So here i am, dorky gushing n no censors. Reading my journals makes me feel so raw n exposed sometimes... n i swear hes not the only thing i ever write about ;)
(Only edits i made were to names.)
Before 9/9
"The best moment of my day was during ap art, when ms. v was talking bout field trips. She mentioned risd, n immediately I gasped n broke out into smiles, n started covering up my laugh cos o was enjoying watta fool I was! I couldn’t rly believe my own reaction either! Kinda embarrassing cos no one else understood y I was so happy bout her jus mentioning risd. I kept tryna control my face, but for a while I kept smiling while still biting my lip. She kept talking, saying tha if we wanted to, we could all go down on a Sunday by commuter rail n check out their galleries, specifically one with students’ application drawings. Their galleries. Risd’s galleries. Where d works. Imagine if we went n d happened to be on his shift. What the fuck would I do?! Would I text him first to let him know id b there wit my class? Probably not, cos id make up a reason in my head not to, like not wanting to be the first one to text since we last saw each other. Oh my god, I wouldn’t know wat to do if I saw him down there. What would I say? How would he react? What if he forgot my name…? Shit, would I even be happy to see him if it would only sustain n even renew my feelings for him? See, shit like this, little daily shit like this, get me wondering if these are signs. N if they are, what the fuck are they spose to mean? What am I spose to think or do when this type of ish happens? Stop thinking bout him all together? Get the fuck over everything? I jus wish I had some insight sometimes, or better signs! Or even better, communication. I jus want the words n catalysts thall give me closure, or the best reasons there are to stay hoping for what seems so unreal at this point..."
After 9/9
"I saw d .
I was goin down a street to afh, late for the commish meeting, n he was heading towards me, fr afh. Rollin his bike. Its impossible for me to mistake his frame n his black bike wit the light handle bars.
I was alone on tha sidewalk, so I cussed. Said, “oh my fucking god…”
So much was goin thru my head, tha nothing made sense. I was crazy happy n stunned n unprepared n scared n upset n worried n shocked n panicky n relieved n happy n happy n happy. I was senseless with everything tha I felt. So senseless. Every thought tha I had of him these past few weeks, like scenarios n memories on replay n rehearsed lines for when id see him next, abandoned me in this moment of dropped guards. I couldn’t think a single thing to say to him, wit all the chaos awake inside me.
Tha was the first time all week I really felt like myself again.
I remembered summer as real again, as having forreal happened, as being the only thing tha makes n keeps me happy, cos I forget sometimes when at my shittiest. I forget tha my emotions can overwhelm me wit their heat, tha memories can save me...
Im avoiding writing bout d …
Im still jus a fucking mess on the inside right now…to the point tha I don’t know how to even journal bout him bout myself. Goddang it.
Im 15 min late for the commish meeting, told s id b there at 5 but commuting fr Dedham is sucha fucking bitch, esp when teachers b keeping u later than theyre spose to. Like forreal pple? See the time? U don’t have my attention for another minute cos im clocking out now. N den it was a sweaty walk to the bus stop, the one where the bus comes round maybe every half hour. Fuckk. Townies needa get hip to mbta.
So were both walking, n as we get closer, he waves to me. We stop. I say wassup d ! N he says hey k in tha way he always does, tha d way where hes quietly happy n his voice is still flat. Den we jus stood there on the sidewalk, his bike right between us, n we talked, n it was nice. So nice. He was on his way home cos hed jus finished painting all 10 chairs hed been given. He was coming in now n den ever since the summer session ended. Had a class at risd tha he signed up for n went to on Thursday, den took the commuter rail back up jus to finish his last 3 chairs. I couldn’t even hear wat type of classes he said they were, damn. But basically he jus wanted to learn more, n thas y they were scheduled b4 he moved in n officially had his first day. Move in was actually the next day for him, so Saturday. He talked bout how he was barely getting paid, n I laughed cos hes still getting 12 an hr. He told me his bike tire popped, tha he hadda take the train home. He laughed when I made fun of him goin, ohh nooo not the train! He laughed a few times at what I said. He remembered I was on the commish proj, told me everyone was already up in the studio. He told me my bag was open, n I got mad cos I didn’t kno how long itd been like tha. I yelled bout getting there fr Dedham, n how my bag opened b4 too. He told me he was gonna go home, eat, watch tv, sleep. He said bye, then opened his free arm n leaned over his bike between us so we could hug, n I wish id hugged tighter. Tha was when he told me bout my bag, n I was still grumbling bout it even as wed started to walk opposite ways.
