Saturday, September 24, 2011

Why Write?

2nd post with "w" alliteration :)

So i just wanted to address real quick how youre reading this, as in this sentence/post/blogspot/public collection of my thoughts. 

This is for me, but in a lot of ways just as much so for you.  

At the end of the day, this is just another outlet, n it will always come second to my personal journal, full of everything from my secrets to my girly lil poems. The difference between the two for me is the element of exposure that comes with this blogspot; its an odd comfort to just know that what i keep tucked away is suddenly out in the open, even if verrrry few people take the time to actually look. Its a variation of the catharsis writing gives me.

Specifically to you though, these are the confessions that i want you to know, but dont always know how to say aloud. Im sorry for my bitchy days/everything ive done thas ever thrown you off, offended you, or made you seriously wonder wtf k  ?! ( I know we just talked about that last night n how you totally get me, but stillll your acceptance n coolnizzz shouldnt forever justify my shit! Its all love though, forreal, i mean it n thank you!) These are the reasons, the makeup of my perspective, the thoughts that come out in all the wrong ways. Even if we never talk about these things, it doesnt matter. Just knowing that you know n feel me is a gift in n of itself. Yee buddy :)

Most of everything i post up is nonsense without context. (Most of everything i post up is also about yenno which dude who fucks me up inside...for better n for worse.) In a single post, ill switch tenses every other line. Write to multiple you's, but wont specify who im referring to each time (happening right now). Put thoughts down like a schizophrenic without a filter. Analyze n reread madd chunks of my journal like a textbook. In these ways, the blog is more obviously for me, but its the freedom of interpretation n imagining of missing details that i (sometimes purposely) leave for you. 

I post in the hopes that youll read these words n feel something. I hope youll find relevance, feel a lil less misunderstood, n learn that were both caught up in the same struggles n revelations. I hope my eyes will enlighten your own, n add complexity n sensitivity to your perspective. I hope youll be inspired to stay hoping, no matter how well you learn the throbbing aches of disappointment. Know that im striving to do the very same for myself by writing writing writing always always always. 

N if none of the above, i hope all my shitty silliness is entertaining as fuck for you. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Wednesday Workday

Even my writing style changes with my mood! Had sucha lovely time wednesday, n all the good energy i went home with carried over into the next day. Didnt last long though...

" Im jus a lil amazed at how much better i could focus tonight on homework after coming home from afh :) all the happiness forreal went straight into my concentration, n for the first time since maybe the first week of noballs, im done b4 12!

Im legit so content right now :)

E     is toooo fucking dope! He drives a nice ford or jeep or something...i suck wit cars...but its a big car n he looks fuckin cool when he drives hahahahh. So as o    n i are walking to the bus stop from noballs, he sees us, honks, n pulls up to us, asking where were going. Then o    asks for a ride n hes totally cool wit it! I was def taken aback! He always seemed a lil grumpy to me, but here he was being friendly n chill as hellll. So he drove us the few minutes way to the stop, bumpin jayz, watch the throne! I was like wooooahhhhh who is this??!!! Mad nice!! N soon as we thanked e     n got off, bus pulled right up :D same wit the orange line, AND the red line! Our timing was too goodddd. But yeah, mad love n respect for e     now tha ive seen this side of him. Def one of those “the time to make up your mind about someone is never” moments! So much bout him, bout everyone, tha ill never know unless im lucky for times like this. I wanna bake him cookies hahahah

P   has a tat! Got it on sat, its a celtic cross on his biceps, its cleannnnn! N i love p  , hes jus maddd nice n too funny! He makes me feel like who we hang out with determines nothing, n thas a rare gift at noballs. I heard bout him showing it off in journalism thru s     , n den behind me in the line for the all school pic. j       was tryna rub off his fresh tat so p   was screaming, “wat the hell are you doing?!” j: “checking to see if its fake.” Hahahahah

Grinding up against o    from behind in the all school photo was not the biznizzz...n    was mad funny n adorable behind me tho! Been a minute since i talked to her like i did today. So many good vibes today tha made me want to be closer to so many pples

Another one of those damn shitty school days cos i was running on 4 hours, didnt care about anything in class, wished i could actually give a fuck, struggled with almost walking to lunch alone, wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about everything, yet still had to do mad in class shit like the race essay. It was a scaryass long Wednesday.

