Surprises All Around

I needa jus fucking dump about last Friday night…

It’s not as fresh in my mind anymore, but still clear. N I've less emotions in the way of the truth, so words are flowing to me a lil easier too.

Basically, I went into the night with such high hopes for all the best outcomes of a situation I thought had such potential. I wasn’t about to homewreck, but I wanted to be friendly to T__ n just reciprocate whatever he put out for me, and if history repeats itself, then he'd be extremely  sweet, affectionate, allover me. I wanted that. I wanted just that. And in my fucked up lil head I justified that if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be homewrecking cos it meant he didn’t have genuine, deep feelings for the girl in the first place, n that he was coming onto me n not the other way around. I did want to tell him though, to just tell him straight up that I did have feelings for him, but that I understood he had already “moved on.” Woulda said that I just thought he deserved to know…but watta bitch move right? Why would anyone do such a shitty thing, to acknowledge someones progress but try to pull em back. Then again, it wouldn’t have mattered cos he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore, right?

(Y____ calls me huffy for all this lol.)

Uugh. I feel stupid just thinking about this ish.

Best case scenario that I kept hoping for, was so pathetically confident about, was that T__ n I would spend a lot of the night together, just enjoying each other’s company n being at least half-honest about what feelings were or were not there. That’s it. I’m a stupid lil hoe, for wanting him to just miss me and realize that she's not good for him. It's just so fuckin selfish of me to want him now, regardless of the situation…if I didn’t already know about the girl, then in my defense, he initiated everything, gave me the signs that it would be okay to want to be with him. I keep thinking about the way he was to me just over a month ago when I was there, n about all the things he said to N__ like if I wanted to start over, or why she didn’t tell him I slept alone so that he could sleep in his bed with me. All said while he was with that girl. You don’t think like that when you truly care about your significant other, n when you do, you out yourself n the fact tha they're only around to fill your loneliness…but what do I know about their intentions right? N I cant even play dumb through all this…its not right…stupid stupid stupid. Get the fuck over yourselfffff, K__.

So the reality was…everything was different.

Dammit. I just feel like such a stupid fucking cockyass bitch...

I was all nervous but excited to see him. Then, when he's finally home, he pops into the kitchen where N__ n I are, n is half-surprised, half-idgaf to see me. So I say, “Hi, T__!” to which he just says, “Oh. Hey, K__,” before heading to his room…

Yeahh that’s cool…nice to see you too...

There was just barely any emotion to his tone or his expression. He looked exhausted from work, but even more exhausted to see me…

So that was disappoint #1.

#2. Dinner

Food's ready, so I knock on his door frame to get his attention. Door's already open, he's standing around on his phone but it's not a call. “Hey, wassup,” he says, mad nonchalant, barely any eye contact or attention. I tell him dinner's ready, he says he'll be there in a minute. I turn n leave.

He comes in in his pj’s, n lifts his shirt to scratch his chest or whatever. He has a biiiig fuckin belly…not toned…at all…N__ n I are both staring like, the hell are you doing, so he just laughs n says he's itchy…

Next, the three of us, him, me, n N__, are sitting at the table together n eating. It sucked. Just maddd silence. He was damn focused on his food, n not into carrying conversations. I asked him about work, n all he really said was that it was stressful, exhausting, n that he had a month off from classes but would probably take up more shifts at Microcenter. He said the side jobs were coming in though, which meant good money. If I wanted to hear more, I would’ve had to keep asking him questions, but I wasn’t digging the vibes so I basically stopped trying, settled for silence.

N__ n I had our own talks across the table though, at times as if he wasn’t even there. Meaning I just wouldn’t look at him. N__ wasn’t digging him either cos he was insulting her cooking. When he had his head down in his food, we'd exchange looks, stares that meant we acknowledged the weirdness happening, n that it was frustrating the hell outa us.

At one point, N__ n I were joking about me being a hooker like we always do, n T__ pops up n goes, “Hey, cut that out,” or "Stop it,” something like that…n I was kinda like damn, chill your tits dude, n N__ told him it was a joke. It reminded me of how bad he felt over the summer for making the same jokes, thinking he took em too far. N that reminded me of how little he understands of my humor, my personality.

Towards the end of the dinner, there was a cute moment…he grabbed the ends of my chopsticks, looked at them, looked back at his, n then said, “I knew it. You split the chopsticks wrong.” Our pairs were mismatched, but we each had the other’s half. “I have your half, n you have my half. 1 half plus 1 half equals a whole. So together with two halves, we have a whole. Half yours, half mine.”

N then when he finished his bowl of rice, the rice I gave him, he told me, “I had just enough rice. You know me so well.”

