New Year, Old Habits! Pt. 1

Happy 2k12, loves! 


Aaahh, 2011 was just sucha trip... It's weird as fuck to me how so much time, so many events, flew by. I know I say that every year, but everything does forreal hit me at the end and beginning of measured cycles. Been working at a handwritten letter that basically wraps up 2011, but I'm 3 days into the year with so many thoughts to goooo


So far, this year, emotionally, is a hell lot like last, despite some significant progress slash happenings. I also just sound stupid cos last year refers to my past self from only four days ago! And I haven't even written out resolutions yet, but somehow I already feel like I'm breaking em... I'm not making sense and not going in order


2011


It was damn lovely to grab korean chicken, froyo, boba, slash fatass around till the sun went downnnn with P_____, S____, n D____! It was a sweet reunion, n seriously ended my year on a high note :) we had maaad good conversation n moments, from chick talk plus D_ n his only semi-manly perspective, relationshit biz, gossip across schools (trippy as shiettt!), getting old n reminiscing, me n P_ tryna break up S_ n D_'s heated fights, free food n wondering if the old ice cream dude was tryna hollaaaaa, me being the last one eating n the only one not full n in pain, tumblr debating/explanations, to eyeing cuties n tryna work out hookups through each other hahahah! It's mad hard to introduce n share friends sometimes though!


S_ - can't even say how much she has or hasn't changed... I like her, she's nice, but I don't know if we were really vibing. It was just one of those things where it's hard to connect after so long when you don't have much commonality. She's super awks too, which makes things harder. We were cool, just not close. She'd say/do some odd ish though. And Ducky told me later how pissed he was at her.


P_'s just maaaaad dope! One of the chillest girls I know with a clear perspective on people n social ishhh. I know that we could talk for hours with substance yenno? Especially after she called me a few weekends ago while I was at N__'s! Hadn't talked in a minuteeee so I was on the phone for a bit, to the point that T__ stuck his head in, looked at me, then left all in one second...(the fuck?!) But yeahhh I'm lucky to have known her since foreverrrr, but I just wish we had more chances to kick it! Wish we were closer too, so I'm gonna def make more of a conscious effort this year


 D_ - I love him n Anh C____ n their ong noi n ba noi!! They're all too funny n cute! And me n D_'s train ride home was straight preshhhh. He told me about how S_ basically ruined his relationship with this girl who's S_'s bestie. It's pretty fucked up n sad. Ducky still carries the love letter she wrote him for Valentine's Day, n it's just so ridickkkkuously sweet n gushy... n the fact that he's been carrying it in his wallet since their breakup... the loose leaf sheet is fuzzy n so worn... then he showed me the breakup message she wrote him, through facebook. Yahh, she broke up with him through facebook. It's just all so ridick, how he's liked her for almost 2 years now, n how he so strongly believes that the feelings in her letter still stand true but that circumstances fucked their chances up... It made me think of him, even if we were never together, even if he never wrote me any letter. Goodnizzz, all I've got is love for D_, poor buddy. I was so touched that he was sharing that all with me. We go waaaay back, n no length of time of no chats n no visits changes that. I forreal love that we're the childhood, bro-sis friends who can chill after a forever apart, n have nothin but trust n honesty. I wish him only the best cos I feel where he's coming from.


And in those moments, where everything slowed down inside a bullet speeding through the underground, it hit me how very old our feelings seemed to be, despite our lack of years. But we are growing up, and these suddenly aren't the days of being content together with so little anymore. We crave more, we crave people, we crave love. Or at least our ideas of it. And all this age n emotions ish reminded me of Chi T____ once saying, Love is too intense a feeling for teenagers. It fuels long-term decisions on temporary emotions. But who's to ever say how long you'll stay feeling? 


Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I haven't been crushed n smothered enough times. Maybe I've watched too many happy endings. Maybe I'm too stubborn to stop hoping. Maybe I'm too stupid n insecure to let go.


(Universe willing, I've shitloads of time ahead for breakdowns, rebuilding, n growth.)


Whatever the case, I'll shamelessly, unapologetically, do me. 

♥

Surprises All Around

I needa jus fucking dump about last Friday night…

It’s not as fresh in my mind anymore, but still clear. N I've less emotions in the way of the truth, so words are flowing to me a lil easier too.

