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Monday, December 12, 2011

Surprises All Around

I needa jus fucking dump about last Friday night…

It’s not as fresh in my mind anymore, but still clear. N I've less emotions in the way of the truth, so words are flowing to me a lil easier too.

Basically, I went into the night with such high hopes for all the best outcomes of a situation I thought had such potential. I wasn’t about to homewreck, but I wanted to be friendly to T__ n just reciprocate whatever he put out for me, and if history repeats itself, then he'd be extremely  sweet, affectionate, allover me. I wanted that. I wanted just that. And in my fucked up lil head I justified that if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be homewrecking cos it meant he didn’t have genuine, deep feelings for the girl in the first place, n that he was coming onto me n not the other way around. I did want to tell him though, to just tell him straight up that I did have feelings for him, but that I understood he had already “moved on.” Woulda said that I just thought he deserved to know…but watta bitch move right? Why would anyone do such a shitty thing, to acknowledge someones progress but try to pull em back. Then again, it wouldn’t have mattered cos he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore, right?

(Y____ calls me huffy for all this lol.)

Uugh. I feel stupid just thinking about this ish.

Best case scenario that I kept hoping for, was so pathetically confident about, was that T__ n I would spend a lot of the night together, just enjoying each other’s company n being at least half-honest about what feelings were or were not there. That’s it. I’m a stupid lil hoe, for wanting him to just miss me and realize that she's not good for him. It's just so fuckin selfish of me to want him now, regardless of the situation…if I didn’t already know about the girl, then in my defense, he initiated everything, gave me the signs that it would be okay to want to be with him. I keep thinking about the way he was to me just over a month ago when I was there, n about all the things he said to N__ like if I wanted to start over, or why she didn’t tell him I slept alone so that he could sleep in his bed with me. All said while he was with that girl. You don’t think like that when you truly care about your significant other, n when you do, you out yourself n the fact tha they're only around to fill your loneliness…but what do I know about their intentions right? N I cant even play dumb through all this…its not right…stupid stupid stupid. Get the fuck over yourselfffff, K__.

So the reality was…everything was different.

Dammit. I just feel like such a stupid fucking cockyass bitch...

I was all nervous but excited to see him. Then, when he's finally home, he pops into the kitchen where N__ n I are, n is half-surprised, half-idgaf to see me. So I say, “Hi, T__!” to which he just says, “Oh. Hey, K__,” before heading to his room…

Yeahh that’s cool…nice to see you too...

There was just barely any emotion to his tone or his expression. He looked exhausted from work, but even more exhausted to see me…

So that was disappoint #1.

#2. Dinner

Food's ready, so I knock on his door frame to get his attention. Door's already open, he's standing around on his phone but it's not a call. “Hey, wassup,” he says, mad nonchalant, barely any eye contact or attention. I tell him dinner's ready, he says he'll be there in a minute. I turn n leave.

He comes in in his pj’s, n lifts his shirt to scratch his chest or whatever. He has a biiiig fuckin belly…not toned…at all…N__ n I are both staring like, the hell are you doing, so he just laughs n says he's itchy…

Next, the three of us, him, me, n N__, are sitting at the table together n eating. It sucked. Just maddd silence. He was damn focused on his food, n not into carrying conversations. I asked him about work, n all he really said was that it was stressful, exhausting, n that he had a month off from classes but would probably take up more shifts at Microcenter. He said the side jobs were coming in though, which meant good money. If I wanted to hear more, I would’ve had to keep asking him questions, but I wasn’t digging the vibes so I basically stopped trying, settled for silence.

N__ n I had our own talks across the table though, at times as if he wasn’t even there. Meaning I just wouldn’t look at him. N__ wasn’t digging him either cos he was insulting her cooking. When he had his head down in his food, we'd exchange looks, stares that meant we acknowledged the weirdness happening, n that it was frustrating the hell outa us.

At one point, N__ n I were joking about me being a hooker like we always do, n T__ pops up n goes, “Hey, cut that out,” or "Stop it,” something like that…n I was kinda like damn, chill your tits dude, n N__ told him it was a joke. It reminded me of how bad he felt over the summer for making the same jokes, thinking he took em too far. N that reminded me of how little he understands of my humor, my personality.