But then i got to afh, saw familar n new faces, did my thing n painted, n everything was good again. :) honest to the universe, i was happy. It kinda sucks how much of a surprise it is everytime i find myself not feelin shitty lately, but thats the truth of this.

Maddd nerves in the studio at first! Cos it was my first day with my canvas while it was everyone elses second, n mad shit like my reputation was riding on my productivity today. I did ok tho, got proportions down n all white spaces covered. Everyones is lookin ill already, n thas both intimidating n inspiring. Im feelin more confident now tho, now tha i realized i can still paint :) having it all in front of me now, the culmination of the anxiety n the sketching process, makes me happy, cos im falling in love with the medium all over again n im loving wat im doing. Afh is my fuckin sanctuary. <3 the energy n purpose of afh reteaches me how best to live every time. Its beyond my own understanding how deeply its roots have taken hold of me in the most positive ways. I thank all things good for my blessings

W    's sucha teddy bear! Hes still kinda a beginner but he can painttt!! He jus needs more confidence, same wit me ahah. N were set up right next to each other for mutual support, n its a healthy system :) its damn comforting to hear him compliment my work, even more when he jus stands back n watches me paint, saying nothing. Daaaaw hes the best!

My graphics boysssss, how i missed them! It was so good seeing em again, even tho their studios down to half. Actually, most of the studios were smaller, esp the paint studio! I was damn blown away by how spacious the room was! Sculpture grew tho.

J     asked me at one point, outa the blue, "do girls just wanna have fun?" hahahahah <3

Aaaahhh so good seeing n   <3 i miss herrrr, tha babe. We couldnt spend tha much time together tho cos we both hadda work, but we goofed off a lil after we were off n i was waiting for ba to pull up. I needa date wit her soonsiesss!

L    was mad tha h      ditched her again. Sucks to give a fuck! Teehee, jus kiddingg!

Video interviewed me real quick, n i felt so awkward answering their questions on the fly, knowin i was on camera n under an intense light! Which reminds me, a     texted me earlier this week!! Shes suchaaaa sweetie, jeeezzz its amazing! Shes holding my words against me, so i gotta plan the cake balls day asapperssss!

My god. My heart dropped at one point. I was just starting to paint, laying down the composition in glazes n chalk, when h      the photo mentor comes n stands between my n w    's easles, so to my right. Then s       was there cos shed called him over, so the two of em now right next to me. N thats when h      asked,

“is d          here?”

my concentration shattered with the rush of thoughts devoted to him. What a blessing and a curse, never forgetting d    , not even for a day or night.  

s       answered, “no, d    's not here.”
H     , “oh. We wanted to photograph him with his chairs.”
Some quiet facial expressions are exchanged, n then she moves on. But i was still processing what had happened in tha one moment.

Of all places n times for tha convo to take place, it happened to be right where i was. Like it was something intended for my ears too

I dont know how to handle these signs. These “signs.” 

I didnt for a second fool myself into hoping he might be at afh today. I was smart enough (today) to accept the things i already know.

When ba picked me up, we got thai iced tea n cafe sua da from ba le in dorchester :) it was nice, n unexpected. ba doesnt usually suggest food trips

Ive been thinking, some days i cant take the way ma ba make me feel like less of a person, less of a progressively growing individual, but other days i feel sorry tha im their daughter. I feel sorry tha im not good enough, tha im not wat they deserve. Some days. " 

Right Now #3

the shit you just pulled on me. had me waiting n worried as hell, running around tryna find a phone to call you with. finally do, n all you have to say is tha you changed your mind n would be late, told me to be ready n sitting outside so tha i dont keep you waiting. finally get in, n immediately you make a joke of my emotions, blaming another bad day at school for my pissed off, tired facial expression. i stayed quiet, giving you shortass answers, no laughter, kept praying for silence. instead, when my responses dont satisfy you, you cut the jokes. you tell me i have no reason to be upset, tha you showed up in the end, tha i should stop making tha face.