Basically, I went into the night with such high hopes for all the best outcomes of a situation I thought had such potential. I wasn’t about to homewreck, but I wanted to be friendly to T__ n just reciprocate whatever he put out for me, and if history repeats itself, then he'd be extremely  sweet, affectionate, allover me. I wanted that. I wanted just that. And in my fucked up lil head I justified that if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be homewrecking cos it meant he didn’t have genuine, deep feelings for the girl in the first place, n that he was coming onto me n not the other way around. I did want to tell him though, to just tell him straight up that I did have feelings for him, but that I understood he had already “moved on.” Woulda said that I just thought he deserved to know…but watta bitch move right? Why would anyone do such a shitty thing, to acknowledge someones progress but try to pull em back. Then again, it wouldn’t have mattered cos he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore, right?

(Y____ calls me huffy for all this lol.)

Uugh. I feel stupid just thinking about this ish.

Best case scenario that I kept hoping for, was so pathetically confident about, was that T__ n I would spend a lot of the night together, just enjoying each other’s company n being at least half-honest about what feelings were or were not there. That’s it. I’m a stupid lil hoe, for wanting him to just miss me and realize that she's not good for him. It's just so fuckin selfish of me to want him now, regardless of the situation…if I didn’t already know about the girl, then in my defense, he initiated everything, gave me the signs that it would be okay to want to be with him. I keep thinking about the way he was to me just over a month ago when I was there, n about all the things he said to N__ like if I wanted to start over, or why she didn’t tell him I slept alone so that he could sleep in his bed with me. All said while he was with that girl. You don’t think like that when you truly care about your significant other, n when you do, you out yourself n the fact tha they're only around to fill your loneliness…but what do I know about their intentions right? N I cant even play dumb through all this…its not right…stupid stupid stupid. Get the fuck over yourselfffff, K__.

So the reality was…everything was different.

Dammit. I just feel like such a stupid fucking cockyass bitch...

I was all nervous but excited to see him. Then, when he's finally home, he pops into the kitchen where N__ n I are, n is half-surprised, half-idgaf to see me. So I say, “Hi, T__!” to which he just says, “Oh. Hey, K__,” before heading to his room…

Yeahh that’s cool…nice to see you too...

There was just barely any emotion to his tone or his expression. He looked exhausted from work, but even more exhausted to see me…

So that was disappoint #1.

#2. Dinner

Food's ready, so I knock on his door frame to get his attention. Door's already open, he's standing around on his phone but it's not a call. “Hey, wassup,” he says, mad nonchalant, barely any eye contact or attention. I tell him dinner's ready, he says he'll be there in a minute. I turn n leave.

He comes in in his pj’s, n lifts his shirt to scratch his chest or whatever. He has a biiiig fuckin belly…not toned…at all…N__ n I are both staring like, the hell are you doing, so he just laughs n says he's itchy…

Next, the three of us, him, me, n N__, are sitting at the table together n eating. It sucked. Just maddd silence. He was damn focused on his food, n not into carrying conversations. I asked him about work, n all he really said was that it was stressful, exhausting, n that he had a month off from classes but would probably take up more shifts at Microcenter. He said the side jobs were coming in though, which meant good money. If I wanted to hear more, I would’ve had to keep asking him questions, but I wasn’t digging the vibes so I basically stopped trying, settled for silence.

N__ n I had our own talks across the table though, at times as if he wasn’t even there. Meaning I just wouldn’t look at him. N__ wasn’t digging him either cos he was insulting her cooking. When he had his head down in his food, we'd exchange looks, stares that meant we acknowledged the weirdness happening, n that it was frustrating the hell outa us.

At one point, N__ n I were joking about me being a hooker like we always do, n T__ pops up n goes, “Hey, cut that out,” or "Stop it,” something like that…n I was kinda like damn, chill your tits dude, n N__ told him it was a joke. It reminded me of how bad he felt over the summer for making the same jokes, thinking he took em too far. N that reminded me of how little he understands of my humor, my personality.

Towards the end of the dinner, there was a cute moment…he grabbed the ends of my chopsticks, looked at them, looked back at his, n then said, “I knew it. You split the chopsticks wrong.” Our pairs were mismatched, but we each had the other’s half. “I have your half, n you have my half. 1 half plus 1 half equals a whole. So together with two halves, we have a whole. Half yours, half mine.”

N then when he finished his bowl of rice, the rice I gave him, he told me, “I had just enough rice. You know me so well.”

N__ was gone by this time, so it was just me n T__ in the kitchen. He was by the sink washing dishes already, so I tried to take my time n just eat slowly enough so that he wouldn’t wait around to wash mine too, but he did…I pushed him away though so that I could, n he didn’t handle me the way he did last time. He just let me do what I wanted, kept his hands back.

