Sunday, August 28, 2011

Nonsense #3

could tear my confidence apart,
my boldness,
coldness, apart,
and find that my insecurities
are here,
for you,
to love me.

it's you
who i wake up daydreaming about,
never wholly in my dreams,
just lingering figments of presence,
but always heavy in 
my waking mind.

may not ever fully fall for me,
but will always fully have me.

will always 
have me.


...could he leave them?" was what my cousin asked. 

Dinner at my aunt's, c        n i sitting next to her grand-kids, our lil cousins. D  is 9, older than her lil brother by 2 years, so she understands the situation completely differently n has been more emotionally influenced of the two. 

She wouldn't eat cos her mommy was late by 20 minutes, she didn't wanna start dinner before she came home. This has been the routine for 3 weeks, n there's still one more left. K    's been driving 2 hrs to new hampshire every week because the nail salons up there have greater clienteles n therefore pay muchhh better, n she needs all the money to rebuild with, to save up in case some more shit happens. But she comes home saturday nights, n goes to work monday mornings, leaving her kids with babysitters during the days n home with their grandparents at night. The mother says he comes around when she's gone, spends the night with his kids, but only sometimes. 

It forreal hurt to see the way D  jumped up from the table n ran to the door as soon as she heard the car pull in; she misses her mom that fucking much, n in the minutes she's not there she's worrying that her mom left her. K    , hell yeah she loves her kids, but she's never been the affection type, n shes exhausted every time i come by. She never shows as much as D 

They're so fucking cute the way they're babies again when she comes home, the way they mess around with her, cling to her, touch her, jump on her, ask her endless, senseless questions, n argue with each other over her attention n time. While they're dealing with their own issues as young kids with a mom that's always away, she's struggling as a single mother of two still heavy with heartbreak. It's written in her expressions n her energy. 

How could he gamble away all of their money, including his own kids' private school tuition, leave her, fuck some hookers in vietnam, "fall in love" with one, n still have the fucking balls to come around n torment her with the details of his affair? 

She's the mother of your children. 

How can you do that to her, n then put your kids through all that you have? As 1st n 3rd graders, they dropped out of school for two months. What father refuses school payments n chooses a foreign prostitute?

Those kids fucking radiate love as if they don't see what you've done to their mom. 

You're the biggest disappointment in this family, n nothing could ever justify your shit. Not your insecurities as a man. Not your father being absent for 10 years of your childhood.

So when we're having dinners without you, scooping veggies onto your kids' plates, we wonder...

"...How could he leave them?"

Thursday Night

Dear Father,

Shit hasn't been the same since thursday night. 

On the phone at 8, i know i said, "just please pick me up from a  's at 9." She n her fam had offered me a ride since you weren't getting back to me before i tried calling. On the phone, you had said you were just leaving the house, aka not in your car yet, n since her house is 15 min away from home versus the school being 30 min away, i thought it was more considerate of your time, energy, n commute to go with a   and just get home an hour later. On the phone, you agreed to all that was said, confirmed that you would pick me up from a  's at 9.

My phone died a little after the call, but i didn't worry because, from my end, everything was clear, planned out.

A  's ride came at 8:30, we were back at 8:40. As we're pulling into their driveway, i spot your car, your license plate, n started wondering why you were so early. N at the same moment, i knew something was wrong, i could feel that much. 

I thanked a   n her fam real quick, constantly glancing over n seeing you get out to pace around the car... what the fuck? So i rush out their driveway n jump into shotgun, n you fucking went off on me. Before i'd even shut my door.

It's been years since you've (soberly) shouted at me, for 10 minutes straight. There was nothing i could say to defend myself or sort out the miscommunication, you just weren't havin it. N over the years, i've given up ever speaking out, making my perspective known, calling you out on your flaws, because i respect you n the mother enough to take all of both of your blunts even when i'm not the cause. I listen even when you won't do the same for me. I stay submissive n lay down my pride before you. 

You'd been waiting outside a  's house since around 8:10, n you were pissed at me for not making plans clear, for not calling you again. You watched a  's mom drive out, but stayed there and waited because you suddenly had no idea what the plans were. Told me i didn't understand how uncomfortable it is to wait outside people's homes at night. Told me that if i wanted to ask other people for favors, i better make sure everything's clear. Told me i wasted your time because i never consider anyone but myself. Asked me (without hearing out my answer) why i didn't go out and look for a phone to contact you. Told me that if i cared about people other than myself, i would've found a way to call you. Told me i wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. Told me this happened because i was stupid. 

More shouting about how inconsiderate n selfish i am. N even more about how pissed off you were. Madd repetition.

