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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Restlessness

My thoughts keep racing, as they have been for a while now. They keep me up at night, keep me aching.

I have shit to be doing, but I'm not doing a good job of doing it...

I just wanna read poetry and Elie Weisel for dayssss...

I wish we'd had that flan party. I don't know why I wasn't more into him coming over at the time.

I have this weird potential plan to familiarize my parents with any of the guys I hang out with. That way, if they grow to trust them, having them over, going over to their places, and going out together wouldn't be such issues. It shocked me how chill they were when DeReK and Moh just chilled at home for hours. I'm hoping I can get that same response going, like with Sebas and his Rozzie neighbors.

We talked about how dope lust is, and then mermaids, and then animals, and then poop. He told me I have zero humor but that I'm ten unspecified units deep. He told me that he'd been feeling especially lustful the other day, and that if he had invited me over, he might've ended up doing something he'd regret...that came out of the blue and both surprised and confused me. What exactly would he have done??? It was an unexpected thing to hear, but it didn't matter much at the time. Now that I'm thinking back to it and our conversation, it's kind of weird/creepy as fuck, right?

I really don't mean to be a stalker, I swearrrrr, but...a photo he was tagged in came up on my newsfeed because some of our mutuals liked it, and I got kind of jealous at the fact that some Viet girl was all over him. She even profile pictured it, and it's no shot in the dark to say she's mad into him. But whatever, I'm being really dumb. Hahah, I don't even know the dude.

Friday night = nighttime holiday pics and dinner. I have mixed feelings about the plans. On the one hand, I miss them like cray and wanna spend time together, but on the other hand, I'm not looking forward to his presence. It already bothers me enough that he answers my texts for her without clarifying that it's him. She told him that if I don't like him, there is no she and him. It's endearing, but I know it can't be true at this point...and truth be told, my opinion of him is less than positive...

Actually, it's bordering on straight up shit.

Ugh, thinking about him forreal makes me consider coming up with other plans for my night...

It's strange to me how I can feel both unrelentingly hateful and unsuspectingly tender. In either case, I don't think I come across as extreme as I do in voiceless words.

Now, I'm gonna look at some more colleges to apply to because I'm silly as fuck and find some enjoyment in that.

Family

She cried and left the camera window. It was the first time she'd heard any of our voices since June.

"Mommy, why are you crying? Because the make-up hurts? Beauty is pain!" (She's a smart girl.)

They'll be visiting in the summer. Two more reasons why I cannot fucking wait for time to pass and bring me to them.

Poor babies. She can't stop wearing the shirts we gave her.

Babies on the brain. My God.

Damn

Is it wrong that I think she's being incredibly stupid? Is it judgmental of me to think the way she's handling herself is pathetic?

Maybe. And yes. But fuck...

I can't imagine how much emotional turmoil and vulnerability she must be going through, but I'm even farther from understanding how she can deliberately make the decisions that set her so fucking far back.

Finally saying enough was enough, having the courage to leave security for uncertainty, and reconnecting with her family were fucking huge steps--I was seriously so proud and happy for her. But now I just feel sick with pity. Somebody just please justify to me how fucking around and getting pregnant at this time can be a good thing.

I have nothing against her going after what or who makes her happy, but being worried as fuck, scared, unprepared, and refusing to take a morning after pill is just fucking dumb to me. And I'm disgusted that he's happy about all this. Just fucking sick to my stomach thinking about all these layers. It's not even my body, but I'm panicking for her.

Everything she's telling me is just so irrational. How she's scared of the test coming out positive, that abortion's not an option, and that she's not ready but will be if she has to be. The fact that he's happy makes her worry less about the future. Like, what the fuck, woman? She openly acknowledged that she'll only ever truly love him, but here she is fucking with another dude and potentially carrying his child. Five years with one did not result in a potential pregnancy, but a few weeks with another did. I'm just fucking pissed at the way this shit is going down. 

She already refers to it as "the baby."

It's dizzying.

I'm seriously losing all empathy. I'm not even trying to understand what she's going through anymore. I feel like she's not thinking clearly, but I'm also not in the position to make her decisions for her body or her life. Her blood family is, not that they're against a child coming.

She's scared of me hating her, and making this more difficult for her is the last thing I want. But I've spoken my mind, so there's not much left for me to say to her on the subject. I'm being judgmental and projecting her situation upon myself, then reacting to her how I would if it were me. But I'm still just so sick from this.

My mind's just been fucking blown too many times lately.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012 Pt. 2

I am so fucking blessed.

These have been some of the best days I've had in a long while, and not the kind of best where there's one or two moments that make the day stick out in my mind, but the kind that are memorable because of how much consistent positive energy and good vibes there are. They've been a stark contrast to the gloom I've grown comfortable with.

Thanksgiving One + Thanksgiving Two/Jenga Night + Movie Slumber Party = Nirvana

Thanksgiving for Breakfast + ICA/Os Gemeos + The Creperie + A Stroll on Newbury + Home-cooked Dinner + Sistah = Nguyening*

(*This whole week's been the definition of "nguyening," regardless of yo last name, nawmean?)