I don’t know. The energy n the interactions the whole night were just different. Felt as if he was firmly creating distance between us, keeping things less than platonic. Even when I brought a piece of fluff bread inches from his mouth, he took it with his fingers instead. I know that 2 weeks earlier had been Thanksgiving n that the girls whole fam had come over to eat the food he n his mom prepared. I also know that he wants their parents to have a sitdown dinner to really meet n talk, which pissed Q__ off bcos he doesn’t believe their relationship's legitimate.

Then when Chi T_____ was on the phone with N__, she said I should go sleep with him bcos the girlfriend wasn’t there!! It was pure coincidence though! N__ hadn’t told anyone that I had feelings for him, n also said that Chi T_____ just really doesn't like the girl either from all the things the fam tells her. Literally no one but T__ likes the girl, but here he is making shit serious.

After we were out of the kitchen, T__ went to his room, shut his door, n I went to N__'s. n that was it. I didn’t see him again for the rest of my time there.

In the morning though, when I was half-awake, I laid there in N__'s room, petting sushi while watching the cracked door with blurry eyes. I could make out that T__'s bedroom n closet door were open, the light was on. I could hear him moving around, rustling clothes. So I laid there, eyes half-open, laid there hoping on the tiniest chance that he'd come in, “wake me up,” n say bye before he went to work…he didn’t.

Like I said in an email to K__, it made me so sad to see him unhappy in my presence, or not unhappy exactly, but maybe emotionless? I don’t know, I got the opposite of what I expected, just like I deserved. I wrote that I woke up sad that morning, n the morning after, n the morning after again. Yeah, earlier this week, I felt like shit. For more reasons than just this, but it had a part.

.

Then Thursday night, D____…like the fuck is happening all of a sudden? We ended up fb chatting for I think half an hour til 1:30 am, n then I reeeeeally needed sleep n pce'd. I can't deny that I was high n loopy as fuck from the minute I saw his wall post to me. Every minute that he hadn't im'ed back, I was twitchy n shaky n buzzing with joy n happiness for his every word. 

My godddd im a sucker! Sucha damn sucker for him!

But see, that’s the thing…I'm forreal unsure bout what this all means to me. I can't help but be so fuckin relieved n happy n thankful that he thought about me, but I don’t know what or how much that means for either of us. Feelings for him are still there, but much much subdued. I've taught myself to think of him less, for my own sake. Started wondering if I was forreal getting over that ish or just handling it differently. 

I crave D____'s presence, appreciate so much that we talked n hopefully will keep in better touch now that our break's are almost here n he'll be around. He even asked about getting froyoyoyo...♥ (Still, it reminds me of all the empty invites he's ever made to me...) I love that this means were friends, but I don’t know if I should still bother pursuing for much more, or if I should even burden myself with the feelings that come with that want. Even now, I can't help but see “us” as a lost cause, but stay clinging to the hope that we're not. Since day one I've held tight to that hope...since day fucking one...

Still, at least I can call him a friend, n that's more than I could have ever (realistically) asked for. It's also not something I'm willing to risk now.

I honestly do think that my feelings for T__ haven’t completely gone out the window, hahah. But my emotional depths for D____ are over a year in the making (not counting all the other years that I've known him/thought he was the shit). They exist year-round no matter how shallow at times. I just can't help but still want what I've always wished for. Feel meh?

N you know what else is crazy? That all this craycrayshit is part of my wish, the one I make with every wishbone n numerous numbers on the clock, daily.

18 months' worth of wishing...

The fuck does this all mean?

♥

Right Now #5

This week was hell, commitment-wise and emotionally. I kept jumping from the extremes of the spectrum, which are downright shitty or straightup shitting rainbows, and then back to my normal state of living zombie. Most of the times though, I'm just chilling in my zombie mode, where I don't really feel much at all (which makes me unhappy, which is technically a feeling, but I don't wanna get technical right now...). As A__ said, we're just going through the motions. I should be used to this, but instead it's killing me right now. Sometimes, I just feel so dead inside that it scares me. Scares me. And when I get like this, and look in mirrors, I laugh at how much I hate what I see. Not cos I'm hating on my face n how ugly or unattractive it is, but bcos I don't look alive. It's downright depressing to look at myself, and I'm starting to hate that it's what everyone else sees, too. It's like I'm rotting. Hahahah, I'm crazy, aren't I? :)


http://www.youtube.com/user/francisnocduh09


This cutie. Can't get over him ♥ but why's he gotta live in Alaska?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGfJ1KXjrJI


This song. Period.


