Her divine words sustained me through this week, n some lines are so deeply ingrained in my mind:
"Love yourself into a better place..."
"What a gift, to know where we went wrong..."
"You are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love..."
Im realizing how draining it is to even think about this shit, esp tonight on this all nighter free of early morning consequences :) Been a minute, 5 days to be exact!
Im too stubborn n too stupid to accept that it isnt me, tha its you. Cos its easier to evaluate where i went wrong, than to judge your actions without any insight into your perspective. I know where i stand. I know why i did this, said that. N even tho i already know that the situations a 2-way street, that its determined by more than either of our feelings n wants, that variables are unaccountable n innumerable, i cant help but attack myself over n over, repeatedly, consecutively, all to defend my perception of you. I get nervous just thinking about my doubts taking full control n letting go of every hope i have for this. Whatever the fuck this is.
Always, id expect so much of you bcos id do so much more for you.
Id thought of you so fucking much since the last day of work, thought of you from every angle. Heard a 's story n still couldnt forget you. Realized that her story didnt matter all that much to me bcos the situations are completely different. The differing circumstances basically rendered her story irrelevant to mine, but they did make me reevaluate what it is that i have with you. Killed me the way a told me how comfortable you always are around me, how there was something in me that brought out something else in you, something natural. How our friendship looks tight from outside eyes. How we have that before anything else.
But you n i lack communication, the very means of stability n connection in a relationship. N i cant yank the words from your throat, cant force your hands to write me the thoughts i need.
i been thinking, you could never give me the honesty of how much you truly care (whether that be with all your goodness or none at all). But how can i assume that of you if my dishonesty was always deeper? If my greatest deception was never conveying the breadth of what i feel for you? I invented games, tucked my heart away, taught myself to love with less risk.
There was nothing romantic about the way we were on the sidewalk. Can't explain the shock n gratitude going thru me as we walked closer n closer down that block. When n told me later that she wanted him to be a surprise, i went off on her! Playing around wit these kinds of surprises jus doesnt fly with me! I was so mentally n emotionally caught off guard.
Thinking back now, it was so reminiscent of that thursday at the bash, of standing on the street level wit the sunset behind me n his face lit in warmth. His hands on the handlebars. Except this time we were in broad daylight, with hours to go before dusk.