Jenga night was intensely epic. I've never felt so much raw emotion come out during a family game night, and I feel lucky to have been there. Shit, everyone was on the verge of tears the whole night. Just full of sweet potatoes and the even sweeter answers to life and love. Nancy needs to either write a philosophical book or get herself a talk show and be the asian Oprah fused with the asian Dr. Phil.

"I want to be someone I'm proud of, without compromising who my family would be proud of."

"This sounds so cheesy, but I literally wake up every morning and remember that my parents came from nothing."

"I never told anyone this, but I was really depressed with where I was professionally. I'm finally happy now that I'm serving the under-served."

"One of my biggest regrets is not committing to a relationship."

"Even though she's the one you love, the family will be torn apart if not everyone accepts her. Family is love, too."

"I can just see how much you love and appreciate being here with all of us, in our family...I could just cry talking about how much you love this, love us."

"I'm thankful for the power to shape my destiny." (I don't know if I agree.)

"Love is unexplainable, it's feeling comfortable, and it's complicated...I suck at explaining things."

"Are you attracted to Kimmie? I know you have a girlfriend and that you two grew up together, but Kimmie's such a strong woman. I just feel so much sexual tension..." (LOL DAFUQ...Nancy was damn drizzy off of wine. We cringed before setting her straight.)

"What wakes me up in the morning? Bacon--and Jenn making that bacon."

"This makes me want to be a better person!!!! Oh merr gawd, I think I've reached nirvana!!!"

"Don't hold the beer bottle, it's incriminating! Here, take this red cup instead."

"Woah woah woah...he said what? Beer pong? Aren't you 14?"

"Yes, dude, she's a MILF!"

"Ok, we'll keep the questions PG...so, are you a pisces???? OMG, no waaaay, what a shocker!"

"I would be a bear with claws, eagle wings, and kangaroo legs, with the pouch too. That way, I can steal honey from tall trees." (Drunken logic)

The whole night, we were either doubled over laughing or listening and empowering. It was wonderful--the feel-good stomach cramps, the goosebumps, and the way my heart trembled affirmed that it was.

Largo's a bamf, and it felt nice to just kick back to a movie with Drew while all the beauties slumbered. It's been a few years now, but we're not as close as I know we can be.

Dana I'm a terrible auntie but so thankful that she still loves me. Facetiming soon

I fucking love the ICA, not only for the love of art but specifically for its waterfront views from both inside and out. While the sisters and Drew explored the rest of the level, I slipped away and sat alone amidst strangers, staring out at the harbor and taking the time to journal on my itouch. My romanticized memories of the past always rush to me the hardest when I'm there...The longing isn't bitter; for me, it's part of what makes the museum's atmosphere all the more lovely.

Today, I thought about what I want to mean to my loved ones:

Home.

To everyone who loves me enough to welcome me into their world, I want to feel like home away from home, where my arms are shelter and my compassion is sustenance. I want to be a reason for them to feel safe. And, when it comes to significant other type ish, it would definitely be one of the most romantic, affirming things to hear.

While we took levitation photos of us hand in hand, it hit me that I couldn't remember the last time we'd done this, held hands.

Ain't nobody fresher than my motherfucking clique! We rolled up to Itadaki to get my last check, but I ended up not even needing yakuza-style reinforcement. It was just Hieng out front, and he was super nice and ran in for my check for me. I almost wish I had gone in to be openly smug towards the owners, but spite is pointless and regressive. I do wish I'd been in less of a hurry and talked to Hieng more--I miss him! He told me work's been shitty, lol. He's been cutting shifts shorter and shorter, more and more. I'm happy for him, happy that he's moving on to something actually worth his worth.

I got nervous at dinner, scared that momma was upset. We cleared the table lightening quick.


Anh Tri is a piece of shit. Every new thing I hear about him makes me absolutely sick and beside myself with hate. Cleaver said, "The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less," and he spoke the truth. I hate that he is blood, my family's blood; it's just sickening that we share lineage. In a way, what I feel towards him is, to a degree, self-hate. But I'm more ready to be this bitter than to ever allow myself to forgive his fuckery as a father, son, cousin. Fuck him. Sad to admit, but I honestly do wish him hell.

For the first time since summer, I saw Nhi, and we bawled for a minute. It was like hugging a woman who'd been to hell and back. I realized how stupidly I had let work get in the way of life. Love is everything, and I'd forgotten that.

Meeting Luciano was...I don't know. Nice? Weird? Unnerving?

And shit, the sketchyass man who came up to us asking for weed...why I don't go for walks after the sun goes down...God help him.

Sleep. I need sleep for tomorrow's continuation of nguyening.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012

Bestie asked me about my tumblr name. She told me my explanation made her heart hurt. 