When driving with ba on Friday, I pulled my first fucking hit-and-run... No idea how bad the damage to their side-view was, but it didn't sound good... Ours looks fine though. I'm going to hell, if I wasn't already. World, I am a female asian driver and deserve every stereotype you've ever made for me.


T__. I just feel so fucking stupid n unhappy, but this is everything I deserve.


He made the Dean's List, n hung the letter up on his fridge. ♥ Proud of him.


I love his slash N__'s fam so ridiculously much. Those parents break their backs like no others, but the mother's putting in her two-weeks soon. ♥ Thank goodnizz.


Friday night over at N__/Q__'s was so very fucking neededdddd! Love that woman ♥ She always makes me wanna better myself, like when we were couponing n cooking together. Girl's got maaaad skills. I gotta keep up!


We fell asleep to Glee on Netflix, plus Viet comedies that reeeeeally fuckin tested my linguistics. :( Happened again when we met the monk in Malden at Co Lan's. The terms and grammar he used were so complicated, all relating to complex topics like spirituality and recited in poetic ways slash the style of teachings. Could not for the life of me completely understand any of his stories. </3 Fuck my uncultured ass...


Burnt the first batch of cookies!!!!! Their oven was ridiculously strong n I'd never used it before... I feel so much damn shame when I create fucked up baked goods. I refused to let N__ feed any of the messed up ones to the fam! Not that the others were even perfect, since the oven flames were still so powerful they'd burn the underside of the cookies while the tops were still doughy. 


I love writing on trains ♥ not in the graffiti sense though! (Still gotta do that at some point in my life!) I mean pen-in-hand-meets-notebook-while-riding-the-orange-line writing :)


Stole mad Vietnamese music, which I listened to on my slow way home. I wonder if the strangers sitting next to me could hear it hahah. Must've thought I was such a fob ♥


On the bus ride home, a car almost crashed into us, but our driver was smart n braked in time. Then we all applauded her for saving our lives. It was a sweet thing.


The kiddies ♥ I got to see them twice this week. I love em oh so much, it hurts most days. They're the funniest lil kids I know, I swear! Makes me so happy to see them, mess with them, feed them clementines, share gushers. N Gi Bon, my god </3. She tried to thank me for coming over this past month to visit them, but choked up. She was straight crying n didn't want me to see, so she ran over to the sink to do the dishes, n said bye from there. Didn't want me or the mother to see her face, although we already knew. But there was absolutely nothing to thank me for. Back in the car, the mother laughed about Gi Bon, her sister, crying over the kids, which kinda pissed me off. I thought about it later though, and all of a sudden realized, after years of struggling to understand why she does that, that it's a mental health tactic of hers. She's always been doing that, that laughing at serious matters to make em seem trivial. I don't blame her. You do whatever you need to keep happy, n that's exactly what she does... Me though? Bawled when I got home. I think I always cry after I see the kiddies n Gi Bon, but I don't mind. It feels good to just feel something, anything.


S________ n I are becoming biddiesss, yo! We had sucha coolass, crazy heart-to-heart last night. He told me he had mad respect for me cos one time (LISTEN UP, SASSY) S_____ told me to be in dresscode, so I spat back, "Wear a bra!" N apparently he just thought that was the funniest thing ever, n still remembers that one moment even though it happened last year. I was dyingggg cos I had no memory of that ever happening! I'm so happy S_____ n I have that kind of relationship though, where we can just happily shit on each other ♥


J_____: 
yeahh
you used to be soo happy


J____. It fucking bothers me how I feel like she doesn't give a shit about me sometimes, n only focuses on herself. I try to open up n just vent for a minute, but she takes it right back to herself. I listen to sooooo much of her shit, n give her advice n encouragement n just my full attention. She can't reciprocate half of that. After your friend rants about what's making them upset, who fucking says, "Moving on... the boy I met yaddahyaddah..." Fucking kidding me..?


My expectations for people are always too high or too low. I never learn to just stop expecting.


PSAT scores... I deserve a heavy pimpslap to the face. Did not make National Merit. Helloooooo to loans, baby...


All the school work, piling up... fuck. 


I needa be on top of India trip forms... fuck. 


