Thursday, September 22, 2011

Right Now #3

the shit you just pulled on me. had me waiting n worried as hell, running around tryna find a phone to call you with. finally do, n all you have to say is tha you changed your mind n would be late, told me to be ready n sitting outside so tha i dont keep you waiting. finally get in, n immediately you make a joke of my emotions, blaming another bad day at school for my pissed off, tired facial expression. i stayed quiet, giving you shortass answers, no laughter, kept praying for silence. instead, when my responses dont satisfy you, you cut the jokes. you tell me i have no reason to be upset, tha you showed up in the end, tha i should stop making tha face.

how is it tha even when the roles are reversed, youre still the one with seemingly all the rights to be the only person unhappy? n i still end up defenseless n fully submissive?

theres nothing more exhausting than repeating to myself, they had a tough day...they had a tough day...they are more tired n deserving of peace than i am...

why i didnt feel 100% comfy in the affinity group tonight:

i walk in, see one young girl sitting n eating without anyone sitting on either side of her, n say hi, tryna make conversation.

me: "you were involved last year too, right?"
her: "yeah, i was!"
me: "mhm, good to see you again!"

then, as im getting up to grab food, the student leader indiscreetly whispers to her friend, "funny how k   said that when she never came to a meeting last year..." 

out of immediate reactions, i whipped around n asked a clarifying, "what?" not sure if id heard them right...

but their quiet "oh, nothing"s, the way they wouldnt look at me, n the subtle shame of being caught on their faces, explained everything. 

i didnt mean to offend or front or any shit like tha. just wanted to engage a shy girl they left hanging. its so mature of them to neglect their duties as senior leaders n have their private lil conversations, then judgmentally critique other participants in the support group.

feelin mad discouraged from coming to future meetings, but theyre just 2 people who i shouldnt let affect me. well see.

i needa chill the fuck out n stop trippinnnn on signsssss (/shit i imagine into the universe's "signs"). hearing h      ask aloud about him right inside my ear made my heart sink...i think it was the setting tha made me miss him so much deeper. now tha i think about it, yesterday was my first time at afh without seeing d     since the beginning of summer...not counting his sick days n his court trial days teehee. it just gave me a pang right then knowing he forreal wasnt around anymore, when it felt like he was built into the very foundation. when he embodied so many aspects of afh n positivity to me. when i was too used to always getting excited n sweetly nervous to see him there.

ms. w       told us today wed be driving down to a risd gallery next wednesday

i will not get my hopes up n imagine wonderful scenarios with him. id only be robbing myself of an open mind. 

h: "so basically you two are meant to be. go for it n do work."
k: "but if we really were, i wouldnt have to be doing all the work alone."

i will not text him. i will give no warnings, make no plans. whatevers meant to be, will be.

it makes me so fucking loopy n fuzzy on the inside when a   references him at randomass times! some days, i dont want to remember him, but i cant ever control the smiles i get when my mind drifts to memories n details of him, of us. 

lunch n the pm were too fuckin funny!! happiest parts of my day. i laughed a whole fucking lot, more than i have at noballs in a minuteeee. thanking all things good for kind peoples who can get my lungs failing n my ribs splintering. mad diversity too hahahahah goooddddd shittttt!

bummed tha e   's birthday night hadda be tomorrow, cos i already have undecided plans n y    's staying over. really wanna be there for her, n sad tha ill be missing out, but i stay committed! ill make it up to her when i can

ive been refusing meals some days these past few weeks. i swear im not anorexic. just feelin dumb about why i did/do it when i know i need to take better care of myself. ill be so hungry it fucking kills, but still i wont eat just cos i know the physical pain is completely separate from my emotional state. ill be too unhappy. ill lack motivation to eat. n sometimes i feel like the stabbing hunger is what i deserve, n then i even feel a lil happier. above all else, its cleansing. mentally, emotionally, n spiritually. ive made friends with the unabashed growls n body-wracking motions of my demanding stomach. but i forreal needa cut this pain junkie shit outtt. 

been feeling so guilty n dark lately, but i was so very fucking happy yesterday. it was only yesterday. how quickly things can turn to shit

realized i understand mas emotions with so much more clarity now after much firsthand experience. tha calls for its own post tho

i cant afford all the books n art supplies i want...#starvingartiststatus hahahahah im whackk!

its so very difficult to care about shit again. yesterday was good, yesterday i was startin to crack the habit, but im back where i started now. i feel some shitty grades coming my way real soon

most days, all i want when i come home is silence filled only with music or street noise. i dont desire to hear your bitching or your wisecracking. n this is fucked up, but i also dont desire your questions at times. if were having dinner n watching tv, i dont desire your many inquiries about vocabulary n grammar tha lead to drawn out tangents in the middle of a good office episode or news broadcast. ask your husband, even if he does make fun of you. just please leave me the hell alone. its fucked up, its self-centered, i know n im sorry, but all the undesirable sounds n conversations when im already so mentally n emotionally exhausted really fucking test my limits. i dont have the same patience tha comes with being happy. im sorry tha i need so much fucking space n time everyday. just let me be. thas all i ask for.

i just wanna hit the weekend right fucking now, n be with loved ones, n see fresh faces, n experience new things, n confidently meet new people, n go out on my own, n strut like a fucking queen, n read the poetry i want, n radiate with the truth of how gratefully happy i am at the end of the day, n walk into an almost empty afh n stare at the artwork for as long as i feel, n shop for the comforting things i need, n pick apples with the kiddies, n make their faces light up, n hold their small hands, n hug them n kiss them n ask about their days, n see them be happily loved by their mommy.

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