I feel for her and all the turmoil she's experiencing because of him, the dynamic, the questions. 

I told them about my early early acceptance, unsure of what I was feeling. Momma was silent, and all father said was, "Nice, con." It was good enough to apply to early, but not good enough to be more than a safety school.

Momma laughed at me because I weigh one pound more than her.

As we had our coffees, strolling through JP, she congratulated me, told me how affirming it should be and how proud I should feel. But I told her the affirmation was only relative, that there was no pride in me, and that other than some temporary shock, I felt nothing but empty ambiguity. Then, I called her out on sharing my personal news on Facebook, replicating the moment between myself and her in an impersonal forum where my news wasn't mine to share anymore. I told her how I was overwhelmed--one friend called me at 4 a.m. to confirm her status, and people approached me in the hall to ask about it. We talked tensely about it and then fell quiet.

I wish I was more than just useless when it comes to the shit she's been navigating. How heavy is the heartbreak of losing what you saw as your future? And yet, she's onto a new guy now, which in my mind is much too fast and much too soon. But who am I to form opinions of someone else's life when I'm not the one living it? I just worry that she's falling into the same traps and burying herself--I've told her so, and she didn't deny it. Of course, I won't stop her if she feels it's right.

She didn't want me to think of her as a whore, but the ideas of "whore" and "slut," within the context of a girl who has many relationships, don't exist in my head. I see nothing wrong in someone chasing after what they want, so long as they do so without shit like homewrecking and other messed up interferences with others.

She's in love. I'm so happy for her and can't help hoping I find someone who loves me as much as he loves her. Sometimes, I wonder if I had but lost them.

Photo shoot failed brutally. We legitimately looked like demon children.

Why did he message me? It was a weird conversation, and I liked him less and less the longer it went on. All he did was victimize himself in every situation and whine like the world was ending. He went into how T ended their friendship "out of nowhere" and asked him to move out of his house, saying he didn't know what he'd done wrong. You fucking kidding me? Even I knew. Ha, it was legit funny at that point. You can't honestly have them clean up yo drunk as fuck, puking all over shit, belligerent, nasty ass; make J bawl out of fear; repeat that on a family vacation you were their guest to; complain nonstop about how everybody isn't good enough for you; and expect them to keep you around. I pity his small mind...

She told me something in the way I talked about T made her think he was some hoodass gangster. I diedddddd. I guess in some ways he was. He drove a pretty gangster whip, and every time I got in the car, he changed his music to a playlist he'd made for me...it was all hardcore rap and really shitty club-esque hip hop!

The award they gave us for seven years of service was engraved with "Greenough Noble School."

So hungry right now.

Procrastinating sooooo much. Fucking articles.

Haven't been writing enough to feel balalalalalanced.

Everyone around me is experiencing game-changers and making grand decisions to shape their future. And then there's me, waiting and working and waiting and working for this year to just end already.

He hit me up about hanging out this break since he's home, but I don't think either of us will have time to. Sad face.

He asked me when I was visiting Tufts. Daw.

I want a banh mi. And lots of desserts. Holy fuck...crave so hard, muthafuckas wanna fine me...

She told me of all her big sis' friends, I and one other girl were her favorites!

While we were eating pie, he told me out of nowhere that C had really wanted me to come with them to see 007, that C really likes me because I'm silly. A few seconds after, he added "But likes you as a person." Hahahah goddamn, what a bummer!

Later, while we were chilling, he suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and led me to the window. I had no idea what I was looking at or for, but lo and behold, there was C. Fuck, I went out and said hi while I looked like shit, and I barely got much of a convo in before S came and booted me out the car! But damn, why is he so fine? I'd quite appreciate if we could just be in love already. I'm not down to be that active about boys and shiet right now, but it's cool because S is always making chill seshes happen. Like in a few weeks, we're all going to some deserted paranormal site. Hopefully I don't die in the process of macking on him (HAHA).

I love America's Food Basket and the looks I get for not being Latina. 

A really nice man on the train helped me get all my bags together. Later, I overheard him saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" left and right!

It's going to be such a cozy Thanksgiving this year! There will be mad family, mad food, and mad love to remember this holiday by. I'm damn thankful for my circumstances, even if my mood tends to fall on the blue side. 

"The truth will set you free."

I've been thinking about OTL a lot, remembering all my clients' stories. A memory that really struck me was asking Susie about her dreams, about what she wanted most, and so she told me about how much she wanted to be married and raising a family. That cigarette break, when her ashes flew down wind into my eyes, when I silently blinked away tears, the cause of which I honestly wasn't sure, I felt my heart struggle to accommodate her sadness and reality. She had an idea of the unlikelihood to her dreams, and that pained me.
 

I thought about her the night I talked to some friends about desirability, how grateful we should be to have the loves we have and have had the ones we lost. Heartbreaks caused by vulnerability, expectations, or a lover, are an education not everyone gets the privilege to.

I hope that everyone one day has as much to be thankful for as I have been lucky to have.