Somedays, I'm proud of myself for taking care of this fam's paperwork. N then other days, I wish I didn't have to. But it'd be so fucking ungrateful of me to say so.  


AFH bio to write... aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh I just wanna keep writing useless shit until my brain un-fucks itself, n then I'll get back to writing logical ish for school/work


D______ got fired..... :(


Y____'s hooooome n a changed babe! 


A__, yoooo. I need more lunches with that girllllll. I hope she had fun Saturday night, but I don't know if she went or not. J_____ didn't make it sound so good... n I messed with him about his lil scandal hahah. It's really sad though... He only did it cos he felt pressured n inexperienced, cos people kept telling him "head is head"... :( gross. He doesn't find her attractive.


H_____ told me I've been a jerk to him this whole month.... EXCUSE ME, BITCH? WTF?!?! But all good, we still just chill now n then. I'm always wishing he was more reliable 


Can't express how disappointed I was when people laughed at the HIV/AIDS stat announcement. Not fucking acceptable. Motherfuckerssssss. Things like these are what keep me from having pride for the hellhole.


B____ is fucking hilarioussssss.


Drove with the mother. It was unbearable. I'm done repeating the same mistake. I'm not driving with her again, ever, until I get my license. I was pissed n frustrated as shiet. Shoulda known that two bad drivers do not make a right.


She's been on n off my ass all week... it's makin me postal.


I broke out in hives twice this week, but N__ didn't notice when it happened at her place cos we were chillin in the dark n bout to sleep. It was a light reaction that time too. But fucking damn, it was so bad on Wednesday. Couldn't get shit done bcos my skin was burning. Everywhere.


Houston. Soon. Keep troopinnn.


Talked to A__ bout this a lil earlier this week... Been feeling hunger less n less. I feel like I should be worried, but I'm not. I like not being limited by one aspect of my health for once. It's weird, but I kinda like it. I ate a goodish amount at N__'s though. Kinda. Plus a lot of burnt cookies cos I hadda dispose of the evidence. 


My sleeplessness hasn't been this bad in a looong while. From Sunday to Thursday, I'd lay down at 1:30 am or later, just to lay awake with my eyes closed till 6:30 am. Literally. My head's just always buzzing with so much shit that does not leave my thoughts alone for a minute. I'm drifting in n out of consciousness for hours, until I have to be fully awake to start another day. My body aches, gets stiff, wakes me up from my "sleep" cos I needa shift. Pure restlessness. It's fascinatingly exhausting.


Things will get better. Always. Gotta breathe easy. 


♥

Nonsense #6

you
can hold me
as tight as you feel
keep me
close as you need
but believe me when i tell you
i aint easy to read


.


you
perceive intimacy 
as your touches against mine
but the way i see it
youve yet to even
caress my mind


.


your simple infatuation
dont fit with my 
irreparable complication
i
am too much
for you
to love


♥

Picking Up the Pieces

Last night I found myself an emotional wreck. It'd been a long day, another morning after a sleepless night kind of day. The ones that make me believe I was born to die young just to resurrect as a zombie. Just kept trucking along, although mentally n physically spent. J_____ finally read the text I sent him at 2 am, n asked me how the hell I stayed awake all day, n said that I didn't even look tired hahah. It's only cos everyone's grown so used to the brain-dead, emotionally fucked me, that there's no basis for comparison. At school, that's the only face, only side I have, n I find it hard to give enough fucks about being happy there to change.


Got home late, cos papa dearest told me not to get on the bus, that he was coming to pick me up...He didn't mention he'd get there at 6:30 though, when I could've made my own way n been home by 6.


Helped with dinner, sat down to eat just the mother n I, n that's when the newest sad stories n the tears broke out. Gi bon can't stop crying lately over her practically parent-less grandkids, always going to the bathroom or her bedroom where they won't see or hear her. Chi h___ isn't holding up so well either, always away from her kids 4 or 5 days of the week. She calls the mother to sob n vent constantly, all through the week, to get off her chest how much she misses her kids n how unbearable the hurt is. As women n as mothers, they're the ones feeling this most, but at the same time the ones most responsible for keeping up brave fronts n navigating their household through the wreck. Shit with him isn't getting better either... just last week, d___ asked him when he was coming home to live with mommy, n he told her that they weren't ever going to be together again... had d___ crying for hours.


(The bastard's decisions are still, n always will be, inexcusable. But influences n experiences that led to his fucked up frame of thought behind those decisions, are impossible to account for. Honestly, the way I see it now, everyone made mistakes along the way. It all built up, n then my cousin's were the catalyst that really fucked shit up for good.)


