Friday, August 26, 2011

Only 3 Months Ago

I am a stickie note hoarder, and im happy that i am. 

So when i was going thru all of the ones id forgotten, i found some that were basically journal entries about him, and it was dumbfounding to realize in what ways ive changed since may, since this summer happened. It felt something like reading a letter from a lost close one; the voice is so familiar and shit, but you know it doesnt hold the same presence anymore.

(only thing i edited out were names)

"its been over 9 months since ive seen you. 9 months since i talked to you and hugged you and could feel you outside of memories and daydreams. it was august 20, the day after the afh summer bash, and we were eating cake and cupcakes and talking about animals and shelters. i remember you left early, to go home for lunch, n den came back in the pm to get ready for your live painting job that night. i remember talking about dinner at q    's, set for the following week. i remember that you were the one to bring it up, cos i had started talking about how i wouldnt see you again for a long time. and to know that you had the next time wed meet in mind made me... feel hopeful. just sucks to be right though. sucks that i didnt hug you longer when i could. i didnt wanna make h       wait too long though, he wanted to go home so bad cos there werent many people he cared about there at the time. 

in the six solid weeks i got to spend with you, we only hugged twice. the first, as i was bout to leave the end o summer bash. c        was in a rush to get us all, n  , me n herself, home but i had to see you, cos i was scared i wouldnt see you again anytime soon. n i had spent all of the past few days working up the nerve to jus approach you and wrap my arms around you. days i spent thinking about how i would do it. i was so fuckin determined to make it happen, to make it perfect, n i was damn nervous too. i made my way to the back alone, the gallery was clearing by that time, but the graffers were still going with jus the light of the kitchen and a few overhead bulbs. your older brother and his girlfriend were watching the breakers as i walked by. 

a    n you were collabing, but he was standing back near the door outside, chilling. n i cant forget how adorable you were, tryna teach your younger brother to hold the can n spray some off to the side of the canvas. n then he was either standing right next to you or hanging on your back as you did your thing. your dad was there too, with a video camera in his hand. i thought about how you had told me your relationship with your parents wasnt good, how they didnt like you going around graffing. yet here was your dad, talking to somebody about you, about how talented you are. n your little brother had the cutest tiny glasses.

earlier in the process, when it was still light out, i remember you and a    wearing masks, but it mustve gotten hot or you stopped caring about that safety shit. i was just standing next to a   , debating whether or not i should go up to you. you were busy and i didnt want to interrupt that, n i almost gave up n left yenno! but then you took a break, turned around and saw me, asked, "are you leaving k  ?" n i told you, "yeah. bye d    !" n jus dove right in for it, went for that hug that id been waiting for, that id wanted so bad, n it was perfect. my arms went around your neck, so you gently held my waist, n i remember how small n nice you felt, it was lovely. but to be honest, my memorys fuzzy, so exactly what was said i cant remember, that makes me sad. but i recall perfectly what your body felt like. i remember with such clarity the feeling, the happiness n cloud 9 high. i remember thinking, i hope i smell good n not sweaty n gross. i thought about how you had told me i looked nice earlier in the day. i was in my romper, u in your b1 example tee n striped shorts

i embrace my intuition and emotions and energy and silence. so when it comes to hugs, i believe they express the soundless dynamic between two individuals. you n me, that night, the cooling summer n voices around us, that was possibly my all time favorite hug.

even though there had been times when i felt boring and awkward to you, when neither of us really had much to say, when i thought you were plain uninterested and wanted no part of me, even though there had been those times, everything, n ive never been more honest, about us hugging felt so natural. 

and the second time, was the last moment that i saw you. damn you for only being in my dreams since then. damn you for never showing up for veggie dumplings. damn you, for effortlessly making me fall for you.

that night after q    's, and for the few days after, i was hella upset. i felt dumb for expecting you to show up. really, how dumb am i for thinking youd wanna see me badly enough to come to somerville? g     , who didnt show up either, told me you were busy packing up for college. n thats when i stopped frontin wit myself, n really let the doubts n reality sink in, take root. you had to put your future before anyone, no shit. i will always respect that. i just wish that i could be a part of that future, even in a tiny way. i just wish that i could know what youve been up to these past 9 months, see what youve been wearing or if youve grown or what youve painted, made, filmed, anything. im just so desperate to know something, anything. i wish we had exchanged numbers, started texting. my regrets wish for a lot of things, always. 

there hasnt been a day since august 20, 2010 where i havent thought about you.. youre in every 11:11 wish, memories of you come up all the time, im always visiting your unchanging tumblr of artwork, checking to see if you reactivated your facebook, passing your contact in my phone which you dont know i have... the last one doesnt sound right, i know, but you were there reading it out to me n g      when i got it. n i never used it. ever. n u never asked for my number, n i never thought about giving it when i shouldve. 

i miss you. fuck, i miss you. n this was all just senseless typing n rambling. cos what do i know about love? what does it matter that i care for you if you dont know it or dont feel the same? why am i like this if you probably havent thought of me more than twice since we last saw each other? honestly, i feel so dumb sometimes, so childish for clinging to some hope, if there is any, of a dream relationship with you. its ridiculous to be as sprung as i am. it just doesnt make sense...

but maybe thats ok. maybe its ok to just do me n feel what i feel, n embrace it. cos honestly, i might not know what to do with myself if i stopped waiting, n hoping.. 

9 months. thats a complete pregnancy ahahah.." 

I used to write some daaaamn cute shit. 

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