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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Right Now #5

This week was hell, commitment-wise and emotionally. I kept jumping from the extremes of the spectrum, which are downright shitty or straightup shitting rainbows, and then back to my normal state of living zombie. Most of the times though, I'm just chilling in my zombie mode, where I don't really feel much at all (which makes me unhappy, which is technically a feeling, but I don't wanna get technical right now...). As A__ said, we're just going through the motions. I should be used to this, but instead it's killing me right now. Sometimes, I just feel so dead inside that it scares me. Scares me. And when I get like this, and look in mirrors, I laugh at how much I hate what I see. Not cos I'm hating on my face n how ugly or unattractive it is, but bcos I don't look alive. It's downright depressing to look at myself, and I'm starting to hate that it's what everyone else sees, too. It's like I'm rotting. Hahahah, I'm crazy, aren't I? :)


http://www.youtube.com/user/francisnocduh09


This cutie. Can't get over him  but why's he gotta live in Alaska?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGfJ1KXjrJI


This song. Period.


When driving with ba on Friday, I pulled my first fucking hit-and-run... No idea how bad the damage to their side-view was, but it didn't sound good... Ours looks fine though. I'm going to hell, if I wasn't already. World, I am a female asian driver and deserve every stereotype you've ever made for me.


T__. I just feel so fucking stupid n unhappy, but this is everything I deserve.


He made the Dean's List, n hung the letter up on his fridge.  Proud of him.


I love his slash N__'s fam so ridiculously much. Those parents break their backs like no others, but the mother's putting in her two-weeks soon. ♥ Thank goodnizz.


Friday night over at N__/Q__'s was so very fucking neededdddd! Love that woman ♥ She always makes me wanna better myself, like when we were couponing n cooking together. Girl's got maaaad skills. I gotta keep up!


We fell asleep to Glee on Netflix, plus Viet comedies that reeeeeally fuckin tested my linguistics. :( Happened again when we met the monk in Malden at Co Lan's. The terms and grammar he used were so complicated, all relating to complex topics like spirituality and recited in poetic ways slash the style of teachings. Could not for the life of me completely understand any of his stories. </3 Fuck my uncultured ass...


Burnt the first batch of cookies!!!!! Their oven was ridiculously strong n I'd never used it before... I feel so much damn shame when I create fucked up baked goods. I refused to let N__ feed any of the messed up ones to the fam! Not that the others were even perfect, since the oven flames were still so powerful they'd burn the underside of the cookies while the tops were still doughy. 


I love writing on trains  not in the graffiti sense though! (Still gotta do that at some point in my life!) I mean pen-in-hand-meets-notebook-while-riding-the-orange-line writing :)


Stole mad Vietnamese music, which I listened to on my slow way home. I wonder if the strangers sitting next to me could hear it hahah. Must've thought I was such a fob 


On the bus ride home, a car almost crashed into us, but our driver was smart n braked in time. Then we all applauded her for saving our lives. It was a sweet thing.


The kiddies  I got to see them twice this week. I love em oh so much, it hurts most days. They're the funniest lil kids I know, I swear! Makes me so happy to see them, mess with them, feed them clementines, share gushers. N Gi Bon, my god </3. She tried to thank me for coming over this past month to visit them, but choked up. She was straight crying n didn't want me to see, so she ran over to the sink to do the dishes, n said bye from there. Didn't want me or the mother to see her face, although we already knew. But there was absolutely nothing to thank me for. Back in the car, the mother laughed about Gi Bon, her sister, crying over the kids, which kinda pissed me off. I thought about it later though, and all of a sudden realized, after years of struggling to understand why she does that, that it's a mental health tactic of hers. She's always been doing that, that laughing at serious matters to make em seem trivial. I don't blame her. You do whatever you need to keep happy, n that's exactly what she does... Me though? Bawled when I got home. I think I always cry after I see the kiddies n Gi Bon, but I don't mind. It feels good to just feel something, anything.