It's tearing at everyone's heart strings, the way these kids are caught up in a situation they're in no way at fault for. They're suffering the consequences of adults, forced to be self-taught in coping with n recovering from mistakes not of their own. The biggest influences of their lives are suddenly absent all the time, n grandparents can only substitute your parents in so many ways. Then there's the constant worry of their future, of history repeating itself, of all this messy shit leaving open wounds that last into adulthood. 


There's not enough love in their lives... think about it, how do you learn to love if your prime examples, your parents n your fam, are falling to pieces before your young eyes? I just worry so much about their emotional welfare, the kiddies' n their whole fam's. Right now, growing up the way they are, d___ n d_____ are so at risk of forming severe trust issues, low self-esteem, n angry disobedience... if they haven't already. It pisses me the fuck off to know how preventable circumstances were n are, n still see their long faces. I miss their bright eyes... no child should have to bear the heaviness that they do.


The mother goes on to talk about how d_____ isn't doing well in school cos he doesn't focus, doesn't pay attention, n disrespects the teacher. On the nights that chi h___ is home, she'll check her kids' homework n realize that d_____ isn't learning what he should be. She'll yell at him outa frustration, accomplishing nothing but a teary eyed, angry 7 year old. His disrespect's been growing more n more, but no one around has the patience to discipline him anymore. N simple parent-teacher meetings are hard as hell to schedule, since chi h___'s not home much. That's when the effect of her absence is clearest, when she feels guiltiest n most powerless. 


The mother was straight bawling into her food, it was damn depressing. So hard to sit there in front of her n listen to her sob out these details. It took all the restraint I had to not lose it n reinforce the desperation of the situation.


I just feel so fucking dumb n terrible for waiting this long to forreal get involved n help fix shit. Kept worrying that my presence in the matters as a daughter of the younger generation would only disrespect my elders, but I needa push customary shit aside n remember: this is my fucking family. N I'll go to hell before I stand by n watch my own loved ones suffer anymore, knowing damn well I have the power to improve their situation, even in the littlest ways. 


From now on, I will be there with them on the nights that their mommy's gone, for at least half an hour or however long they need me. I will check over their homework n instill better work ethics n manners. I will be there for their questions n their stories, for all the things they have no one to talk to about. I will remind them that I'm here, that I always have been n forever will be. I will love them everyday, so that they never forget.


The mother wasn't sure about the idea cos she was concerned about my workload n grades, but fuck that shit. All it took was a minute for her to realize that family came first.


When our plan was decided, she went off to call chi h___ to let her know wassup, all excited to tell her our good news. So I cleaned my dishes, went up to the living room, closed the door... n fucking violently cried, cried myself back to composure. Holy shit... 


After I looked okay again, ba came up with a thick envelope from vietnam in hand, n asked me to guess what was inside. I didn't have many ideas except maybe a card or letter... but he just kept shaking his head n smiling mad goofy as he knifed the mail to pull out a nice card, open it, n reveal...........


Toothpicks.


He asked my aunt to air mail him bamboo toothpicks from across the world.


We laughed for 5 min straight.


♥

Right Now #4

im damn exhausted, but happy :) i always leave work happy, even when im missing people, even though the studios changing. i walked into a room full of mostly new kids i didnt really know, n the place was silent minus the speakers...weird as hell! n most of the kids were all spread out, not interacting wit each other while they painted or cleaned up. i miss the lovey dovey-ness of summer friendships. its always interesting to have eyes be on me when i walk around, hug/wrestle people, n have convos, cos i always wonder what it is thas peakin their curiosity. was it tha it was obvious i was familiar wit mad people, tha my pants were bright red, something i said, something said to me? wish it was easier for me to be a good stranger. n by tha i mean i wish i was more social, more comfy wit approaching people i dont know n saying all the right words tha would make them open up.


one asian id never seen before was maddd steezy, like damnnnn! bigass gray beanie, white tee, light jeans, white kicks. flawless skin. nice eyes. he walked by my easle a few times, n i saw his head turn back around to peep my piece. wonder what he thought. maddd cute face! s       group, so maybe well start talking sometime, but im not around much. no hopes are up, he was jus the finest id seen in a while


a few guys tha walked around were a lil awkward wit me lol. like theyd walk by me in slow motion as i was painting so id look up, wed make full on eye contact, id smile, n then theyd keep walking... is it damn hard to acknowledge back with some kinda facial contortion? im not asking u to smile for me. jus fuckin twitch your face or some shit so tha i know you had some reaction to me. dont gimme them stony faces, please!


