Sunday, August 28, 2011

Thursday Night

Dear Father,

Shit hasn't been the same since thursday night. 

On the phone at 8, i know i said, "just please pick me up from a  's at 9." She n her fam had offered me a ride since you weren't getting back to me before i tried calling. On the phone, you had said you were just leaving the house, aka not in your car yet, n since her house is 15 min away from home versus the school being 30 min away, i thought it was more considerate of your time, energy, n commute to go with a   and just get home an hour later. On the phone, you agreed to all that was said, confirmed that you would pick me up from a  's at 9.

My phone died a little after the call, but i didn't worry because, from my end, everything was clear, planned out.

A  's ride came at 8:30, we were back at 8:40. As we're pulling into their driveway, i spot your car, your license plate, n started wondering why you were so early. N at the same moment, i knew something was wrong, i could feel that much. 

I thanked a   n her fam real quick, constantly glancing over n seeing you get out to pace around the car... what the fuck? So i rush out their driveway n jump into shotgun, n you fucking went off on me. Before i'd even shut my door.

It's been years since you've (soberly) shouted at me, for 10 minutes straight. There was nothing i could say to defend myself or sort out the miscommunication, you just weren't havin it. N over the years, i've given up ever speaking out, making my perspective known, calling you out on your flaws, because i respect you n the mother enough to take all of both of your blunts even when i'm not the cause. I listen even when you won't do the same for me. I stay submissive n lay down my pride before you. 

You'd been waiting outside a  's house since around 8:10, n you were pissed at me for not making plans clear, for not calling you again. You watched a  's mom drive out, but stayed there and waited because you suddenly had no idea what the plans were. Told me i didn't understand how uncomfortable it is to wait outside people's homes at night. Told me that if i wanted to ask other people for favors, i better make sure everything's clear. Told me i wasted your time because i never consider anyone but myself. Asked me (without hearing out my answer) why i didn't go out and look for a phone to contact you. Told me that if i cared about people other than myself, i would've found a way to call you. Told me i wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. Told me this happened because i was stupid. 

More shouting about how inconsiderate n selfish i am. N even more about how pissed off you were. Madd repetition.

How was i supposed to know that there was some miscommunication? Or that my intentions backfired n came back biting me in the ass? I was apologizing, n even then you'd cut me off.

The way you were shouting at me from behind the wheel, had me on the edge of my seat, holding my arms, n tryna collapse into myself n just disappear or some shit. It would've been appropriate if you slapped me. Or even more if we had crashed considering how recklessly you were driving on the dark roads. Your swerves and your rage were fucking terrifying, n honestly made me nauseous. I don't think i've ever seen your eyes so clearly in such low lighting.

Last 5 minutes of the ride were fuming silence. I had my hand inside my bag clutching my spare key, n i got out the car n let myself in soon as you'd changed gears to park. Before getting out, i said, "thank you."

Stayed in my room til you were asleep, as badly as i needed food n to pee. But hearing you yell even more about me to the mother was all i needed to lose my hunger.

The morning after, you called me while i was home and told me to turn on your computer for you so it'd be ready when you got home. I knew you wouldn't mention the night before.

On saturday, my cousin was home n she wanted to go out, so you handed me 2 fifties n told me take it n go shopping n pay for everything she wanted. I didn't want it but you insisted i take it n just give you the change later.

You've never handed me $100 before. 

I know this is your apology. 

She's 25 with a stable income, so she had plenty of her own money, n of course i had my stash of lunar new year envelopes. I used that to buy her some gifts n snacks since she covered lunch.

You're speaking normally to me again, n i'm trying to, too. But i shudder slightly every time i hear you address me, n i don't have the right words to say to you right now, not even light conversational things. My guard's up whenever you're home. I'm uncomfortable being in a room alone with you. I think everything about me is a burden to you now, especially since the mother unloaded some more shit on me, too, backing up everything you said thursday night. 

You took grands from me to play with your stocks. The mother took hundreds from me to buy pearls. Most of my money from this summer and half of it from last, tucked away in a savings account under both of your names. Savings account my ass. You refuse to show me bank statements. And the money from summer '09? You two blew it all. The fuck was i thinking handing my paychecks over to you two this summer? Last year, I had it under control til the mother found out in august
n took all my remaining cash. Used some, deposited the rest. Even after that, why did i still give them to you n her?

I got two checks left in my possession, n tomorrow i'm opening a fucking checking account so that i won't have to go through you to fill my wallet with bills, even though those bills are money i already earned. I know this some kiddy shit, but it's bouta be my first step towards financial independence from you. I never even wanted rides from you or the mother, i fucking insisted on making my own way home. But ever since the mother yelled at me last month for taking the t, for riding with friends who have cars, for worrying you two, for not appreciating enough to accept your rides, for not letting you two be my parents and ensure that i'm safe, for making you look like the bad guys... It felt more like i was doing you two a favor the way i was chaining myself to your schedules. N then i feel like a whiny, privileged little bitch for not wanting these rides, for not wanting you to go out of your way for a capable 16 year old; the guilt and self-doubt is smothering. 

I don't know how to be considerate of you. I don't know how to please you two, my own parents. 

But just so you know, Father, your 2 fifty dollar bills are on your desk. There's your change.

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