Thursday, November 3, 2011

Weekend Details x Break Down

So, I catch myself thinking about every little thing he's said n done for me lately, n I don't know how I feel about where we are right now. It's like all the guilt I felt before is gone, cos being together again affirmed that things had blown over, were alright. But now I'm left with something new on my conscience, plus a desire for clarity... then again, I'm always wishing for honest simplicity, but emotions don't come without complications. 

All day I'd been nervous about seeing him again since it's been months since the last time we were together, sitting in the kitchen at work n talking heatedly without solutions that left us both upset. He hit me up a few times after, but contact faded out completely, until all I knew of him anymore were n__'s stories. He'd been progressing into a dick since mid-summer, pulling shit like showing his friends to her room with the intent of letting them rent it. 

Then the new girlfriend came in, n thas when shit got reallllll. She was the first girl to ever stay the night in his room, a bigass shock to everyone in the fam. He'd just met her... not even his ex of 3 years had once stayed over. Multiple times, cops got involved, came knocking, cos she's a fuck up dumping her issues on t__; it's straight ridiculous. Apparently she's not attractive, n is supposedly an extreme of me in the sense that she's somethin of a rebel, all pierced up with orange-dyed hair. No one in his fam ever wants her around, n thas what pisses me off the most, the fact that he's putting his family second for the first time in his life when they need him most. They're stressed as fuck, n he's only making shit harder on them with his (and his girlfriend's) newfound disrespect. I can't even get through my head how the fuck this girl can act the way she does towards his fam, strutting around their home like she owns the goddamn place, looking them straight in the eyes without a single word of respect. They're his parents. How dare she fucking act like she's too good to speak to them, when they're tolerating her in their home. Bitch needa recognize where she's at n whose presence she's in. Knowing them, I don't see how anyone could not love them n be overwhelmed with gratitude n awe. They're the sweetest beings, elderly n overworked but never too tired to be welcoming n warm n kind, with a hot meal for you always. 

Q__ n n__ kept telling me it was a damn good thing I didn't keep things going with t__, that I was too good for him. Everyone's lost a shitload of respect for him since this new girl. N__ thought he had good taste in girls when he was with previous ones or into me, but doesn't think so anymore.

I haven't met her, but I already feel like cussing her out. Same with t__, but I remembered that these matters were not my own.

Even though n__ pushed me into his room n threw sushi in there with me (before running across the hall cos they hadn't been speaking for a couple of weeks), I didn't feel awkward, just nervous about how he'd react. He was just chilling at his comp in his home clothes, mad surprised since no one told him I was coming, but happy to see me. N yenno, things went so well. I've always been comfortable with him, conversation came easy since the beginning, but I was surprised the first minutes went that smoothly. Forreal, it just put me at ease, meant that the night would be ok, that we'd both shed the feelings of summer like empty shells. Or maybe not as much as I thought.

We caught up for a while, talking about everything from school to music, sushi in my lap. He was the same clown with dorkyass jokes, saying things like how convenient it is that we're both juniors, cos we'll graduate at the same time n be at each other's graduations hahah. He was just in sucha good mood, mad easy to chill with. When he asked if I'd been sleeping, I told him not so much, n his reply was something like, "I knew it! I always see you gmail at 1 or 2 am," which def caught me off guard. I forgot that he always stayed on invisible to avoid unwanted conversations. 

He'd bring up memories together left n right, like by asking me if I remembered his room, remembered lying in his bed talking. When we got into his car, he touched the feather chain on his rearview I'd made him, n said, "See? It's still here." The whole 15 minute drive to stop n shop, he kept turning to ask me if I was warm enough, comfortable, adjusting the heat n windows nonstop. N by this time, he n n__ were talking again, only cos I was there. Asked me if I remembered our date, n said it was exactly the same minus my ukulele this time. He bumped my favorite jams, the ones on the playlist he'd made for me. When we got to the market, he took the basket from me, tossing things in as soon as my hands were on em. When I was opening a fridge door, he immediately noticed a tinyass cut on my knuckle, n got mad while I laughed about my friend cutting me. In line, I held n__'s wallet hostage so that I could pay, but he swiped his card as I was fumbling with bills. That's right after he told us about keeping an $11 weekly food allowance, cos he's tryna save up. Had me laughing all around the store, talking about his alcoholic roommates n the cold air he could feel goin down his ass crack through his thin pant (he didn't change or even bring a jacket when we left the house). In all honesty, he had me dyinggg or smiling the whole night...

He remembered n noticed everything. Did anything he could to pamper me like a damn queen. Worried over my every move.

