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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Right Now #6

Every day of this week has been worse than the one before, and I just feel so ungrateful when I'm this unhappy.

Lately, every other conversation with Chi Hien leaves me feeling sick. I physically feel the burden in the pit of my stomach. I don't fucking know what I want right now, and it's pathetic how apathetic I get when I'm not grounded and anchor-less. I was committed to my decision--momentarily, I was even content with myself. Then, she feels the need to assert her opinions with her evidently condescending tonal inflections, and literally each syllable from her lips becomes a headache of its own, to the point where I don't care what about what we're talking about anymore--I just need the criticizing to stop. It's just so unpleasant to listen to her attempts to persuade me to go her way because she completely demeans the decisions I make. She may have 11 years on me, she may be my sister, and she may have a perspective that's from the outside, but she does not fucking know neither who I am nor every detail of my circumstance. But I guess, it's fine. I've gotten used to her making me feel incompetent, and I've gotten used to crying. She has no idea the stress she puts on me.

I've lost count of the times I've silently sat before the shrine.

It didn't take long for me to change my mind. I was too tired to put up a fight. It felt like cheating myself of a good thing and like she had "won," but there are no fucking prizes and cheating in this case is only relative. Something so good shouldn't have felt so difficult, and even if the way she made her case was fucking rude, her words had some legitimacy.

I texted J to let her know I wouldn't be coming: "I feel like shit...my sister's trying to convince me not to go, and she's doing a good job of it."

All I wanted in the moment was support, but what I got was, "No offense but you're screwing me over right now." 

I fucking apologize (even if I didn't actually care or agree with her), but she keeps going off on me.


Like bitch, I never asked you to plan your weekend around me. I told you to fucking go with your own plans and go home. You have no idea what's happening in my life, and here you are only worrying about yourself. It kills a little when I realize I got involved with shit-friends like her. I'm not into holding grudges, but I don't forget the apologies I feel I deserved and never received.

Right after the test this morning, he pulled me aside to talk about the program and my decision to not go (I had emailed my counselor as soon as I'd made up my mind, who then forwarded my message to him). He tells me, "I'm not you. I'm not in your head, and I don't know what's happening in your life. But not going to me and to Ms. H looks like a forgone opportunity. We really care about you, we know how much financial aid is an issue. Maybe you don't feel like it's the right school for you, and maybe we don't know you the way you know yourself, but we know a thing or two about this process. We know how this might hurt your chances later on."

I tried to explain, I really did. But I choked. Everything was pent up and my levees were breaking but I wasn't ready for them to. All I could tell him was that the time away didn't feel worth the cost, and that things at home right now make it hard for me to leave. He was so understanding, saying that that was why he started the conversation the way he did. He knew that he couldn't understand everything, but he told me that if I was willing to share with either him or Ms. H, they would speak to admissions for me. He wanted so badly for me to change my mind, and even wanted to speak to Ma, Ba about it (which is the last thing they need).

I was a fucking mess. He wanted me to stay inside the classroom and just calm down before leaving, but I just needed to get out and told him I couldn't be late. His last words in the conversation were, "Kim, don't go to New York this weekend to please me or Ms. H. We care a whole lot, but the decision you ultimately make is not for our benefit."

For four minutes in the upstairs bathroom, no one could see or hear me.

I ignored her calls, but she called Ma during dinner to get to me. I didn't want my food anymore. I told Chi Hien I wasn't going and that I was not going to explain right then and there why. She was clearly happy with the news, saying that she definitely thought this was the best for me. But why did it feel more like a defeat than an affirmation?

We chatted for half an hour...Or, more like I listened to her updates, laughed when appropriate, and pretended to not taste the bitterness on my tongue.

My friend texted me a pic of a cross made from two blunts. He goes to a Jesuit school, ha.

N told Q how I was fired, and apparently he said, "Their loss. She's a smart girl, and she's gonna be fine. Any job she applies to will take her." 

I miss them.

E asked me if I was still working out, and I told her not until next week. Why? "Oh, you just look really good, that's all."

Completely unintended: I dropped 4 pounds in the last 4 days.

When "Dr. Brain" told the story of her nephew finally getting the selectively mute little boy to talk, I fucking cried fat tears right in my seat (but no one noticed). It took me back to days in the studio with Nick, reminding me of the complete shock and joy every staffer experienced whenever he whispered. 

I miss feeling sure of a purpose. Right now, I am too tired to even be myself and don't have  energy left to care about what happens next, not that the future really exists anyway. I'm just here, crumbling.

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