I cant even fully remember everything tha was said n happened, but it felt much longer n like there was more content than wat I jus described, i swear.
I did leave feeling regretful.
All the things id been wanting to say to make my last minutes wit him a real goodbye came rushing back, hit me square in the face til I wanted to lose it thinking bout how id missed my chance. I wanted to give opportunities for visits n contact, wanted to put the ball in his court n see how hed respond, then n later. Wanted to tell him id miss him. There was nothing awkward bout us right then, n everything felt right but urgent. I jus couldn’t grasp the words cramped in my head. I wished id kept the conversation going, instead of letting him decide when he was done, when he wanted to walk off wit his bike.
He didn’t mention the next time hed be around, or the next time hed visit afh, or any shit like coming home. I shoulda asked, shoulda asked den told him to let me know n make plans wit me whenever he did.
Shoulda told him I watched before sunrise and before sunset.
Yet another anticlimactic goodbye, when I thought id have to make the memory of the one b4 last.
His nose was runny, n I wondered how long hed been sick. I shoulda asked. Coulda made a joke bout him still havin my disease.
He looked pretty tired.
In my mind, the whole time, I kept remembering tha he was on his way home, so I didn’t wanna keep him too long. But at the same time, I was wondering how long hed want to stand there jus to talk to me.
The vibes were good, but what stuck out was how friendly we were. I didn’t feel wanted being wit him, like I sometimes would if he came over to where I was by the windows in the studio. That kinda thing. I didn’t feel anything hopeful from it, n thas probably a good thing. Yet, from the way I was thinking b4 it happened, I def was planning on havin said certain things tha might’ve given me important responses to remember. Maybe the shock of even seeing him again 10 or x months b4 I thought I would rly overcame me. Maybe I wasn’t fully there, wasn’t present mentally. I was exhausted, nervous bout lookin nasty n sweaty, n jus so overwhelmed by everything tha seeing him brought to me. I think I kept worrying bout the next moment, the next minute, like what he or I might say or when hed decide he needed to keep walking. I was so worried bout tryna plan this “goodbye” down to the seconds tha I wasn’t focused on the herenow (ill-lit reference hahah).
Idk if im still making sense, cos it jus barely does in my head let alone in words.
Im still jus so overwhelmed from what couldntve been much more than 5 min
Again, I left him without closure.
Im still clinging.
Den I forfeited my pride n texted him, when part of me refused to bcos I would be again putting the effort in.
Tryna find it in my phone. I can only find his, not mine. But basically
7:00 me: “forgot to say have a good school yr, n hit me up when youre back! N my school might come visit risds galleries n museum”
7:39 d: “Thanks yo. You too :D and tell me when you do come if you do!”
around 7:50 me: “yee! Thanks n I will! Don’t watch too many movies on the job! Bye daviddd!”
7:53 d: “Lol. Laters”
and there it is. That’s it. Is it overanalyzing to say he jus doesn’t care, judging the way his last texts to me for a while went?
I keep thinking I deserve better than someone who doesn’t make any efforts to keep in touch or even shows tha they give the littlest shit bout me…but im also still wondering, why the hell doesn’t he? I know maybe circumstance might jus not b right, but why cant I be the reason they become so? Im asking stupid shit now
I don’t regret not telling him, cos I feel tha even rejection wouldn’t change my feelings for him much. N to tell him would risk the little potential we do have for the future.
See that? I needa stop thinking bout “our potential” cos thas bullshit n I know better
One day, these feelings wont weigh so heavy on my dreams n my body. They wont translate to the desire to sleep awake forever. They wont translate to laying still in bed with stiffness allover, my mind n memories beyond my control.
I jus need time.
N its part of why I so badly want to get this tatted, from mayda del valle:
“I feel the truth of this deep in my bones”
I could write pages n pages bout this boy, but I got other shit I needa do..."