How was i supposed to know that there was some miscommunication? Or that my intentions backfired n came back biting me in the ass? I was apologizing, n even then you'd cut me off.

The way you were shouting at me from behind the wheel, had me on the edge of my seat, holding my arms, n tryna collapse into myself n just disappear or some shit. It would've been appropriate if you slapped me. Or even more if we had crashed considering how recklessly you were driving on the dark roads. Your swerves and your rage were fucking terrifying, n honestly made me nauseous. I don't think i've ever seen your eyes so clearly in such low lighting.

Last 5 minutes of the ride were fuming silence. I had my hand inside my bag clutching my spare key, n i got out the car n let myself in soon as you'd changed gears to park. Before getting out, i said, "thank you."

Stayed in my room til you were asleep, as badly as i needed food n to pee. But hearing you yell even more about me to the mother was all i needed to lose my hunger.

The morning after, you called me while i was home and told me to turn on your computer for you so it'd be ready when you got home. I knew you wouldn't mention the night before.

On saturday, my cousin was home n she wanted to go out, so you handed me 2 fifties n told me take it n go shopping n pay for everything she wanted. I didn't want it but you insisted i take it n just give you the change later.

You've never handed me $100 before. 

I know this is your apology. 

She's 25 with a stable income, so she had plenty of her own money, n of course i had my stash of lunar new year envelopes. I used that to buy her some gifts n snacks since she covered lunch.

You're speaking normally to me again, n i'm trying to, too. But i shudder slightly every time i hear you address me, n i don't have the right words to say to you right now, not even light conversational things. My guard's up whenever you're home. I'm uncomfortable being in a room alone with you. I think everything about me is a burden to you now, especially since the mother unloaded some more shit on me, too, backing up everything you said thursday night. 

You took grands from me to play with your stocks. The mother took hundreds from me to buy pearls. Most of my money from this summer and half of it from last, tucked away in a savings account under both of your names. Savings account my ass. You refuse to show me bank statements. And the money from summer '09? You two blew it all. The fuck was i thinking handing my paychecks over to you two this summer? Last year, I had it under control til the mother found out in august
n took all my remaining cash. Used some, deposited the rest. Even after that, why did i still give them to you n her?

I got two checks left in my possession, n tomorrow i'm opening a fucking checking account so that i won't have to go through you to fill my wallet with bills, even though those bills are money i already earned. I know this some kiddy shit, but it's bouta be my first step towards financial independence from you. I never even wanted rides from you or the mother, i fucking insisted on making my own way home. But ever since the mother yelled at me last month for taking the t, for riding with friends who have cars, for worrying you two, for not appreciating enough to accept your rides, for not letting you two be my parents and ensure that i'm safe, for making you look like the bad guys... It felt more like i was doing you two a favor the way i was chaining myself to your schedules. N then i feel like a whiny, privileged little bitch for not wanting these rides, for not wanting you to go out of your way for a capable 16 year old; the guilt and self-doubt is smothering. 

I don't know how to be considerate of you. I don't know how to please you two, my own parents. 

But just so you know, Father, your 2 fifty dollar bills are on your desk. There's your change.

Nonsense #2

the purpose of my hands
the thirst to my hunger
the drive to my motivation
and the warmth of my affection
are all hollow histories now. 

when energy’s neglected
when value stays unseen
how do you cope with loss?
with faded existence in eyes?
with decay?

how do you relearn to love yourself
in order to love him again
in order to make the same mistake twice
but realize all things with clarity
after the second?
left with bones and
fleshy voices that
lose their marrow
and float on with
empty memories.

Nonsense #1

concentration unbreakable
focus unchallengable
potential indisputable
sweet as

my heart

Friday, August 26, 2011

Only 3 Months Ago

I am a stickie note hoarder, and im happy that i am. 

So when i was going thru all of the ones id forgotten, i found some that were basically journal entries about him, and it was dumbfounding to realize in what ways ive changed since may, since this summer happened. It felt something like reading a letter from a lost close one; the voice is so familiar and shit, but you know it doesnt hold the same presence anymore.

