Friday, December 21, 2012

Houston 2012

These have been wonderfully strange and strangely wonderful days.

Most moments...they don't even feel real. Just floaty.

We are all* in transitions, so it's thrilling to wonder about how all these paths will simultaneously unravel. 

(*almost all!)

Awesome is unreal. She puts every dog I've ever known, and probably will ever know, to shame. ♥ The girl jumps through hoops...literally. Like goddamn.

I'm feeling so much, and yet I can't seem to express these sentiments. I fumble with my phrases in conversation, tongue-tied, depend on backspaces and ink messes while waiting for my truths in words to finally arrive. There are ways to convey all the restless things inside me...I just haven't come across the lines that do these feelings justice, that make me re-feel this fuzziness when I read them to myself. 

Momma is not doing well. Momma is sad and still feeling ill. 

(I'm responsible.)

Momma also hates Awesome...

Awesome is an epic name.

Houston is kindness,
Her people warmer than suns.
Why am I so mean?

Eyes that see my soul
Her loyalty amazes
Slobbery type love

Loose Vietnamese men
Blame it on the alcohol
Karaoke night

These haikus are great
This shit goes straight to the heart
(Truth: these are poopy.)

I wrote on Wednesday (12/19/12) at 5:09 am,

"Not even 10 hours ago, I received the first college admission that elicited an emotional response beyond lightly disturbed numbness. Today, I felt for the first time as if my future had been revealed and/or determined (I'm not sure could've been either). I felt for the first time that I had received an affirmation from the Universe. I felt for the first time the promise of exponential growth. Every ounce of myself that I had poured into this process at once ceased to feel as if it were all for naught--I finally could know something, hold something, show something for all these months and years of personal toil. Acceptance into NYU may not have solved my every problem in this world, may not have lifted every ounce of sadness I carry, but it has given me some lightness--lightness in anchorage. Now with a sense of stability and certainty in my future, an anchor, I feel as if I can float a little farther, float a little longer, float a little more worry-free. There's now one less trouble to deal with, and yet there are now so many more.

This is such a distinct sense of achievement that I'm really struggling to put into words. I feel Ba's warmth, but Ma's been asleep pretty much the whole night. I won't forget the electricity I felt at BonChon and Grant, Andrew, Bryan, and Y-Binh's excitement for me when I read the email on Y-binh's iphone...nor will I forget Ma's outward apathy and suppressed disappointment. Nor the feeling of content so quickly killed by nausea after seeing the financial aid statement. But Ba told me, Con will make it worth it, and dismissed the numbers as completely reasonable, telling me the opportunity was too good to pass up. To be honest, I don't know if I'm under-appreciating and over-stressing the financial deal I have by making comparisons, but I just know where I will be 9 months from now (not with a baby, I would hope...). And I do know for damn sure that I will pay my entire way through college, giving back every dollar Ma, Ba will initially help me with as soon as I graduate and make bank. I have 5 months left in high school, and I will bust my ass on shittons of scholarship apps, grinding just as hard if not harder than I have been. Senioritis is dead to me. One day of it was enough of a taste. I've the faintest belief in the future now, and just that faint belief is enough to push me to grind grind grind in preparation for my coming chapter.

I think this is 'happy', but there is still so much guilty and sad and heavy.

All this is so strange and humbling and warm and worrisome and liberating and stabilizing and...wonderful. I'm simply so blessed to have all the chances that I have, all the resources that I can use, all the people that I know, all the family that I love. Life is kind, and yet so very sick and dark."

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