how is it tha even when the roles are reversed, youre still the one with seemingly all the rights to be the only person unhappy? n i still end up defenseless n fully submissive?

theres nothing more exhausting than repeating to myself, they had a tough day...they had a tough day...they are more tired n deserving of peace than i am...

why i didnt feel 100% comfy in the affinity group tonight:

i walk in, see one young girl sitting n eating without anyone sitting on either side of her, n say hi, tryna make conversation.

me: "you were involved last year too, right?"
her: "yeah, i was!"
me: "mhm, good to see you again!"

then, as im getting up to grab food, the student leader indiscreetly whispers to her friend, "funny how k   said that when she never came to a meeting last year..." 

out of immediate reactions, i whipped around n asked a clarifying, "what?" not sure if id heard them right...

but their quiet "oh, nothing"s, the way they wouldnt look at me, n the subtle shame of being caught on their faces, explained everything. 

i didnt mean to offend or front or any shit like tha. just wanted to engage a shy girl they left hanging. its so mature of them to neglect their duties as senior leaders n have their private lil conversations, then judgmentally critique other participants in the support group.

feelin mad discouraged from coming to future meetings, but theyre just 2 people who i shouldnt let affect me. well see.

i needa chill the fuck out n stop trippinnnn on signsssss (/shit i imagine into the universe's "signs"). hearing h      ask aloud about him right inside my ear made my heart sink...i think it was the setting tha made me miss him so much deeper. now tha i think about it, yesterday was my first time at afh without seeing d     since the beginning of summer...not counting his sick days n his court trial days teehee. it just gave me a pang right then knowing he forreal wasnt around anymore, when it felt like he was built into the very foundation. when he embodied so many aspects of afh n positivity to me. when i was too used to always getting excited n sweetly nervous to see him there.

ms. w       told us today wed be driving down to a risd gallery next wednesday

i will not get my hopes up n imagine wonderful scenarios with him. id only be robbing myself of an open mind. 

h: "so basically you two are meant to be. go for it n do work."
k: "but if we really were, i wouldnt have to be doing all the work alone."

i will not text him. i will give no warnings, make no plans. whatevers meant to be, will be.

it makes me so fucking loopy n fuzzy on the inside when a   references him at randomass times! some days, i dont want to remember him, but i cant ever control the smiles i get when my mind drifts to memories n details of him, of us. 

lunch n the pm were too fuckin funny!! happiest parts of my day. i laughed a whole fucking lot, more than i have at noballs in a minuteeee. thanking all things good for kind peoples who can get my lungs failing n my ribs splintering. mad diversity too hahahahah goooddddd shittttt!

bummed tha e   's birthday night hadda be tomorrow, cos i already have undecided plans n y    's staying over. really wanna be there for her, n sad tha ill be missing out, but i stay committed! ill make it up to her when i can

ive been refusing meals some days these past few weeks. i swear im not anorexic. just feelin dumb about why i did/do it when i know i need to take better care of myself. ill be so hungry it fucking kills, but still i wont eat just cos i know the physical pain is completely separate from my emotional state. ill be too unhappy. ill lack motivation to eat. n sometimes i feel like the stabbing hunger is what i deserve, n then i even feel a lil happier. above all else, its cleansing. mentally, emotionally, n spiritually. ive made friends with the unabashed growls n body-wracking motions of my demanding stomach. but i forreal needa cut this pain junkie shit outtt. 

been feeling so guilty n dark lately, but i was so very fucking happy yesterday. it was only yesterday. how quickly things can turn to shit

realized i understand mas emotions with so much more clarity now after much firsthand experience. tha calls for its own post tho

i cant afford all the books n art supplies i want...#starvingartiststatus hahahahah im whackk!

