill as hellll. So he drove us the few minutes way to the stop, bumpin jayz, watch the throne! I was like wooooahhhhh who is this??!!! Mad nice!! N soon as we thanked e     n got off, bus pulled right up :D same wit the orange line, AND the red line! Our timing was too goodddd. But yeah, mad love n respect for e     now tha ive seen this side of him. Def one of those “the time to make up your mind about someone is never” moments! So much bout him, bout everyone, tha ill never know unless im lucky for times like this. I wanna bake him cookies hahahah

P   has a tat! Got it on sat, its a celtic cross on his biceps, its cleannnnn! N i love p  , hes jus maddd nice n too funny! He makes me feel like who we hang out with determines nothing, n thas a rare gift at noballs. I heard bout him showing it off in journalism thru s     , n den behind me in the line for the all school pic. j       was tryna rub off his fresh tat so p   was screaming, “wat the hell are you doing?!” j: “checking to see if its fake.” Hahahahah

Grinding up against o    from behind in the all school photo was not the biznizzz...n    was mad funny n adorable behind me tho! Been a minute since i talked to her like i did today. So many good vibes today tha made me want to be closer to so many pples

Another one of those damn shitty school days cos i was running on 4 hours, didnt care about anything in class, wished i could actually give a fuck, struggled with almost walking to lunch alone, wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about everything, yet still had to do mad in class shit like the race essay. It was a scaryass long Wednesday.

But then i got to afh, saw familar n new faces, did my thing n painted, n everything was good again. :) honest to the universe, i was happy. It kinda sucks how much of a surprise it is everytime i find myself not feelin shitty lately, but thats the truth of this.

Maddd nerves in the studio at first! Cos it was my first day with my canvas while it was everyone elses second, n mad shit like my reputation was riding on my productivity today. I did ok tho, got proportions down n all white spaces covered. Everyones is lookin ill already, n thas both intimidating n inspiring. Im feelin more confident now tho, now tha i realized i can still paint :) having it all in front of me now, the culmination of the anxiety n the sketching process, makes me happy, cos im falling in love with the medium all over again n im loving wat im doing. Afh is my fuckin sanctuary. <3 the energy n purpose of afh reteaches me how best to live every time. Its beyond my own understanding how deeply its roots have taken hold of me in the most positive ways. I thank all things good for my blessings

W    's sucha teddy bear! Hes still kinda a beginner but he can painttt!! He jus needs more confidence, same wit me ahah. N were set up right next to each other for mutual support, n its a healthy system :) its damn comforting to hear him compliment my work, even more when he jus stands back n watches me paint, saying nothing. Daaaaw hes the best!

My graphics boysssss, how i missed them! It was so good seeing em again, even tho their studios down to half. Actually, most of the studios were smaller, esp the paint studio! I was damn blown away by how spacious the room was! Sculpture grew tho.

J     asked me at one point, outa the blue, "do girls just wanna have fun?" hahahahah <3

Aaaahhh so good seeing n   <3 i miss herrrr, tha babe. We couldnt spend tha much time together tho cos we both hadda work, but we goofed off a lil after we were off n i was waiting for ba to pull up. I needa date wit her soonsiesss!

L    was mad tha h      ditched her again. Sucks to give a fuck! Teehee, jus kiddingg!

Video interviewed me real quick, n i felt so awkward answering their questions on the fly, knowin i was on camera n under an intense light! Which reminds me, a     texted me earlier this week!! Shes suchaaaa sweetie, jeeezzz its amazing! Shes holding my words against me, so i gotta plan the cake balls day asapperssss!

My god. My heart dropped at one point. I was just starting to paint, laying down the composition in glazes n chalk, when h      the photo mentor comes n stands between my n w    's easles, so to my right. Then s       was there cos shed called him over, so the two of em now right next to me. N thats when h      asked,

“is d          here?”

my concentration shattered with the rush of thoughts devoted to him. What a blessing and a curse, never forgetting d    , not even for a day or night.  

s       answered, “no, d    's not here.”
H     , “oh. We wanted to photograph him with his chairs.”
Some quiet facial expressions are exchanged, n then she moves on. But i was still processing what had happened in tha one moment.

Of all places n times for tha convo to take place, it happened to be right where i was. Like it was something intended for my ears too

I dont know how to handle these signs. These “signs.” 

I didnt for a second fool myself into hoping he might be at afh today. I was smart enough (today) to accept the things i already know.

When ba picked me up, we got thai iced tea n cafe sua da from ba le in dorchester :) it was nice, n unexpected. ba doesnt usually suggest food trips

Ive been thinking, some days i cant take the way ma ba make me feel like less of a person, less of a progressively growing individual, but other days i feel sorry tha im their daughter. I feel sorry tha im not good enough, tha im not wat they deserve. Some days. " 

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