Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year, Old Habits! Pt. 1

Happy 2k12, loves! 

Aaahh, 2011 was just sucha trip... It's weird as fuck to me how so much time, so many events, flew by. I know I say that every year, but everything does forreal hit me at the end and beginning of measured cycles. Been working at a handwritten letter that basically wraps up 2011, but I'm 3 days into the year with so many thoughts to goooo

So far, this year, emotionally, is a hell lot like last, despite some significant progress slash happenings. I also just sound stupid cos last year refers to my past self from only four days ago! And I haven't even written out resolutions yet, but somehow I already feel like I'm breaking em... I'm not making sense and not going in order


It was damn lovely to grab korean chicken, froyo, boba, slash fatass around till the sun went downnnn with P_____, S____, n D____! It was a sweet reunion, n seriously ended my year on a high note :) we had maaad good conversation n moments, from chick talk plus D_ n his only semi-manly perspective, relationshit biz, gossip across schools (trippy as shiettt!), getting old n reminiscing, me n P_ tryna break up S_ n D_'s heated fights, free food n wondering if the old ice cream dude was tryna hollaaaaa, me being the last one eating n the only one not full n in pain, tumblr debating/explanations, to eyeing cuties n tryna work out hookups through each other hahahah! It's mad hard to introduce n share friends sometimes though!

S_ - can't even say how much she has or hasn't changed... I like her, she's nice, but I don't know if we were really vibing. It was just one of those things where it's hard to connect after so long when you don't have much commonality. She's super awks too, which makes things harder. We were cool, just not close. She'd say/do some odd ish though. And Ducky told me later how pissed he was at her.

P_'s just maaaaad dope! One of the chillest girls I know with a clear perspective on people n social ishhh. I know that we could talk for hours with substance yenno? Especially after she called me a few weekends ago while I was at N__'s! Hadn't talked in a minuteeee so I was on the phone for a bit, to the point that T__ stuck his head in, looked at me, then left all in one second...(the fuck?!) But yeahhh I'm lucky to have known her since foreverrrr, but I just wish we had more chances to kick it! Wish we were closer too, so I'm gonna def make more of a conscious effort this year

 D_ - I love him n Anh C____ n their ong noi n ba noi!! They're all too funny n cute! And me n D_'s train ride home was straight preshhhh. He told me about how S_ basically ruined his relationship with this girl who's S_'s bestie. It's pretty fucked up n sad. Ducky still carries the love letter she wrote him for Valentine's Day, n it's just so ridickkkkuously sweet n gushy... n the fact that he's been carrying it in his wallet since their breakup... the loose leaf sheet is fuzzy n so worn... then he showed me the breakup message she wrote him, through facebook. Yahh, she broke up with him through facebook. It's just all so ridick, how he's liked her for almost 2 years now, n how he so strongly believes that the feelings in her letter still stand true but that circumstances fucked their chances up... It made me think of him, even if we were never together, even if he never wrote me any letter. Goodnizzz, all I've got is love for D_, poor buddy. I was so touched that he was sharing that all with me. We go waaaay back, n no length of time of no chats n no visits changes that. I forreal love that we're the childhood, bro-sis friends who can chill after a forever apart, n have nothin but trust n honesty. I wish him only the best cos I feel where he's coming from.

And in those moments, where everything slowed down inside a bullet speeding through the underground, it hit me how very old our feelings seemed to be, despite our lack of years. But we are growing up, and these suddenly aren't the days of being content together with so little anymore. We crave more, we crave people, we crave love. Or at least our ideas of it. And all this age n emotions ish reminded me of Chi T____ once saying, Love is too intense a feeling for teenagers. It fuels long-term decisions on temporary emotions. But who's to ever say how long you'll stay feeling

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I haven't been crushed n smothered enough times. Maybe I've watched too many happy endings. Maybe I'm too stubborn to stop hoping. Maybe I'm too stupid n insecure to let go.

(Universe willing, I've shitloads of time ahead for breakdowns, rebuilding, n growth.)

Whatever the case, I'll shamelessly, unapologetically, do me. 

1 comment:

  1. Your writing resonates deeply. You're gifted. You know that :) Keep writin', lady! Wish I were half as reflective/thoughtful as you, when I was your age... Finally got there though, after 28 years! You continue to teach and humble me - thanks for sharing yourself - your thoughts, your private reflections, with us!