Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Oh my fucking goodness...she's been in this house for 60 minutes, and sadly, all I want right now is that she get the fuck out. How the hell am I supposed to get my shit done with her fucking lecturing me on how to feel about and act in my relationship with my mother?

My plans would not have become so fucking complicated and risky if she hadn't come home on a fucking Wednesday.

This house is volatile tonight. This stress is getting close to unbearable. 


I'm gonna take a step back from my work and just vent like a little brat because I'm entitled to that much right now.

But I guess my personal disclaimer would be that I'm not unhappy...I'm actually pretty content. I'm just mad overwhelmed and running on toasted nerves.

Spent three days almost-comatose. Could barely sleep with all the pain. I don't like drugs because drugs failed me this weekend.

Dana texted me on Valentine's Day that she would call me over the weekend, but her call never came.

Lots of very bad news Tuesday morning which still bums me out, but I'm trying very hard to remember all the positive aspects of this experience, like the fact that I will feel better soon. My mouth doesn't feel like my own. I miss running my tongue over smooth backs of teeth and not feeling my gums rupture every time I smile too hard or speak too fast. I can't even talk quite normally because slurring and mushing my words together just feels softer on my mouth, but not so soft to my ego and my ears. I sound gross and silly.

I don't like taking my antibiotics. I've been to the pharmacy three days in a row, and four times in the past week. The Viet pharmacist is always helping me at pick-up, and I want him to be my friend because when I swiped my card to pay, he said, "Naaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiice," and it was a silly sound and made me happy. I have to go back again on Friday for more my mefloquine. And cancel my cipro. And get more amoxicillin maybs.

The hit and run. The man I watched run. And Co Thuy's father dying of cancer. 

All scholarships with deadlines between March 9 and April 1, I fucking have to bang out before I leave for Kampuchea and Vietnam. Dear Universe, I think I understand the word "shafted" now. Or maybe I don't. But maybe I'm close.

I'm just beginning to email and plan with Trang my Hanoi plans, but I'm already overwhelmed. She wrote back about two screens worth of gmail with suggestions and whatnot, which is fucking awesome and I'm so thankful but this shit craaaay. 17 days until Kampuchea, and 30 until I see Nguyen fam. So much to do in so little time. But thank goodness I have lovely cousins like Trang to help me plan and keep me grounded, reminding me of all the loved ones I have to look forward to seeing.

Khmer gives my ears the strangest sensation. I talked with Ba about this too, and Ba agreed. When I listen to it, I swear I'm listening to Vietnamese but can't understand any of it. It's so frigginnnn disorienting! The sounds are literally the same but in all different places. Vietnamese is probably what Khmer gibberish sounds like, and vice versa. I'm trying to learn as much as I can but it's trickaaaay and there's just so little time.

There are so many books and documentaries I'm tryna read and watch before I go but NO TIME. When I was in bed all weekend waiting out the pains, I watched S21 and grew solemn and heavy. Then I did lots of research. Then I read. Then I craved more. But I got root canal and had homework and shit to do :(

My birthday weekend feels mildly ruined before it's even begun...
- Chi Trang's coming home tonight, which I didn't expect. I worry that she'll want to take her car back and leave me unable to get my visa in Dorchie on Friday. I don't want Ba, Ma knowing that I'm going, so if she tries to drop me off at school and take the car that day, I am fuckeddd.
- Friday, Shanti's taking me out for a bit to start my 18th year on a chill note :)
- Friday night, I'ma force the family to look good for me and go out on the town.
- ^I need to plan aforementioned forced dinner party.
- Saturday at 8am I have The Root Canal Pt. 2
- Saturday morning, Jonathan's trying to have me still come in for layout when and just leave whenever I finish my pages. Sorry but fuck that, I already have enough articles and graphix to make and I don't think I'm gonna be in the best of shape after my appointment to sit around and layout pages.
- Saturday, both sisters plus possibly Drew and Truc will be home, so we'll most definitely try to spend the day going out, but layout will fuck with those plans which is why I cannot go to layout. They're coming home for me, so I'm not gonna waste their time.
- Saturday, we'll be out, and I'll still have mad errands to run to prep for my trip. I've barely gotten any necessary shopping done ggaaahhh fack fack fack
- Saturday, I wanna go to chua as a whole family and talk to an ong tai, cuong, and possibly ask for a blessing. This year is not supposed to be too lucky for me, given that snakes bite pigs.
- Sunday morning, I wanna make brunch for the fam.
- Sunday, I have at least 5 hours worth of Cambodia time that includes spinning, speaking with a genocide survivor, and going over extremely important trip details at the Snyders' house. The end of those plans also happens to overlap with the St. Mark's "mandatory" concert....fackfackfack Kate gon' keel me but I really don't want to be in, nor do I feel like I'll have the time to be if I prioritize Cambo and show up late to the rehearsal. SHIET.
- Sunday, I'll have lost time with family to all these mandatory things, unless I skip spinning and just meet up later at the Snyder's.
- I wanted to do something cute with my homies but there's just no time to plan or do anything. I think I'll just postpone it for after I get back right before April.
- Chi Hien emailed me today asking if I had any plans for the weekend, and then I imploded onto this blog.

I'm panicking a hell lot right now while I still have an art history paper and homework to finish goddamnnnn.

I just feel mad smothered.

I'm a frail twig with the nickname "rooty" (self-proclaimed), and I feel like I'm falling apart these days--physically and mentally a bit. I just have a hell lot to do, and no room to fuck up. With the rewards I have coming my way, I need to fucking fight for them and prove that I rightfully earned them.

I had a lot of really nice conversations with Ba, Ma this weekend. We talked about ong noi, ba noi, which always makes me happy because they were the parts of me that I never knew the way I wish I could've. I never had the chance to.

The sweetest conversation with him last night until 1:30ish am. It made me happy. Poor kid won't just embrace how soft he is.

These days have been very, very strange, very unexpected, and very cray. More are coming soon. But I'm loving everything that comes my way, loving everything as best as I can.