Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012

Bestie asked me about my tumblr name. She told me my explanation made her heart hurt. 

I feel for her and all the turmoil she's experiencing because of him, the dynamic, the questions. 

I told them about my early early acceptance, unsure of what I was feeling. Momma was silent, and all father said was, "Nice, con." It was good enough to apply to early, but not good enough to be more than a safety school.

Momma laughed at me because I weigh one pound more than her.

As we had our coffees, strolling through JP, she congratulated me, told me how affirming it should be and how proud I should feel. But I told her the affirmation was only relative, that there was no pride in me, and that other than some temporary shock, I felt nothing but empty ambiguity. Then, I called her out on sharing my personal news on Facebook, replicating the moment between myself and her in an impersonal forum where my news wasn't mine to share anymore. I told her how I was overwhelmed--one friend called me at 4 a.m. to confirm her status, and people approached me in the hall to ask about it. We talked tensely about it and then fell quiet.

I wish I was more than just useless when it comes to the shit she's been navigating. How heavy is the heartbreak of losing what you saw as your future? And yet, she's onto a new guy now, which in my mind is much too fast and much too soon. But who am I to form opinions of someone else's life when I'm not the one living it? I just worry that she's falling into the same traps and burying herself--I've told her so, and she didn't deny it. Of course, I won't stop her if she feels it's right.

She didn't want me to think of her as a whore, but the ideas of "whore" and "slut," within the context of a girl who has many relationships, don't exist in my head. I see nothing wrong in someone chasing after what they want, so long as they do so without shit like homewrecking and other messed up interferences with others.

She's in love. I'm so happy for her and can't help hoping I find someone who loves me as much as he loves her. Sometimes, I wonder if I had but lost them.

Photo shoot failed brutally. We legitimately looked like demon children.

Why did he message me? It was a weird conversation, and I liked him less and less the longer it went on. All he did was victimize himself in every situation and whine like the world was ending. He went into how T ended their friendship "out of nowhere" and asked him to move out of his house, saying he didn't know what he'd done wrong. You fucking kidding me? Even I knew. Ha, it was legit funny at that point. You can't honestly have them clean up yo drunk as fuck, puking all over shit, belligerent, nasty ass; make J bawl out of fear; repeat that on a family vacation you were their guest to; complain nonstop about how everybody isn't good enough for you; and expect them to keep you around. I pity his small mind...

She told me something in the way I talked about T made her think he was some hoodass gangster. I diedddddd. I guess in some ways he was. He drove a pretty gangster whip, and every time I got in the car, he changed his music to a playlist he'd made for was all hardcore rap and really shitty club-esque hip hop!

The award they gave us for seven years of service was engraved with "Greenough Noble School."

So hungry right now.

Procrastinating sooooo much. Fucking articles.

Haven't been writing enough to feel balalalalalanced.

Everyone around me is experiencing game-changers and making grand decisions to shape their future. And then there's me, waiting and working and waiting and working for this year to just end already.

He hit me up about hanging out this break since he's home, but I don't think either of us will have time to. Sad face.

He asked me when I was visiting Tufts. Daw.

I want a banh mi. And lots of desserts. Holy fuck...crave so hard, muthafuckas wanna fine me...

She told me of all her big sis' friends, I and one other girl were her favorites!

While we were eating pie, he told me out of nowhere that C had really wanted me to come with them to see 007, that C really likes me because I'm silly. A few seconds after, he added "But likes you as a person." Hahahah goddamn, what a bummer!

Later, while we were chilling, he suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and led me to the window. I had no idea what I was looking at or for, but lo and behold, there was C. Fuck, I went out and said hi while I looked like shit, and I barely got much of a convo in before S came and booted me out the car! But damn, why is he so fine? I'd quite appreciate if we could just be in love already. I'm not down to be that active about boys and shiet right now, but it's cool because S is always making chill seshes happen. Like in a few weeks, we're all going to some deserted paranormal site. Hopefully I don't die in the process of macking on him (HAHA).

I love America's Food Basket and the looks I get for not being Latina. 

A really nice man on the train helped me get all my bags together. Later, I overheard him saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" left and right!

It's going to be such a cozy Thanksgiving this year! There will be mad family, mad food, and mad love to remember this holiday by. I'm damn thankful for my circumstances, even if my mood tends to fall on the blue side. 

"The truth will set you free."

I've been thinking about OTL a lot, remembering all my clients' stories. A memory that really struck me was asking Susie about her dreams, about what she wanted most, and so she told me about how much she wanted to be married and raising a family. That cigarette break, when her ashes flew down wind into my eyes, when I silently blinked away tears, the cause of which I honestly wasn't sure, I felt my heart struggle to accommodate her sadness and reality. She had an idea of the unlikelihood to her dreams, and that pained me.

I thought about her the night I talked to some friends about desirability, how grateful we should be to have the loves we have and have had the ones we lost. Heartbreaks caused by vulnerability, expectations, or a lover, are an education not everyone gets the privilege to.

I hope that everyone one day has as much to be thankful for as I have been lucky to have. 

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