its so very difficult to care about shit again. yesterday was good, yesterday i was startin to crack the habit, but im back where i started now. i feel some shitty grades coming my way real soon

most days, all i want when i come home is silence filled only with music or street noise. i dont desire to hear your bitching or your wisecracking. n this is fucked up, but i also dont desire your questions at times. if were having dinner n watching tv, i dont desire your many inquiries about vocabulary n grammar tha lead to drawn out tangents in the middle of a good office episode or news broadcast. ask your husband, even if he does make fun of you. just please leave me the hell alone. its fucked up, its self-centered, i know n im sorry, but all the undesirable sounds n conversations when im already so mentally n emotionally exhausted really fucking test my limits. i dont have the same patience tha comes with being happy. im sorry tha i need so much fucking space n time everyday. just let me be. thas all i ask for.

i just wanna hit the weekend right fucking now, n be with loved ones, n see fresh faces, n experience new things, n confidently meet new people, n go out on my own, n strut like a fucking queen, n read the poetry i want, n radiate with the truth of how gratefully happy i am at the end of the day, n walk into an almost empty afh n stare at the artwork for as long as i feel, n shop for the comforting things i need, n pick apples with the kiddies, n make their faces light up, n hold their small hands, n hug them n kiss them n ask about their days, n see them be happily loved by their mommy.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday PM Pt. 2

So here i am, dorky gushing n no censors. Reading my journals makes me feel so raw n exposed sometimes... n i swear hes not the only thing i ever write about ;)

(Only edits i made were to names.)

Before 9/9

"The best moment of my day was during ap art, when ms. v      was talking bout field trips. She mentioned risd, n immediately I gasped n broke out into smiles, n started covering up my laugh cos o    was enjoying watta fool I was! I couldn’t rly believe my own reaction either! Kinda embarrassing cos no one else understood y I was so happy bout her jus mentioning risd. I kept tryna control my face, but for a while I kept smiling while still biting my lip. She kept talking, saying tha if we wanted to, we could all go down on a Sunday by commuter rail n check out their galleries, specifically one with students’ application drawings. Their galleries. Risd’s galleries. Where d     works. Imagine if we went n d     happened to be on his shift. What the fuck would I do?! Would I text him first to let him know id b there wit my class? Probably not, cos id make up a reason in my head not to, like not wanting to be the first one to text since we last saw each other. Oh my god, I wouldn’t know wat to do if I saw him down there. What would I say? How would he react? What if he forgot my name…? Shit, would I even be happy to see him if it would only sustain n even renew my feelings for him? See, shit like this, little daily shit like this, get me wondering if these are signs. N if they are, what the fuck are they spose to mean? What am I spose to think or do when this type of ish happens? Stop thinking bout him all together? Get the fuck over everything? I jus wish I had some insight sometimes, or better signs! Or even better, communication. I jus want the words n catalysts thall give me closure, or the best reasons there are to stay hoping for what seems so unreal at this point..."

After 9/9

"I saw d    .

I was goin down a street to afh, late for the commish meeting, n he was heading towards me, fr afh. Rollin his bike. Its impossible for me to mistake his frame n his black bike wit the light handle bars.

I was alone on tha sidewalk, so I cussed. Said, “oh my fucking god…”

So much was goin thru my head, tha nothing made sense. I was crazy happy n stunned n unprepared n scared n upset n worried n shocked n panicky n relieved n happy n happy n happy. I was senseless with everything tha I felt. So senseless. Every thought tha I had of him these past few weeks, like scenarios n memories on replay n rehearsed lines for when id see him next, abandoned me in this moment of dropped guards. I couldn’t think a single thing to say to him, wit all the chaos awake inside me.

Tha was the first time all week I really felt like myself again.

I remembered summer as real again, as having forreal happened, as being the only thing tha makes n keeps me happy, cos I forget sometimes when at my shittiest. I forget tha my emotions can overwhelm me wit their heat, tha memories can save me...

Im avoiding writing bout d    

Im still jus a fucking mess on the inside right now…to the point tha I don’t know how to even journal bout him bout myself. Goddang it.

Im 15 min late for the commish meeting, told s       id b there at 5 but commuting fr Dedham is sucha fucking bitch, esp when teachers b keeping u later than theyre spose to. Like forreal pple? See the time? U don’t have my attention for another minute cos im clocking out now. N den it was a sweaty walk to the bus stop, the one where the bus comes round maybe every half hour. Fuckk. Townies needa get hip to mbta.