fuckin laaaaahve t     n j     ! too damn silly workin next to em, eating bananas n chips n listening to their crazyass stories n dude talk. mad funny how they talk bout errrrrrthing n know tha im listening but dont mind. they always check up on me ♥ like every few minutes between convos, theyll jus scream my name or poke me or say somethin bout my painting. theyre gonna make me their graff apprentice too, but not havin skypes an issue/idk if i got time to take anythin on. :(


t: yoooo im bouta go see paranormal activity 3!

j n me: WAAAAT!!

j: take me witchuuu!

t: naaahhh! im meeting up wit a girl...

j: oh. den ima third-wheel on you...

me: uhhhh j     ....dont do it...

t: yeah...NO! 

j: fuck you! yo kim, come wit meeee!

me: yeah...NO!


♥


s      , t    , j     , s   , r  , n m     were all digging my painting, saying tha im damn close to done, but they gotta be shittinnn me! t     even went as far as sayin mine was better than his, tha he didnt even like his...yeah, fuck tha! i know they all dont lie when it comes to criticism, n everythin else they said was helpful, but its always hard for me to take kind words. im mad critical, but ill always see the goodness in all works except my own. takes a lot for me to be happy wit a piece, n a lot more for me to believe compliments before i am. its much needed support though, n i always appreciate it. i jus cant help but feel so undeserving of it all. 


when t     talks about his dreams of being an art teacher, i love the way he gets all sentimental ♥


i know im blessed, every minute. but its hard to always remember. thas why days like these keep me grounded.


but noballs mostly makes me miserable.


problems:

1) i make myself unapproachable, not always intentionally

2) im judgemental n unfriendly n terrible as fuck some days. i want to love people, but those days i feel incapable of it

3) i get lonely a lot, but i dont know if being with more people i dont honestly care for n vice versa is right 

4) making friends at noballs is hard

5) miss seniors '10 much more than i ever imagined i would, especially j    !

6) everyday, i feel guilty for being there cos the truth is tha a thousand individuals desire n deserve my spot a thousand times more than i do. 

7) after 5 years, im still not happy to be there. if anything, i feel even less happy. then i feel guilty again. i dont deserve this, in both senses: i am unworthy of the resources n i am worthy of a better suited environment n more stable happiness. 


were so cozy wit each other, even though its nothing more than the two of us being accepting of our mutually affectionate nature. when you were lying on top of me n crushing my hips in a kinda comfy way, i wondered if ms. w       was uncomfortable hahahah! n its funny cos m    asked me today if anything was going on...i said nope, so she was like, "yeah i didn't think so but it was questionable! then again, i cant even talk cos thas basically the same thing as me n blah blah! jus wanted to confirm tha cos blah blah blah asked the same thing when we walked by n saw you two!" made me realize afh forreal shapes so much of me, of everyone. cos there, no one assumes people are a couple jus cos of pda...its jus how friends work! we dont keep any love inside :) at most other places, like noballs, those lil interactions get people jumping to conclusions real quick, when wed all be much happier people if we jus broke the social norms of platonic relationships.


still, i wish he would play wit my hands wit the intent of commitment. i truly appreciate the warmth of bodies on mine, but the feeling never lingers long in my mind if the emotions arent there. 


i miss late night phone calls from across the country, n hearing tha you were happier talking to me than clubbing wit your biddies. goddamn your sweet nothings tha run through my head from time to time. 


got thai iced tea n banh mi, n remembered how your favorite is beef.


i wish you were happier with your relationship. its like some new shit comes up every week; a miscommunication this time, an accusation later. moments of doubt tha get you wondering why youre still dealing wit this all. never leaving cos you love him too much, too much to stop subjecting yourself to his ingratitude. i wonder if you love him more than yourself. i think you do, even though you answer tha you dont know. i wish i hadnt cancelled our dinner plans, so you wouldnt be alone all night. i was feelin too tired to say i was down for it. sorry but i jus hadda be selfish for the night.


im really happy tha you had a good time tonight, cos i worry tha youve been feelin slump-y lately. keep ya head up n get someeeee girlie!


the mothers so damn proud of her nails, as ashamed as she is of her wrinkly hands. ive always thought they were lovely though. reminds me of tha really nice short story tha was on the psat.