S________ n I are becoming biddiesss, yo! We had sucha coolass, crazy heart-to-heart last night. He told me he had mad respect for me cos one time (LISTEN UP, SASSY) S_____ told me to be in dresscode, so I spat back, "Wear a bra!" N apparently he just thought that was the funniest thing ever, n still remembers that one moment even though it happened last year. I was dyingggg cos I had no memory of that ever happening! I'm so happy S_____ n I have that kind of relationship though, where we can just happily shit on each other 


J_____: 
yeahh
you used to be soo happy


J____. It fucking bothers me how I feel like she doesn't give a shit about me sometimes, n only focuses on herself. I try to open up n just vent for a minute, but she takes it right back to herself. I listen to sooooo much of her shit, n give her advice n encouragement n just my full attention. She can't reciprocate half of that. After your friend rants about what's making them upset, who fucking says, "Moving on... the boy I met yaddahyaddah..." Fucking kidding me..?


My expectations for people are always too high or too low. I never learn to just stop expecting.


PSAT scores... I deserve a heavy pimpslap to the face. Did not make National Merit. Helloooooo to loans, baby...


All the school work, piling up... fuck. 


I needa be on top of India trip forms... fuck. 


Somedays, I'm proud of myself for taking care of this fam's paperwork. N then other days, I wish I didn't have to. But it'd be so fucking ungrateful of me to say so.  


AFH bio to write... aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh I just wanna keep writing useless shit until my brain un-fucks itself, n then I'll get back to writing logical ish for school/work


D______ got fired..... :(


Y____'s hooooome n a changed babe! 


A__, yoooo. I need more lunches with that girllllll. I hope she had fun Saturday night, but I don't know if she went or not. J_____ didn't make it sound so good... n I messed with him about his lil scandal hahah. It's really sad though... He only did it cos he felt pressured n inexperienced, cos people kept telling him "head is head"... :( gross. He doesn't find her attractive.


H_____ told me I've been a jerk to him this whole month.... EXCUSE ME, BITCH? WTF?!?! But all good, we still just chill now n then. I'm always wishing he was more reliable 


Can't express how disappointed I was when people laughed at the HIV/AIDS stat announcement. Not fucking acceptable. Motherfuckerssssss. Things like these are what keep me from having pride for the hellhole.


B____ is fucking hilarioussssss.


Drove with the mother. It was unbearable. I'm done repeating the same mistake. I'm not driving with her again, ever, until I get my license. I was pissed n frustrated as shiet. Shoulda known that two bad drivers do not make a right.


She's been on n off my ass all week... it's makin me postal.


I broke out in hives twice this week, but N__ didn't notice when it happened at her place cos we were chillin in the dark n bout to sleep. It was a light reaction that time too. But fucking damn, it was so bad on Wednesday. Couldn't get shit done bcos my skin was burning. Everywhere.


Houston. Soon. Keep troopinnn.


Talked to A__ bout this a lil earlier this week... Been feeling hunger less n less. I feel like I should be worried, but I'm not. I like not being limited by one aspect of my health for once. It's weird, but I kinda like it. I ate a goodish amount at N__'s though. Kinda. Plus a lot of burnt cookies cos I hadda dispose of the evidence. 


My sleeplessness hasn't been this bad in a looong while. From Sunday to Thursday, I'd lay down at 1:30 am or later, just to lay awake with my eyes closed till 6:30 am. Literally. My head's just always buzzing with so much shit that does not leave my thoughts alone for a minute. I'm drifting in n out of consciousness for hours, until I have to be fully awake to start another day. My body aches, gets stiff, wakes me up from my "sleep" cos I needa shift. Pure restlessness. It's fascinatingly exhausting.


Things will get better. Always. Gotta breathe easy. 


1 comment:

  1. Is this who I think it is?! IF so... go easy on yourself, girl! You've got a lot more life to live - it ain't all about PSAT National Merit shit! Shit, girl! Fuck it all ;) You're smart, sassy, strong,and you've prolly got some kick-ass sistahs to beat, right?

    So - you're fuckin' awesome. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially some stupid-ass standardized test prolly made by some white capitalist male pig with his head up his ass... Forgive my language but I do think some topics deserve this level of disgust.

    I miss you lots. And I miss AFH and Rob and Swizzles and Ferb and Claudia and Tom and Joe and Mikey and Sahra and Yhinny and Danielle and Greg and Dru and George and Susan, and most of all I miss y'all! My sweet, smart, amazingly resilient kiddos - the artists who inspire me and keep me goin' on those tough days!

    Call/email me if you ever need an ego boost :) Or just to catch up, and talk, about anything in particular. I'm sure there are plenty of folks in your life who would be thrilled from a call by the great... Cielo! But I'd be honored to get a call, too.

    Hugs,
    Q

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