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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sick Day

I'm fucking disappointed n upset with how my day was.

I woke up in pain, still sprawled on my bed n not understanding what was going on. So I get up n out to do my usual routine, but just straightening my spine to stand up was killinggggg me like a mofo n it scared the fuck outa me. I could feel shooting pain from my lower back, maybe even my tail bone area, n stomach cramps for no goddamn reason. I was nauseous from the pains. Every little movement that engaged my back killed. I was so confused at first n kept tryna shake it off, but it only got worse. I limped, hunched over, to the bathroom, brushing my teeth while leaning over because standing straight hurt too much. Made it up the stairs to shower, still not believing just how painful every movement was, from bending down to pulling my shirt off. I jus could not straighten my back out, like all the muscles n joints in my lower back resisted n refused to get into alignment without a fight. In the shower, the pain got to the point where I couldn’t even stand hunched over anymore, I just plopped down n sat there in the water, which was better but still sucked ass. Getting back down the stairs was terrible, everything I was feeling was just intensifying. 

Told ma ba bout what was happening, slash however much I knew of what was happening, but that I needed to go to school for at least one period to meet Mr. Joe Bodanza n his polio patient flown from Vietnam (found out through a__ his name was Tuan...n on a side note, that clown found her damn phone!!!). I just wanted nothing more than to be able to be there for that one event, to meet them, that was all I wanted. The mother stuck salonpas on me n told me to wear her back band or something, which was a giant, wideass rubber band meant to hug my waist n back. So damn tight n uncomfortable. It straightened out my back for me but was making shit feel fucking worse

Goddamn I had all my clothes on, I had that much determination to get to school, but I lost it when I was doing my eyeliner in the dining room, sitting in a chair in front of the mirror cos I couldn't stand. Just that, just sitting, was so fucking painful that it broke me. I didn’t understand why I was feeling so much muddafucking stiffness in my lower back that triggered pains with every movement n in every position. I gave up then, I was literally choked up from the pain n on the verge of bawling, struggling back to my bed. Limping, standing, hunching, sitting, were all struggles. I couldn’t even imagine how I was gonna get from the door to the car, much less from the car to assembly, n from assembly to acc, where I'd sit for who knows how long. It was seriously breaking my spirit just how crippled I was by god knows what that was. 

I laid down at 7:13, flat on my back n even that was fuckin miserable. Ma told me ba already called the school, to tell them I wouldn’t be coming in, but ma reassured me that if I felt okay after laying down a few minutes, we'd see if I could make it. Deep breaths hurt. I texted y____ n n__. 7:15 n I was not feeling any better, n just wanted time to fly by to 7:25 to see how much 8 minutes could do. I open my eyes again right at 7:25 n I feel no change, couldn’t even sleep. N that was it. Told ma that I needed to stay home today. Opened my eyes one last time at 7:45, even though I'd already accepted that leaving was impossible.

I was gonna miss Mr. Joe n Tuan, the only reasons why I wanted to be at noballs today. But here I was, literally crippled in bed. I don't think I've had a day as physically miserable as today, not even the days after the walk for hunger, n that’s fucking saying a lot. Never have I felt so much torturous tightness in my back paired with crazyass cramps in my stomach n abdomen that were nauseating, made it hard to breathe, n had me wanting to full out sob from the pain. The fuck happened to me today...

One day was all they had at nobles, one day. Not even. One 40 minute block. All I wanted was to meet them, hear their inspiring stories of hope and pure warm-hearted intent and drive. I wanted to hear Mr. Joe himself talk about his commitment n dedication to Child Medical, n Tuan share his experiences as a Vietnamese victim of polio n receiver of Mr. Joe's charity. I just know they're amazing people, n I wanted this rare opportunity to personally connect with them so damn badly. What an honor n privilege it woulda been to be able to shake their hands, listen to their words, n just be in their presence. My god, it's been a very long time since ive wanted to go to noballs so damn bad.

The worst part, is realizing now that maybe I could’ve swallowed a couple of pills to make the pain bearable, then gotten to meet them n gotten through my school day. But fuck, why didn’t I think of that sooner? Ma ba didn’t even suggest it, but I don’t really blame them. We don’t have anything in the house but I coulda so easily picked something up on the way to school. Dammit I'm stupid. Maybe I woulda thought of that in the moment if I wasn't always stubborn n habitually took more meds.

The next time I woke up was 11 or so, n already all of the intense shit was just gone. Like it had come, done its shitty job, n passed. There was still mad tightness, but it was jus a lil worse than the usual shit I feel on most mornings. N now, after a whole day, im basically back to normal, even though I do still feel some of it. Like whattttt the hell was that?!?!

Ma told me this happened before, years ago. Just as randomly as it had to me this morning. Ma was reaching for something n all of a sudden, ma's whole body went stiff n tight, n took days to recover. Ma said that ever since that first time, her body's never been the same, n neither would mine.

:(

Hurt like a mofo. Beyond even my pain tolerance. I still cant believe all that I felt was real. I was jus fucked over so damn bad.

Fuck being limited by my health. 

Fuck letting my body kick my will power's ass.

Fuck it.

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