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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Right Now #4

im damn exhausted, but happy :) i always leave work happy, even when im missing people, even though the studios changing. i walked into a room full of mostly new kids i didnt really know, n the place was silent minus the speakers...weird as hell! n most of the kids were all spread out, not interacting wit each other while they painted or cleaned up. i miss the lovey dovey-ness of summer friendships. its always interesting to have eyes be on me when i walk around, hug/wrestle people, n have convos, cos i always wonder what it is thas peakin their curiosity. was it tha it was obvious i was familiar wit mad people, tha my pants were bright red, something i said, something said to me? wish it was easier for me to be a good stranger. n by tha i mean i wish i was more social, more comfy wit approaching people i dont know n saying all the right words tha would make them open up.


one asian id never seen before was maddd steezy, like damnnnn! bigass gray beanie, white tee, light jeans, white kicks. flawless skin. nice eyes. he walked by my easle a few times, n i saw his head turn back around to peep my piece. wonder what he thought. maddd cute face! s       group, so maybe well start talking sometime, but im not around much. no hopes are up, he was jus the finest id seen in a while


a few guys tha walked around were a lil awkward wit me lol. like theyd walk by me in slow motion as i was painting so id look up, wed make full on eye contact, id smile, n then theyd keep walking... is it damn hard to acknowledge back with some kinda facial contortion? im not asking u to smile for me. jus fuckin twitch your face or some shit so tha i know you had some reaction to me. dont gimme them stony faces, please!


fuckin laaaaahve t     n j     ! too damn silly workin next to em, eating bananas n chips n listening to their crazyass stories n dude talk. mad funny how they talk bout errrrrrthing n know tha im listening but dont mind. they always check up on me  like every few minutes between convos, theyll jus scream my name or poke me or say somethin bout my painting. theyre gonna make me their graff apprentice too, but not havin skypes an issue/idk if i got time to take anythin on. :(


t: yoooo im bouta go see paranormal activity 3!
j n me: WAAAAT!!
j: take me witchuuu!
t: naaahhh! im meeting up wit a girl...
j: oh. den ima third-wheel on you...
me: uhhhh j     ....dont do it...
t: yeah...NO! 
j: fuck you! yo kim, come wit meeee!
me: yeah...NO!





s      , t    , j     , s   , r  , n m     were all digging my painting, saying tha im damn close to done, but they gotta be shittinnn me! t     even went as far as sayin mine was better than his, tha he didnt even like his...yeah, fuck tha! i know they all dont lie when it comes to criticism, n everythin else they said was helpful, but its always hard for me to take kind words. im mad critical, but ill always see the goodness in all works except my own. takes a lot for me to be happy wit a piece, n a lot more for me to believe compliments before i am. its much needed support though, n i always appreciate it. i jus cant help but feel so undeserving of it all. 


when t     talks about his dreams of being an art teacher, i love the way he gets all sentimental 


i know im blessed, every minute. but its hard to always remember. thas why days like these keep me grounded.


but noballs mostly makes me miserable.


problems:
1) i make myself unapproachable, not always intentionally
2) im judgemental n unfriendly n terrible as fuck some days. i want to love people, but those days i feel incapable of it
3) i get lonely a lot, but i dont know if being with more people i dont honestly care for n vice versa is right 
4) making friends at noballs is hard
5) miss seniors '10 much more than i ever imagined i would, especially j    !
6) everyday, i feel guilty for being there cos the truth is tha a thousand individuals desire n deserve my spot a thousand times more than i do. 
7) after 5 years, im still not happy to be there. if anything, i feel even less happy. then i feel guilty again. i dont deserve this, in both senses: i am unworthy of the resources n i am worthy of a better suited environment n more stable happiness. 


were so cozy wit each other, even though its nothing more than the two of us being accepting of our mutually affectionate nature. when you were lying on top of me n crushing my hips in a kinda comfy way, i wondered if ms. w       was uncomfortable hahahah! n its funny cos m    asked me today if anything was going on...i said nope, so she was like, "yeah i didn't think so but it was questionable! then again, i cant even talk cos thas basically the same thing as me n blah blah! jus wanted to confirm tha cos blah blah blah asked the same thing when we walked by n saw you two!" made me realize afh forreal shapes so much of me, of everyone. cos there, no one assumes people are a couple jus cos of pda...its jus how friends work! we dont keep any love inside :) at most other places, like noballs, those lil interactions get people jumping to conclusions real quick, when wed all be much happier people if we jus broke the social norms of platonic relationships.