So were both walking, n as we get closer, he waves to me. We stop. I say wassup d    ! N he says hey k   in tha way he always does, tha d     way where hes quietly happy n his voice is still flat. Den we jus stood there on the sidewalk, his bike right between us, n we talked, n it was nice. So nice. He was on his way home cos hed jus finished painting all 10 chairs hed been given. He was coming in now n den ever since the summer session ended. Had a class at risd tha he signed up for n went to on Thursday, den took the commuter rail back up jus to finish his last 3 chairs. I couldn’t even hear wat type of classes he said they were, damn. But basically he jus wanted to learn more, n thas y they were scheduled b4 he moved in n officially had his first day. Move in was actually the next day for him, so Saturday. He talked bout how he was barely getting paid, n I laughed cos hes still getting 12 an hr. He told me his bike tire popped, tha he hadda take the train home. He laughed when I made fun of him goin, ohh nooo not the train! He laughed a few times at what I said. He remembered I was on the commish proj, told me everyone was already up in the studio. He told me my bag was open, n I got mad cos I didn’t kno how long itd been like tha. I yelled bout getting there fr Dedham, n how my bag opened b4 too. He told me he was gonna go home, eat, watch tv, sleep. He said bye, then opened his free arm n leaned over his bike between us so we could hug, n I wish id hugged tighter. Tha was when he told me bout my bag, n I was still grumbling bout it even as wed started to walk opposite ways.

I cant even fully remember everything tha was said n happened, but it felt much longer n like there was more content than wat I jus described, i swear.

I did leave feeling regretful.

All the things id been wanting to say to make my last minutes wit him a real goodbye came rushing back, hit me square in the face til I wanted to lose it thinking bout how id missed my chance. I wanted to give opportunities for visits n contact, wanted to put the ball in his court n see how hed respond, then n later. Wanted to tell him id miss him. There was nothing awkward bout us right then, n everything felt right but urgent. I jus couldn’t grasp the words cramped in my head. I wished id kept the conversation going, instead of letting him decide when he was done, when he wanted to walk off wit his bike.

He didn’t mention the next time hed be around, or the next time hed visit afh, or any shit like coming home. I shoulda asked, shoulda asked den told him to let me know n make plans wit me whenever he did.

Shoulda told him I watched before sunrise and before sunset.

Yet another anticlimactic goodbye, when I thought id have to make the memory of the one b4 last.

His nose was runny, n I wondered how long hed been sick. I shoulda asked. Coulda made a joke bout him still havin my disease.

He looked pretty tired.

In my mind, the whole time, I kept remembering tha he was on his way home, so I didn’t wanna keep him too long. But at the same time, I was wondering how long hed want to stand there jus to talk to me.

The vibes were good, but what stuck out was how friendly we were. I didn’t feel wanted being wit him, like I sometimes would if he came over to where I was by the windows in the studio. That kinda thing. I didn’t feel anything hopeful from it, n thas probably a good thing. Yet, from the way I was thinking b4 it happened, I def was planning on havin said certain things tha might’ve given me important responses to remember. Maybe the shock of even seeing him again 10 or x months b4 I thought I would rly overcame me. Maybe I wasn’t fully there, wasn’t present mentally. I was exhausted, nervous bout lookin nasty n sweaty, n jus so overwhelmed by everything tha seeing him brought to me. I think I kept worrying bout the next moment, the next minute, like what he or I might say or when hed decide he needed to keep walking. I was so worried bout tryna plan this “goodbye” down to the seconds tha I wasn’t focused on the herenow (ill-lit reference hahah).

Idk if im still making sense, cos it jus barely does in my head let alone in words.

Im still jus so overwhelmed from what couldntve been much more than 5 min

Again, I left him without closure.

Im still clinging.

Den I forfeited my pride n texted him, when part of me refused to bcos I would be again putting the effort in.