N__ was gone by this time, so it was just me n T__ in the kitchen. He was by the sink washing dishes already, so I tried to take my time n just eat slowly enough so that he wouldn’t wait around to wash mine too, but he did…I pushed him away though so that I could, n he didn’t handle me the way he did last time. He just let me do what I wanted, kept his hands back.

I don’t know. The energy n the interactions the whole night were just different. Felt as if he was firmly creating distance between us, keeping things less than platonic. Even when I brought a piece of fluff bread inches from his mouth, he took it with his fingers instead. I know that 2 weeks earlier had been Thanksgiving n that the girls whole fam had come over to eat the food he n his mom prepared. I also know that he wants their parents to have a sitdown dinner to really meet n talk, which pissed Q__ off bcos he doesn’t believe their relationship's legitimate.

Then when Chi T_____ was on the phone with N__, she said I should go sleep with him bcos the girlfriend wasn’t there!! It was pure coincidence though! N__ hadn’t told anyone that I had feelings for him, n also said that Chi T_____ just really doesn't like the girl either from all the things the fam tells her. Literally no one but T__ likes the girl, but here he is making shit serious.

After we were out of the kitchen, T__ went to his room, shut his door, n I went to N__'s. n that was it. I didn’t see him again for the rest of my time there.

In the morning though, when I was half-awake, I laid there in N__'s room, petting sushi while watching the cracked door with blurry eyes. I could make out that T__'s bedroom n closet door were open, the light was on. I could hear him moving around, rustling clothes. So I laid there, eyes half-open, laid there hoping on the tiniest chance that he'd come in, “wake me up,” n say bye before he went to work…he didn’t.

Like I said in an email to K__, it made me so sad to see him unhappy in my presence, or not unhappy exactly, but maybe emotionless? I don’t know, I got the opposite of what I expected, just like I deserved. I wrote that I woke up sad that morning, n the morning after, n the morning after again. Yeah, earlier this week, I felt like shit. For more reasons than just this, but it had a part.

.

Then Thursday night, D____…like the fuck is happening all of a sudden? We ended up fb chatting for I think half an hour til 1:30 am, n then I reeeeeally needed sleep n pce'd. I can't deny that I was high n loopy as fuck from the minute I saw his wall post to me. Every minute that he hadn't im'ed back, I was twitchy n shaky n buzzing with joy n happiness for his every word. 

My godddd im a sucker! Sucha damn sucker for him!

But see, that’s the thing…I'm forreal unsure bout what this all means to me. I can't help but be so fuckin relieved n happy n thankful that he thought about me, but I don’t know what or how much that means for either of us. Feelings for him are still there, but much much subdued. I've taught myself to think of him less, for my own sake. Started wondering if I was forreal getting over that ish or just handling it differently. 

I crave D____'s presence, appreciate so much that we talked n hopefully will keep in better touch now that our break's are almost here n he'll be around. He even asked about getting froyoyoyo...♥ (Still, it reminds me of all the empty invites he's ever made to me...) I love that this means were friends, but I don’t know if I should still bother pursuing for much more, or if I should even burden myself with the feelings that come with that want. Even now, I can't help but see “us” as a lost cause, but stay clinging to the hope that we're not. Since day one I've held tight to that hope...since day fucking one...

Still, at least I can call him a friend, n that's more than I could have ever (realistically) asked for. It's also not something I'm willing to risk now.

I honestly do think that my feelings for T__ haven’t completely gone out the window, hahah. But my emotional depths for D____ are over a year in the making (not counting all the other years that I've known him/thought he was the shit). They exist year-round no matter how shallow at times. I just can't help but still want what I've always wished for. Feel meh?

N you know what else is crazy? That all this craycrayshit is part of my wish, the one I make with every wishbone n numerous numbers on the clock, daily.

18 months' worth of wishing...

The fuck does this all mean?

♥

My First Blood Donation

Big contrast to today, yesterday was a fucking good day ♥ my first blood donation was a breezeeeee n I got to be there with y____ bcos her slot was when I was still hooked up. I couldn’t stop laughing cos she was making silly faces n nervous as hell n just freakin the fuck outttt. Before she was even giving, she was hyperventilating pretty bad n basically ready to cry! But she did so welllll n was done damn quick! 

When Mr. Nguyen came in, he said, “k__! The whole nguyen clan is in here right now!” LOL 

Honestly, I was pretty damn nervous too cos I was worried bout fainting, not reacting well, or worst, being deferred :( m_____ came with me, which was so sweet of her ♥ but she hadda sit far away from me cos they couldn't have people standing in the narrow aisle (nurses needed easy access to patients), n then she had class n left. I felt so bad tha she was forreal sitting there for 15 min waiting for me tho! I had no idea!  