still, i wish he would play wit my hands wit the intent of commitment. i truly appreciate the warmth of bodies on mine, but the feeling never lingers long in my mind if the emotions arent there. 


i miss late night phone calls from across the country, n hearing tha you were happier talking to me than clubbing wit your biddies. goddamn your sweet nothings tha run through my head from time to time. 


got thai iced tea n banh mi, n remembered how your favorite is beef.


i wish you were happier with your relationship. its like some new shit comes up every week; a miscommunication this time, an accusation later. moments of doubt tha get you wondering why youre still dealing wit this all. never leaving cos you love him too much, too much to stop subjecting yourself to his ingratitude. i wonder if you love him more than yourself. i think you do, even though you answer tha you dont know. i wish i hadnt cancelled our dinner plans, so you wouldnt be alone all night. i was feelin too tired to say i was down for it. sorry but i jus hadda be selfish for the night.


im really happy tha you had a good time tonight, cos i worry tha youve been feelin slump-y lately. keep ya head up n get someeeee girlie!


the mothers so damn proud of her nails, as ashamed as she is of her wrinkly hands. ive always thought they were lovely though. reminds me of tha really nice short story tha was on the psat.


d    keeps wishing she could go back to st. marys. i keep wishing i could afford her tuition for her n her lil bro.


worried as fuck cos the deadline you first told me was friday, but in actuality, its fucking tuesday. fucking damn.


my grades are bouta be shit, n they legit matter this year. maybe seeing em forreal will make me care about academics more. its hard to have values but lack focus and emotional commitment to to them. youre being a fucktard, k  .


c   h   s too patient  needa appreciate tha more.


i remember being in your very shoes, n still feel the influences of those days. i remember being so eager to get out, to get to "there" simply cos it would always be better than "here". our hopes exist only to paint expectations in dim light. reality aside, we invest ourselves in the unproven n things not promised for the relief tha no one can give or take from us. nothing around matters, jus tha fleeting sense of invincibility... jus dont grow up too fast, babe. i know its hard though, caught up in the situations tha you are. it was sweet to read your personal essays


falling in love wit arnold schwarzenneger  kindergarten cop is the shizzzz


last night was nice, forreal :) im happy tha i went, n tha the people were good even if we werent close. it was mad fun jus chillin! m    n his band made me damn jealous too, made me wish i had tha type of tightass friend group tha bonds over shared talent!


m     is soooo fuckin hilarious! i was standing outside alone drinking water from a cup n texting cos i didnt have reception inside. then he jus comes up from behind me n asks, "k  , are you okay???" n i turn around n im like, oh, yeah, im fine, wassup? n he goes, "oh, i jus got worried bout you cos i saw you from inside n all i could tell was tha you were drinking something from a weird little cup! its jus water, not alcohol or anything right?? sorry i jus wanted to make sure you were okay!" LOL! we started dyingggg for a few minutes! but forreal, hes too fuckin adorable, the way he openly cares for everyone whether hes tight wit them or not! tooooo funny n sweet! he forreal could notttt be any nicer. i jus wish he could get tha girl of his dreams! he deserves her :) it always sucks to watch such good-hearted people struggle with loving so easily n then bearing rejection. he jus hasnt chosen the right person for him, happens to all of us all the time. but like they say, there are no mistakes, only lessons. 


im amped bout my concentration ideas :)


i love you again. all it took was remembering tha your last mistake doesnt define who you are, its who youve been all along tha does. n tha was always more than enough for me.


dont you dare make me a friend of convenience. then again, maybe thas all im worth if its exactly what im aiming to do to some around me... this is high school. fuck over-thinking n sensibility. 


i see now why i cant love who you are... but tha doesnt seem to matter to you anyway, so its whatever. 


"it aint right to write a bad love song..."
"hearts up for breaking is some way to say, i love you..."
blood of my heart - power struggle x denizen kane x big drew


"be deeply in love, but that is still not enough." - xuan dieu


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