Tryna find it in my phone. I can only find his, not mine. But basically

7:00 me: “forgot to say have a good school yr, n hit me up when youre back! N my school might come visit risds galleries n museum”

7:39 d: “Thanks yo. You too :D and tell me when you do come if you do!”

around 7:50 me: “yee! Thanks n I will! Don’t watch too many movies on the job! Bye daviddd!”

7:53 d: “Lol. Laters”

and there it is. That’s it. Is it overanalyzing to say he jus doesn’t care, judging the way his last texts to me for a while went?

I keep thinking I deserve better than someone who doesn’t make any efforts to keep in touch or even shows tha they give the littlest shit bout me…but im also still wondering, why the hell doesn’t he? I know maybe circumstance might jus not b right, but why cant I be the reason they become so? Im asking stupid shit now

I don’t regret not telling him, cos I feel tha even rejection wouldn’t change my feelings for him much. N to tell him would risk the little potential we do have for the future.

See that? I needa stop thinking bout “our potential” cos thas bullshit n I know better

One day, these feelings wont weigh so heavy on my dreams n my body. They wont translate to the desire to sleep awake forever. They wont translate to laying still in bed with stiffness allover, my mind n memories beyond my control. 

I jus need time.

N its part of why I so badly want to get this tatted, from mayda del valle:

“I feel the truth of this deep in my bones”

I could write pages n pages bout this boy, but I got other shit I needa do..." 

Friday PM Pt. 1 

Her divine words sustained me through this week, n some lines are so deeply ingrained in my mind:

"Love yourself into a better place..."

"What a gift, to know where we went wrong..."

"You are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love..."

Im realizing how draining it is to even think about this shit, esp tonight on this all nighter free of early morning consequences :) Been a minute, 5 days to be exact!

Im too stubborn n too stupid to accept that it isnt me, tha its you. Cos its easier to evaluate where i went wrong, than to judge your actions without any insight into your perspective. I know where i stand. I know why i did this, said that. N even tho i already know that the situations a 2-way street, that its determined by more than either of our feelings n wants, that variables are unaccountable n innumerable, i cant help but attack myself over n over, repeatedly, consecutively, all to defend my perception of you. I get nervous just thinking about my doubts taking full control n letting go of every hope i have for this. Whatever the fuck this is.

Always, id expect so much of you bcos id do so much more for you.

Id thought of you so fucking much since the last day of work, thought of you from every angle. Heard a    's story n still couldnt forget you. Realized that her story didnt matter all that much to me bcos the situations are completely different. The differing circumstances basically rendered her story irrelevant to mine, but they did make me reevaluate what it is that i have with you. Killed me the way a     told me how comfortable you always are around me, how there was something in me that brought out something else in you, something natural. How our friendship looks tight from outside eyes. How we have that before anything else.

But you n i lack communication, the very means of stability n connection in a relationship. N i cant yank the words from your throat, cant force your hands to write me the thoughts i need. 

i been thinking, you could never give me the honesty of how much you truly care (whether that be with all your goodness or none at all). But how can i assume that of you if my dishonesty was always deeper? If my greatest deception was never conveying the breadth of what i feel for you? I invented games, tucked my heart away, taught myself to love with less risk. 

There was nothing romantic about the way we were on the sidewalk. Can't explain the shock n gratitude going thru me as we walked closer n closer down that block. When n   told me later that she wanted him to be a surprise, i went off on her! Playing around wit these kinds of surprises jus doesnt fly with me! I was so mentally n emotionally caught off guard.

Thinking back now, it was so reminiscent of that thursday at the bash, of standing on the street level wit the sunset behind me n his face lit in warmth. His hands on the handlebars. Except this time we were in broad daylight, with hours to go before dusk.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Nonsense #5