(only thing i edited out were names)

"its been over 9 months since ive seen you. 9 months since i talked to you and hugged you and could feel you outside of memories and daydreams. it was august 20, the day after the afh summer bash, and we were eating cake and cupcakes and talking about animals and shelters. i remember you left early, to go home for lunch, n den came back in the pm to get ready for your live painting job that night. i remember talking about dinner at q    's, set for the following week. i remember that you were the one to bring it up, cos i had started talking about how i wouldnt see you again for a long time. and to know that you had the next time wed meet in mind made me... feel hopeful. just sucks to be right though. sucks that i didnt hug you longer when i could. i didnt wanna make h       wait too long though, he wanted to go home so bad cos there werent many people he cared about there at the time. 

in the six solid weeks i got to spend with you, we only hugged twice. the first, as i was bout to leave the end o summer bash. c        was in a rush to get us all, n  , me n herself, home but i had to see you, cos i was scared i wouldnt see you again anytime soon. n i had spent all of the past few days working up the nerve to jus approach you and wrap my arms around you. days i spent thinking about how i would do it. i was so fuckin determined to make it happen, to make it perfect, n i was damn nervous too. i made my way to the back alone, the gallery was clearing by that time, but the graffers were still going with jus the light of the kitchen and a few overhead bulbs. your older brother and his girlfriend were watching the breakers as i walked by. 

a    n you were collabing, but he was standing back near the door outside, chilling. n i cant forget how adorable you were, tryna teach your younger brother to hold the can n spray some off to the side of the canvas. n then he was either standing right next to you or hanging on your back as you did your thing. your dad was there too, with a video camera in his hand. i thought about how you had told me your relationship with your parents wasnt good, how they didnt like you going around graffing. yet here was your dad, talking to somebody about you, about how talented you are. n your little brother had the cutest tiny glasses.

earlier in the process, when it was still light out, i remember you and a    wearing masks, but it mustve gotten hot or you stopped caring about that safety shit. i was just standing next to a   , debating whether or not i should go up to you. you were busy and i didnt want to interrupt that, n i almost gave up n left yenno! but then you took a break, turned around and saw me, asked, "are you leaving k  ?" n i told you, "yeah. bye d    !" n jus dove right in for it, went for that hug that id been waiting for, that id wanted so bad, n it was perfect. my arms went around your neck, so you gently held my waist, n i remember how small n nice you felt, it was lovely. but to be honest, my memorys fuzzy, so exactly what was said i cant remember, that makes me sad. but i recall perfectly what your body felt like. i remember with such clarity the feeling, the happiness n cloud 9 high. i remember thinking, i hope i smell good n not sweaty n gross. i thought about how you had told me i looked nice earlier in the day. i was in my romper, u in your b1 example tee n striped shorts

i embrace my intuition and emotions and energy and silence. so when it comes to hugs, i believe they express the soundless dynamic between two individuals. you n me, that night, the cooling summer n voices around us, that was possibly my all time favorite hug.

even though there had been times when i felt boring and awkward to you, when neither of us really had much to say, when i thought you were plain uninterested and wanted no part of me, even though there had been those times, everything, n ive never been more honest, about us hugging felt so natural. 

and the second time, was the last moment that i saw you. damn you for only being in my dreams since then. damn you for never showing up for veggie dumplings. damn you, for effortlessly making me fall for you.

that night after q    's, and for the few days after, i was hella upset. i felt dumb for expecting you to show up. really, how dumb am i for thinking youd wanna see me badly enough to come to somerville? g     , who didnt show up either, told me you were busy packing up for college. n thats when i stopped frontin wit myself, n really let the doubts n reality sink in, take root. you had to put your future before anyone, no shit. i will always respect that. i just wish that i could be a part of that future, even in a tiny way. i just wish that i could know what youve been up to these past 9 months, see what youve been wearing or if youve grown or what youve painted, made, filmed, anything. im just so desperate to know something, anything. i wish we had exchanged numbers, started texting. my regrets wish for a lot of things, always. 

there hasnt been a day since august 20, 2010 where i havent thought about you.. youre in every 11:11 wish, memories of you come up all the time, im always visiting your unchanging tumblr of artwork, checking to see if you reactivated your facebook, passing your contact in my phone which you dont know i have... the last one doesnt sound right, i know, but you were there reading it out to me n g      when i got it. n i never used it. ever. n u never asked for my number, n i never thought about giving it when i shouldve. 

i miss you. fuck, i miss you. n this was all just senseless typing n rambling. cos what do i know about love? what does it matter that i care for you if you dont know it or dont feel the same? why am i like this if you probably havent thought of me more than twice since we last saw each other? honestly, i feel so dumb sometimes, so childish for clinging to some hope, if there is any, of a dream relationship with you. its ridiculous to be as sprung as i am. it just doesnt make sense...

but maybe thats ok. maybe its ok to just do me n feel what i feel, n embrace it. cos honestly, i might not know what to do with myself if i stopped waiting, n hoping.. 

9 months. thats a complete pregnancy ahahah.." 

I used to write some daaaamn cute shit.