Sunday, July 21, 2013

Right Now #7

1) Every time I think things are going well, every time things feels bearable and pleasant, shit takes a sudden swerve for the worse, and I'm back to limboing between feeling miserable in her presence and feeling just as miserable from a distance. When I get home from escaping her, she gets bitchy. When I'm making efforts and spending time with her, she gets bitchy. Today alone, much less the rest of this week, was such a roller coaster. 
Cooking together in the morning was fine until she suddenly decided to go on a rant about all the "bad people" from Dorchester versus all the "good people" from Nobles. Such ignorant bullshit.
Dying her hair was fine except for the fact that she spent the first five minutes telling me I wasn't doing anything right. She bitches all she wants, but at the end of the day, she can't do it herself.
Dinner with her and the father would have been fine if she hadn't gotten pissed at me over college finances. I tried to involve her in the process by telling her all the steps I've been taking to lock down financial aid and loans, but she blew up when I told her the numbers and how NYU cut a few grand of my scholarship after reevaluating their tuition and receiving our tax forms. She said I wasn't financially responsible enough and that that was the reason why we had lost money, that had she known how much we were going to end up paying, she wouldn't have let me pick NYU over Northeastern. She was spewing awful words that stole my appetite, and we spent the rest of the meal in relative silence while she conversed with Ba on her other side. Then, halfway through dinner, she had the balls to say that because I'm working, I better save enough to help her send money back to Nha Trang in two months. Who the fuck first accuses me of being financially responsible and then turns around to ask for money? Of course I'm going to give to my own family, but she has no right to demand a certain amount of me if it's charity. What money would I have anyway if I'm apparently so irresponsible?
I'll never be her favorite daughter, but I sure as hell will not owe her a single dime for my education. 
It's tiring to remind myself that this woman is beautiful when there's so little peace with her these days.
I also fucking hate hot pot.

2) This NYU shit keeps me stressing day and night. As soon as I've finished one step, another gets added to the staircase, making it feel like I'm forever climbing for something unattainable. There is always this to register for, that to enroll in, this process to start, that loan to read up and apply for. I'm constantly bearing a crown of deadlines and worrying that at any given moment I'm forgetting something or late on something else. When asked about NYU, my answer is always that I'm amped to start soon, but to be honest, everything about NYU has been depressing because just as the case was when I was accepted and read my financial aid statement, all the joy that I should feel is overshadowed by the weight of forms, numbers, and imminent debt. No doubt this is what I want---that's been a sure thing since the day I first visited. But it's hard to keep my spirits up when what I feel doesn't agree with what I reason in my head. It's also pathetic that this is even a factor, but the negative shit the mother says about my choices really starts getting drilled into my head day by day.

3) I like that we can watch Wes Anderson films, share a blanket, be stupid. I like that I can just lay there and feel temporarily content under the weight of his head resting atop mine or on my shoulder. I like that he never runs out of food or Hi-Chew's.

4) Thank you Universe for my job, without which I would be institutionally insane by now. It's one of the few things in my life that's empowering me and reminding me that my challenges are my blessings. Not everybody gets these same opportunities for growth. 
I always leave so fucking exhausted from pouring every ounce of my energy towards radiating my most positive self, but it's the kind of tired that leaves me feeling high on happiness, which is hard to come by nowadays.

5) I'm still shocked that Gi Bon straight up ignored me the other night after visiting Dana and Darren. The way she looked at me before turning away quickly was strange, but the way she very deliberately ignored my hello was cold. I understand that she's resented the mother since last year, but I didn't realize those feelings had grown to encompass the whole family. Just utterly shocked by how immature a woman of her age could be. I guess I just assumed that she'd still love me because I was her niece, but obviously I gave her too much credit. When I was still over at hers everyday to tutor Dana and Darren junior year, we were definitely on good terms. I haven't seen her since then, but I never saw this change coming. I feel almost lied to wondering if this was how she had felt all along but was only faking in front of the kiddies. 
As pissed off as it made me, a part of me honestly is sad. Seeing all the cousins, Duong Bon, Gi Bon, Linda's grandma, the kiddies, all seated together like on every Saturday and Sunday, made me homesick for Hanoi and the warmth that I'd been welcomed into at the huge family dinners. They made me remember the weekly Sunday parties that I used to love as much as I dreaded, where Ba would always get drunk and puke, where the Vietnamese karaoke was always louder than any Spanish house party down the street. (#turntup!)

6) Dana and Darren leave next week, and I'm banging myself over the head now for not spending more time with them sooner. Now I'm scrambling to rearrange my schedule and cram more hours in with them. Anhthu was like, "You know, Dana told me that you inspire her." That definitely caught me off guard, so I laughed and asked, oh really? How? As she was answering, Dana cut her off and redirected us towards bracelet making. I guess she was embarassed that Anhthu had put her on the spot, but that moment really made my heart melt.
Later, the worst time came when I had to hug and kiss them all good bye, but when I got to Darren, he kissed my cheek before I got his. :')
I'm glad I was with them two days in a row, but leaving them always makes me ache. 

7) I hate when I fall into these depressing moods, but they're only temporary. I swear I'm content, for the most part.

8) Ba said something really kind tonight.
Ba told me that Ba doesn't mind helping me pay for my education (no matter how much it is) because money comes and goes, but what we learn can stay with us forever. 
Ba said that Ba's seen how hard I worked throughout my years at Nobles and trusts that I'll do even better at NYU.
I think that's the closest Ba's ever gotten to conveying that he's proud of me.