And I know I fuck up
N don’t speak up enough
Bout all the times
That your struggle to me means love
Bout the secrets I keep
When I’m being me
Im not the daughter in the womb
U conceived with dreams n imagination
Painted scholarly portraits of
Im the girl you never could’ve seen coming
Im the girl you wish you could tame
You wish was thinner, paler, prettier, whiter, 
Typical American female-er
With a degree in pharmaceutics
And medicine
And legal practices
In that order
All from ivy leagues like hah-vard
Im the girl you wish you couldn’t always see
Every morning
Every night
Fatass eyeliner
Imperfect skin
Big hoops thru my lobes
And too much ass in my jeans
(But the ass you see don’t even exist!)
And im telling you now
I been respecting your expectations
Your final cut for me
Your lingering desires
For privilege like this
In your sunken childhood
Drowned the moment you escaped
Your only home
To find refuge in strife
Im not the daughter
U conceived only to be confined
In others judgments
Coz your blood and your fight
And your immigrant resilience
Pulses under my ribcage
Day after day
One battle to the next
Im not the daughter
Wholl ever fill your wishful reflections
My mirror
Shows me not who you wished
You had been when young
But who I hold potential to be

Monday, September 5, 2011

Right Now #2

i cant believe you waited for me to get off the swan boats jus to approach me n say hi! its been 5 years since i last saw you; thas goin back to middle school days. i was forreal so surprised tha i couldnt even gather my thoughts n say more. was trippin over how freakennn huge you are now! n your voice. deep. hahahah mindfuckkkkk. you said we should hang out sometime, so i told you to hit me up on facebook then, putting the ball in your court. i dont expect you to follow thru, n i wont give a fuck if you dont. if you do, sweet. were jus so far from the kids we used to be, so very involved with lives apart from each others now. honestly, i miss those days of simple friendships n careless decisions, n ill always value those times with you, but im not down for stressing over how to get you back in my life. i just dont give a fuck. 

these months have made me careful. for my own welfare, i need to worry bout myself jus a lil more, accept circumstances as they are sooner than later, n keep fuckin coastin.

i cannot place my personal expectations n standards on others, unless i wanna keep setting myself up for disappointment. jus cos something seems to be common sense in my head, does not mean it is in yours. even though you keep me upset n confused n waiting on answers, from your end, you probably see everything as straightforward n self-explanatory, n i need to finally understand tha. i cannot hold you accountable for the wrongs in my head when your alibi has never left your lips.

i need to stop romanticizing the meaningless.

i like new books. it makes me very happy that borders is closing. bankruptcy is goodddddd.

my sisters are lovely.

thank you for being amazed by my art, even tho its nothing worthy of your reaction. i forreal needed support like yours

fathers short-term memorys been deteriorating for years now, so chi h    said we cant be mad at him for most things, like not filling out urgent, overdue forms.

i dont want to sleep, cos the second i close my eyes, the hours will disappear n ill wake up to my first day back at noballs.

at the same time, my anxietys exhausting. i just want my mind to go blank for a minute n stop feeling the stiffness in my spine.

my emotions still hold the power to my aura, n right now, all is feelin shitty. 

i hope youre sleeping healthily right now.

i hope you kids arent eating junkyass foods.

i hope you stop blaming yourself.

i hope you rerealize your self-worth.

i hope you lose your complacency. 

i hope you heal.

i forgot tha hey arnolds the shitttt. too fucking bomb.

fuck having my mind eaten up by negativity. 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Still In Mind

Now n then, i like to go back n read past journal entries, just to cross examine myself, to pick up on any groundbreaking transitions that i couldnt have noticed from day to day. Never anything too fucking serious though, which isnt good n isnt bad 

" N I realized earlier tha im levelheaded by nature, but I get so insensibly n stubbornly hopeful n wishful wen specific emotions of mine r involved, n become overpowering... how differently I analyze relationships wen im madd emotionally dependent on the person at the other end... "

(Still out of my control.)

" Im a bipolar wreck bcos of his presence, n still I love it. Id crash in these letdowns repeatedly until he finally found feelings for me. Id bear it simply cos to me, hes worth the waiting n the stressing... "

(Still mean it, but less so the second part.)

" It meant so much to me, even if ur intentions were far from wat I wish they were... Ur killin me wit uncertainty n weak communication, n yet ur keeping me clinging with those same moves... "

(Still true.)

" Or am I not enough for u? Or has there always been another girl? Maybe I misinterpreted the signs, misinterpreted wats happened between us. maybe 'we' aren’t in the universe’s intentions after all. N as much as shit blows when feelings arent mutual, id still b happy if u were happy wit the path laid for u. but itd b magic to break fate together n jus be... "

(Still insecure like this, still speculating, still wishing him the best, but wanting him to myself less.)