My blood test went fine (not anemic!!!), finding my vein was fine. All the nurses were so nice, n Martin Kimberly, the one who got me set up n everything was so good about my questions n taking care of me. I honestly couldn’t feel the needle inside my arm as I was squeezing the stress ball. It was all soooooo much less painful than I expected! So fucking easy! (But y____ said it hurt the whole time, especially the prick of the blood test n insertion...poor thanggg!) Seeing the needle just chillin in my arm was grossly amazing though. It just looked so clearly unnatural, n it didn't make sense to me how my skin n a thin layer of flesh was holding it in place n not letting any blood lose around the opening. The needle looked thickkkkk too. Reminded me of Requiem for a Dream, with all the nasty shots of the guy shooting up heroine into his open wounds. Yuck. Then he ends up getting his arm amputated. I hadda stop thinking bout that cos it wasn't a very good time to hahah. 

The color of my blood, slash everyone's, was so opaque n dark too. So ruby. Kinda beautiful, but still a lil gross. Hahah, I wanted to watch Martin take the needle outa me, but didn't since he told me to look away! Plus, I didn't wanna make him uncomfortable!

For most of my process, I was laying facing Mr. Moore, n I swear his face did not change the whole damn time. It was badass, so I tried the same thing, but ended up smiling a lot! Shot him a thumbs up when he was done, n he nodded back :) I always wonder if he knows me as the girl who misses a lot of assemblies...or if he even makes the connection between my name n my face.

Goodnizzz, I was just so stressed bout getting lightheaded, nauseous, or fainting, thus cutting my donation short. That paranoia was the worst part of the process, but it was all silly :) although it was a liiiiil concerning when I'd try to get up or move after I'd been bandaged n Martin n another nurse would come to me reallll quick n ask me to just stay down! They were seriously so worried but I wasn’t even sure why! They hadn’t been that way with anyone else, n they did it 3 times. Lol all good though, I was just so happy that everything went smoothly :) n it was perfect the way the slots worked out, cos I got to just chill with apple juice n snackies n be there for y____ during hers. I think we've been noticeably closer since the weekend! N ohhhh damn I felt so bad when we were on our way out n I knocked her juice over a table thing in the front of the trailer! We flipped a shit, n were cleaning it up as sneakily as we could!

As he was setting me up, Martin told me, “Thank you. You’re gonna save 3 people’s lives today.”

♥

It's such an interesting, dumbfounding thing to think about, the concept of saving a single, much less 3, lives. Me, of all people hahah. It made me so happy to hear that n think, fuck yeah! I can do that! I mean, I know not every situation that requires blood transfusions are life-or-death matters, but to wonder about the possibility of dying bcos of a lack of immediate supplies, a lack of means…it's something so preventable. So what if it hurts, if im sore, if im tired? It’s a blessing to be alive n healthy, n a sin to be selfish. 

I've known so many people who've received blood transfusions in surgeries, including chi h___ n ba noi. I might've had one when I was 3 too. But basically, I know n have seen how heartbreaking it is to be extremely sick, so why would I not help improve someones health if I have the option?

I just always feel that I don't give enough in my life. With all my blessings, I don't feel that I do enough to pay my dues, to truly deserve them. 

Mr. W_____'s story in class about his newborn needing 3 blood transfusions in the first 24 hours of life, n the way he was choking up, was just amazing. Old people are so sweet.

More lil details: spilled ice cream in Ms. W_____’s car :( sometimes, h____'s sucha douche n doesn’t appreciate me. But whatever, hes not worth stressing. N the a2a hot pot dindin was sooooo nice :) then at night, even though I stayed up til 1:30, it was worth it cos I had some maaad funny convos tha jus added to the good mood I had going. Mostly l____, b____, n s_____. Yeah, Tuesday was a damn good day. Today was depressing, but tomorrow's a new start.

Lets get itttt!


♥

Sick Day

I'm fucking disappointed n upset with how my day was.

I woke up in pain, still sprawled on my bed n not understanding what was going on. So I get up n out to do my usual routine, but just straightening my spine to stand up was killinggggg me like a mofo n it scared the fuck outa me. I could feel shooting pain from my lower back, maybe even my tail bone area, n stomach cramps for no goddamn reason. I was nauseous from the pains. Every little movement that engaged my back killed. I was so confused at first n kept tryna shake it off, but it only got worse. I limped, hunched over, to the bathroom, brushing my teeth while leaning over because standing straight hurt too much. Made it up the stairs to shower, still not believing just how painful every movement was, from bending down to pulling my shirt off. I jus could not straighten my back out, like all the muscles n joints in my lower back resisted n refused to get into alignment without a fight. In the shower, the pain got to the point where I couldn’t even stand hunched over anymore, I just plopped down n sat there in the water, which was better but still sucked ass. Getting back down the stairs was terrible, everything I was feeling was just intensifying. 