d    keeps wishing she could go back to st. marys. i keep wishing i could afford her tuition for her n her lil bro.


worried as fuck cos the deadline you first told me was friday, but in actuality, its fucking tuesday. fucking damn.


my grades are bouta be shit, n they legit matter this year. maybe seeing em forreal will make me care about academics more. its hard to have values but lack focus and emotional commitment to to them. youre being a fucktard, k  .


c   h   s too patient ♥ needa appreciate tha more.


i remember being in your very shoes, n still feel the influences of those days. i remember being so eager to get out, to get to "there" simply cos it would always be better than "here". our hopes exist only to paint expectations in dim light. reality aside, we invest ourselves in the unproven n things not promised for the relief tha no one can give or take from us. nothing around matters, jus tha fleeting sense of invincibility... jus dont grow up too fast, babe. i know its hard though, caught up in the situations tha you are. it was sweet to read your personal essays


falling in love wit arnold schwarzenneger ♥ kindergarten cop is the shizzzz


last night was nice, forreal :) im happy tha i went, n tha the people were good even if we werent close. it was mad fun jus chillin! m    n his band made me damn jealous too, made me wish i had tha type of tightass friend group tha bonds over shared talent!


m     is soooo fuckin hilarious! i was standing outside alone drinking water from a cup n texting cos i didnt have reception inside. then he jus comes up from behind me n asks, "k  , are you okay???" n i turn around n im like, oh, yeah, im fine, wassup? n he goes, "oh, i jus got worried bout you cos i saw you from inside n all i could tell was tha you were drinking something from a weird little cup! its jus water, not alcohol or anything right?? sorry i jus wanted to make sure you were okay!" LOL! we started dyingggg for a few minutes! but forreal, hes too fuckin adorable, the way he openly cares for everyone whether hes tight wit them or not! tooooo funny n sweet! he forreal could notttt be any nicer. i jus wish he could get tha girl of his dreams! he deserves her :) it always sucks to watch such good-hearted people struggle with loving so easily n then bearing rejection. he jus hasnt chosen the right person for him, happens to all of us all the time. but like they say, there are no mistakes, only lessons. 


im amped bout my concentration ideas :)


i love you again. all it took was remembering tha your last mistake doesnt define who you are, its who youve been all along tha does. n tha was always more than enough for me.


dont you dare make me a friend of convenience. then again, maybe thas all im worth if its exactly what im aiming to do to some around me... this is high school. fuck over-thinking n sensibility. 


i see now why i cant love who you are... but tha doesnt seem to matter to you anyway, so its whatever. 


"it aint right to write a bad love song..."
"hearts up for breaking is some way to say, i love you..."
blood of my heart - power struggle x denizen kane x big drew


"be deeply in love, but that is still not enough." - xuan dieu


♥

13 Ways of Feeling Heat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirteen_Ways_of_Looking_at_a_Blackbird


a lil poem from sophomore english, modeled after a famous steven wallace piece. no edits. i turned it in just like this, n i dont remember loving my grade...fuck proper punctuation n shiettt...


still, i kinda like it cos of the nostalgia n how personal parts of it are. take what you will :)

i

in the midst of dim chilly morning rays

the only thing you know coming

is the promise of heat

ii

i've the memory of sensations

buried in my bones

like heat nestled in deserts

iii

heat swirled in the shadow and whir of ceiling fans

we stood still

iv

the skin and the damp air 

are one

but the skin and air and heat

compete

i do not know which to prefer

the caressing sultriness of summer

or the fervency found within ourselves

the enveloping happiness the heat brings

or what happens in between

vi

dreamers fill the streets

without plans

the heat of reality

beating them

abusing their hope

they return to insatiable jobs

demeanors indecipherable

vii

young artist

why do you dream of summery nights

sleepwalk through reality

if the heat was always here?

don't you feel the warmth

of your pulsing aspirations?

viii

i know the intangible foundation

they embody for me

and heavy oppression

but i know too

that heat is involved

in what i feel

ix

when you first leaned in to hear my words

i felt your warmth

which taught me everything

x

at the rise of temperature

marking the renewed presence of heat

even you with sweat glistening on your cheeks

smiled wildly

xi

we rode beneath the city

in packed metal bullets

always, someone's tired damp flesh

on yours

would make you mistake heat 

as only sluggish weather

xii

the heat is reaching cores

the world must be changing

xiii

it was summer only two months

heat was building

and it was going to build

all laid bellies up

on cement floors

♥