Friday, September 2, 2011

Right Now #1

Chi t    's pregnant with her n anh v 's first child :) Superstitious to talk about it, cos it's only been weeks. She looked plump n healthy n so happy, n im just so excited for them. Telepathically sending them my positivity

Gotta draw d    her portrait

Gotta make k     her earrings

Gotta check my balance online

Gotta write chi t     a bday card

Didnt go to the first commishhh meeting today, cos the first email said sept 3rd, but worse, im just not ready. My sketches are shiiiiet.

Im fucking terrified of disappointing, n of making a shittyass painting thas commissioned. Most people on the project are toooo dope, theyre so technically skilled, honed conceptualizers, efficient as why the fuck was i chosen?!?! I know im more experienced than some of the new kids involved, but honest to goddd i dont see what s       n j      see in me n my work from this summer...theyre the artists i fear most about disappointing. I keep comparing my pieces to other kids', n i keep gettin intimidated by not only them but the mentors' talents too, n i shouldnt be making these comparisons in the first place. I am my own worst critique. I am growing. I need to stop hindering my learning process

Focus on you right now, focus on your creative process

Maddd art related work i needa be breaking my back over, but im nottttt. Slacking like a mofo. I know my deadlines, i know my responsibilities, i know how much time i have available to get the shit done, i know how much is riding on it all, but im not focusing enough. Im not pouring myself into the work. Im legit screwing myself over, as if i dont want the chances ive been given n thas fuckin stupid!! Fuck myself for not committing to something i supposedly love.

Fuck letting my emotions get to my mind n consequently fuckin with my productivity

At the end of the day, you dont give a damn bout how im doing, or at least not enough to ever hit me up. So to lay around fucking moping over you, over meaningless shit... the fuck am i doing? Overanalyzing unnecessarily as if my understanding of events is gonna change what has already happened. The past is untouchable, what dont i get about that? I needa be making something of myself...n as much as i hate admitting this, in the back of my mind, i want to be better in the hopes that youll fall infatuated with me, for all that i am, for all that i have n will become. Thas fucking pathetic.

I shouldnt let you control me like this

I shouldnt think like this

I dont needa fucking please anyone...right?!

So funny how chi t     was trippinnnn over the photos of you n i, she couldnt get over how different you look. Kept saying you finally look like youve "entered your manhood" hahahahh

Chi t     accidentally switched your name wit nico's in a conversation bout you, cos my situations so reminiscent to her of her own. Its like everyones personal shit is so very relevant to everyone elses.

Im so fucking blessed to have people in my life who i can sit in the park with n just talk to about everything n anything n not feel the need to ever be more than what i am right then n there. Individuals whose fascination with geese makes me smh n roarrrr. May only the most fulfilling of experiences come to them

Whenever im just in my bra n undies n i look in the mirror, my body looks sooo fuckin plain with jus my navel piercing. I desireeeeeee that rib tat. I jus need to find the right words, the ones ill never tire of seeing, the ones that sum me up right now, in this present phase of my 16 years

Thinking about piercings n tats makes me so jolly hahahahah! Cos in my head, its my only way of affirming that this body is mine, that i do own something substantial, something that only death can truly take from me. Fuck yeahhhh. Cant wait to donate my hair again too

Gotta look out for the mail n snatch tha debit card quickkkk. They cant see it

I feel like a fucking shadow next to chi t     most days, n those moments make me forget if im even worth shit. Its a yucky feeling, but shes just doing her n its self-inflicted, i already know that. I just get so fucking insecure, n i get to feeling ugly from my personality to my posture!

Its weird that i sit in the shower some days n just think about life n shit as the water pounds my back. Thas when im at my lowest n feelin my emo-est hahahah

I keep thinking about transforming my mentality, so that ill see noballs as a more positive part of my life, n not the shittiest.

When am i gonna see you next? 

How am i gonna lock down my position?

What hue are my vertebrae?

Why do you call me "love"?