Got home, n he made me dinner. Went outa his way to make bbq'ed chicken, even though his mom was already cooking. The whole fam kept asking him why he was going so fancy, kinda jokingly, but eventually stopped cos they already knew. His excuse was that he wanted to make leftovers for the week, but the fool only made enough for all of us at dinner! So shitty coverup. I kept offering my help, but he'd say he was fine. I did whatever I could, like the dishes, n even then he'd butt in, put his hands on my hips n move me aside, take the dirty dishes n my hands in his, n wash mine with soap till they were clean. He had his hands on me a lotttt, made maddd moves. I'd pick the burnt pieces off the chicken, but he'd grab my hand n suck the sauce off my fingers. We ate side by side at the table with his fam, n he'd offer me a sip of his juice every minute, put more food on my plate, ask how everything was. In the middle of dinner, he started talking about how hairless he is, lifting up his arms to show his bare pits! His shirt was fuckin holey n raggedy as shiettttt, I just wanted to go out n buy him new v-necks asapersssss. But goodnizz, how I love family dinners with them, with any fam actually. N the whole time, slash the whole night, n__ would throw me knowing looks every other minute t__ did or said anything.

He gave up his room to n__ n me so that we could have our movie night with his hugeass flat screen n ill lighting. Kept running in n out to adjust the lights n the volume n the brightness of the screen n etc. to please us. Slept on the couch just for us, even though sushi had just left a poop stain LOL. I asked n__ if he always went out of his way, even though I basically already knew the answer... n__: "Nah, only cos you're here, k__."

Adorably considerate n sweet as hellllll. But honestly, dude needed to back the fuck up n quit babying me. I get how damn hard he was working to impress me, n I appreciated his care, but I'm not the type of girl that falls straight for that male-dominance-fueled romantic shit...

But fuck, turn on's = skill in culinary arts, the smell of his sheets, how damn smoothly he drives a stick shift, speaking to me in viet, n tight hugs in the am. 

Not once did he bring up his girlfriend, even when I'd point out her things in his room. Also didn't ask about work, or anyone from there.

Not much in-a-relationship-and-in-love-with-my-siggy-other behavior... at one point, he dug his face into the nape of my neck to inhale a whiff of my hair. N a few times, he'd make inapropro jokes, like tryna push me into bed while saying he could keep me warm for the night. Then taking it back cos he said he was too skinny to be much of a cushion.

The next day, he texted me while on his shift, even though I know he's typically strictly against it. Asked how his bed was, n that he'd drive me home cos it was cold out n worried bout me taking the t. We've talked on n off on gchat.

He wore the outfit I picked out for him.

I've already talked this out with my girlies, but I still don't know where I stand. It'd be so damn easy n seemingly ideal to love him, be with him, have someone to care for, n someone to care for me in return. I've the faintest feeling that I might grow interested in him one day soon, but I'm holding too many doubts. Forreal, I don't think I'm ready to fall full-heartedly for him or anyone right now. Thoughts of D____ are steadily falling back into my subconscious, no longer at the forefront of my mind but still present. I think about how much he elicits in me through just memories, from my daydreams to the heaviness of my aches. I just can't say that t__ evokes the same, n it wouldn't be all fair to either of us if we were together. Feelings wouldn't be fully mutual, not that they ever really are in any relationship. Now that the guilt of causing him unhappiness n bitterness is cleared, a fresh part of me wonders why I'm not with the one who can finally care for me the way I deserve, n why I won't just make him happy. He's worth so much.

I feel terrible, but there's no doubt in my mind that he'd leave his current girl if I made it clear that I was interested. But I never want to be that girl, as destructive as the relationship is. I want so badly to see him doing okay, to see his family at peace, but I don't know how to help him while still upholding distance. With him, it's a damn struggle to be close without attachment, to be homies but nothing further. 

Now that I've written all that out, my head's a lil clearer, n I feel silly for feeling as conflicted as I did right after the weekend... I think about how much he cares, feel for him as someone who has been in (or kinda still is) in his very position. But I do no one justice diluting my honesty. I got ever so slightly sprung off his sweet gestures n kind intentions, that I think I mistook what I felt for growing romantic interest. That's not to say that the feelings will never be there. Just not now. Or maybe they are, but I don't recognize them cos it's been so long since I've really felt anything for someone else. I miss his company, n still think about him n the potential of a relationship together, but I know better than to trust my emotions right now. 

Damn...he does inspire me to write, but not the words that reveal the depth of infatuation.

Just wishing him n all my loved ones the best.

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