Towards the end of the dinner, there was a cute moment…he grabbed the ends of my chopsticks, looked at them, looked back at his, n then said, “I knew it. You split the chopsticks wrong.” Our pairs were mismatched, but we each had the other’s half. “I have your half, n you have my half. 1 half plus 1 half equals a whole. So together with two halves, we have a whole. Half yours, half mine.”

N then when he finished his bowl of rice, the rice I gave him, he told me, “I had just enough rice. You know me so well.”

N__ was gone by this time, so it was just me n T__ in the kitchen. He was by the sink washing dishes already, so I tried to take my time n just eat slowly enough so that he wouldn’t wait around to wash mine too, but he did…I pushed him away though so that I could, n he didn’t handle me the way he did last time. He just let me do what I wanted, kept his hands back.

I don’t know. The energy n the interactions the whole night were just different. Felt as if he was firmly creating distance between us, keeping things less than platonic. Even when I brought a piece of fluff bread inches from his mouth, he took it with his fingers instead. I know that 2 weeks earlier had been Thanksgiving n that the girls whole fam had come over to eat the food he n his mom prepared. I also know that he wants their parents to have a sitdown dinner to really meet n talk, which pissed Q__ off bcos he doesn’t believe their relationship's legitimate.

Then when Chi T_____ was on the phone with N__, she said I should go sleep with him bcos the girlfriend wasn’t there!! It was pure coincidence though! N__ hadn’t told anyone that I had feelings for him, n also said that Chi T_____ just really doesn't like the girl either from all the things the fam tells her. Literally no one but T__ likes the girl, but here he is making shit serious.

After we were out of the kitchen, T__ went to his room, shut his door, n I went to N__'s. n that was it. I didn’t see him again for the rest of my time there.

In the morning though, when I was half-awake, I laid there in N__'s room, petting sushi while watching the cracked door with blurry eyes. I could make out that T__'s bedroom n closet door were open, the light was on. I could hear him moving around, rustling clothes. So I laid there, eyes half-open, laid there hoping on the tiniest chance that he'd come in, “wake me up,” n say bye before he went to work…he didn’t.

Like I said in an email to K__, it made me so sad to see him unhappy in my presence, or not unhappy exactly, but maybe emotionless? I don’t know, I got the opposite of what I expected, just like I deserved. I wrote that I woke up sad that morning, n the morning after, n the morning after again. Yeah, earlier this week, I felt like shit. For more reasons than just this, but it had a part.

.

Then Thursday night, D____…like the fuck is happening all of a sudden? We ended up fb chatting for I think half an hour til 1:30 am, n then I reeeeeally needed sleep n pce'd. I can't deny that I was high n loopy as fuck from the minute I saw his wall post to me. Every minute that he hadn't im'ed back, I was twitchy n shaky n buzzing with joy n happiness for his every word. 

My godddd im a sucker! Sucha damn sucker for him!

But see, that’s the thing…I'm forreal unsure bout what this all means to me. I can't help but be so fuckin relieved n happy n thankful that he thought about me, but I don’t know what or how much that means for either of us. Feelings for him are still there, but much much subdued. I've taught myself to think of him less, for my own sake. Started wondering if I was forreal getting over that ish or just handling it differently. 

I crave D____'s presence, appreciate so much that we talked n hopefully will keep in better touch now that our break's are almost here n he'll be around. He even asked about getting froyoyoyo...♥ (Still, it reminds me of all the empty invites he's ever made to me...) I love that this means were friends, but I don’t know if I should still bother pursuing for much more, or if I should even burden myself with the feelings that come with that want. Even now, I can't help but see “us” as a lost cause, but stay clinging to the hope that we're not. Since day one I've held tight to that hope...since day fucking one...

Still, at least I can call him a friend, n that's more than I could have ever (realistically) asked for. It's also not something I'm willing to risk now.

I honestly do think that my feelings for T__ haven’t completely gone out the window, hahah. But my emotional depths for D____ are over a year in the making (not counting all the other years that I've known him/thought he was the shit). They exist year-round no matter how shallow at times. I just can't help but still want what I've always wished for. Feel meh?

N you know what else is crazy? That all this craycrayshit is part of my wish, the one I make with every wishbone n numerous numbers on the clock, daily.

18 months' worth of wishing...

The fuck does this all mean?

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