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Friday, September 2, 2011

Right Now #1

Chi t    's pregnant with her n anh v 's first child :) Superstitious to talk about it, cos it's only been weeks. She looked plump n healthy n so happy, n im just so excited for them. Telepathically sending them my positivity


Gotta draw d    her portrait


Gotta make k     her earrings


Gotta check my balance online


Gotta write chi t     a bday card


Didnt go to the first commishhh meeting today, cos the first email said sept 3rd, but worse, im just not ready. My sketches are shiiiiet.


Im fucking terrified of disappointing, n of making a shittyass painting thas commissioned. Most people on the project are toooo dope, theyre so technically skilled, honed conceptualizers, efficient as helllll...so why the fuck was i chosen?!?! I know im more experienced than some of the new kids involved, but honest to goddd i dont see what s       n j      see in me n my work from this summer...theyre the artists i fear most about disappointing. I keep comparing my pieces to other kids', n i keep gettin intimidated by not only them but the mentors' talents too, n i shouldnt be making these comparisons in the first place. I am my own worst critique. I am growing. I need to stop hindering my learning process


Focus on you right now, focus on your creative process


Maddd art related work i needa be breaking my back over, but im nottttt. Slacking like a mofo. I know my deadlines, i know my responsibilities, i know how much time i have available to get the shit done, i know how much is riding on it all, but im not focusing enough. Im not pouring myself into the work. Im legit screwing myself over, as if i dont want the chances ive been given n thas fuckin stupid!! Fuck myself for not committing to something i supposedly love.


Fuck letting my emotions get to my mind n consequently fuckin with my productivity


At the end of the day, you dont give a damn bout how im doing, or at least not enough to ever hit me up. So to lay around fucking moping over you, over meaningless shit... the fuck am i doing? Overanalyzing unnecessarily as if my understanding of events is gonna change what has already happened. The past is untouchable, what dont i get about that? I needa be making something of myself...n as much as i hate admitting this, in the back of my mind, i want to be better in the hopes that youll fall infatuated with me, for all that i am, for all that i have n will become. Thas fucking pathetic.


I shouldnt let you control me like this


I shouldnt think like this


I dont needa fucking please anyone...right?!


So funny how chi t     was trippinnnn over the photos of you n i, she couldnt get over how different you look. Kept saying you finally look like youve "entered your manhood" hahahahh


Chi t     accidentally switched your name wit nico's in a conversation bout you, cos my situations so reminiscent to her of her own. Its like everyones personal shit is so very relevant to everyone elses.


Im so fucking blessed to have people in my life who i can sit in the park with n just talk to about everything n anything n not feel the need to ever be more than what i am right then n there. Individuals whose fascination with geese makes me smh n roarrrr. May only the most fulfilling of experiences come to them


Whenever im just in my bra n undies n i look in the mirror, my body looks sooo fuckin plain with jus my navel piercing. I desireeeeeee that rib tat. I jus need to find the right words, the ones ill never tire of seeing, the ones that sum me up right now, in this present phase of my 16 years


Thinking about piercings n tats makes me so jolly hahahahah! Cos in my head, its my only way of affirming that this body is mine, that i do own something substantial, something that only death can truly take from me. Fuck yeahhhh. Cant wait to donate my hair again too


Gotta look out for the mail n snatch tha debit card quickkkk. They cant see it


I feel like a fucking shadow next to chi t     most days, n those moments make me forget if im even worth shit. Its a yucky feeling, but shes just doing her n its self-inflicted, i already know that. I just get so fucking insecure, n i get to feeling ugly from my personality to my posture!


Its weird that i sit in the shower some days n just think about life n shit as the water pounds my back. Thas when im at my lowest n feelin my emo-est hahahah


I keep thinking about transforming my mentality, so that ill see noballs as a more positive part of my life, n not the shittiest.


When am i gonna see you next? 


How am i gonna lock down my position?


What hue are my vertebrae?


Why do you call me "love"?

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