Told ma ba bout what was happening, slash however much I knew of what was happening, but that I needed to go to school for at least one period to meet Mr. Joe Bodanza n his polio patient flown from Vietnam (found out through a__ his name was Tuan...n on a side note, that clown found her damn phone!!!). I just wanted nothing more than to be able to be there for that one event, to meet them, that was all I wanted. The mother stuck salonpas on me n told me to wear her back band or something, which was a giant, wideass rubber band meant to hug my waist n back. So damn tight n uncomfortable. It straightened out my back for me but was making shit feel fucking worse. 

Goddamn I had all my clothes on, I had that much determination to get to school, but I lost it when I was doing my eyeliner in the dining room, sitting in a chair in front of the mirror cos I couldn't stand. Just that, just sitting, was so fucking painful that it broke me. I didn’t understand why I was feeling so much muddafucking stiffness in my lower back that triggered pains with every movement n in every position. I gave up then, I was literally choked up from the pain n on the verge of bawling, struggling back to my bed. Limping, standing, hunching, sitting, were all struggles. I couldn’t even imagine how I was gonna get from the door to the car, much less from the car to assembly, n from assembly to acc, where I'd sit for who knows how long. It was seriously breaking my spirit just how crippled I was by god knows what that was. 

I laid down at 7:13, flat on my back n even that was fuckin miserable. Ma told me ba already called the school, to tell them I wouldn’t be coming in, but ma reassured me that if I felt okay after laying down a few minutes, we'd see if I could make it. Deep breaths hurt. I texted y____ n n__. 7:15 n I was not feeling any better, n just wanted time to fly by to 7:25 to see how much 8 minutes could do. I open my eyes again right at 7:25 n I feel no change, couldn’t even sleep. N that was it. Told ma that I needed to stay home today. Opened my eyes one last time at 7:45, even though I'd already accepted that leaving was impossible.

I was gonna miss Mr. Joe n Tuan, the only reasons why I wanted to be at noballs today. But here I was, literally crippled in bed. I don't think I've had a day as physically miserable as today, not even the days after the walk for hunger, n that’s fucking saying a lot. Never have I felt so much torturous tightness in my back paired with crazyass cramps in my stomach n abdomen that were nauseating, made it hard to breathe, n had me wanting to full out sob from the pain. The fuck happened to me today...

One day was all they had at nobles, one day. Not even. One 40 minute block. All I wanted was to meet them, hear their inspiring stories of hope and pure warm-hearted intent and drive. I wanted to hear Mr. Joe himself talk about his commitment n dedication to Child Medical, n Tuan share his experiences as a Vietnamese victim of polio n receiver of Mr. Joe's charity. I just know they're amazing people, n I wanted this rare opportunity to personally connect with them so damn badly. What an honor n privilege it woulda been to be able to shake their hands, listen to their words, n just be in their presence. My god, it's been a very long time since ive wanted to go to noballs so damn bad.

The worst part, is realizing now that maybe I could’ve swallowed a couple of pills to make the pain bearable, then gotten to meet them n gotten through my school day. But fuck, why didn’t I think of that sooner? Ma ba didn’t even suggest it, but I don’t really blame them. We don’t have anything in the house but I coulda so easily picked something up on the way to school. Dammit I'm stupid. Maybe I woulda thought of that in the moment if I wasn't always stubborn n habitually took more meds.

The next time I woke up was 11 or so, n already all of the intense shit was just gone. Like it had come, done its shitty job, n passed. There was still mad tightness, but it was jus a lil worse than the usual shit I feel on most mornings. N now, after a whole day, im basically back to normal, even though I do still feel some of it. Like whattttt the hell was that?!?!

Ma told me this happened before, years ago. Just as randomly as it had to me this morning. Ma was reaching for something n all of a sudden, ma's whole body went stiff n tight, n took days to recover. Ma said that ever since that first time, her body's never been the same, n neither would mine.

:(

Hurt like a mofo. Beyond even my pain tolerance. I still cant believe all that I felt was real. I was jus fucked over so damn bad.

Fuck being limited by my health. 

Fuck letting my body kick my will power's ass.

Fuck it.

♥

Wednesday Workday

Even my writing style changes with my mood! Had sucha lovely time wednesday, n all the good energy i went home with carried over into the next day. Didnt last long though...

" Im jus a lil amazed at how much better i could focus tonight on homework after coming home from afh :) all the happiness forreal went straight into my concentration, n for the first time since maybe the first week of noballs, im done b4 12!

Im legit so content right now :)

E     is toooo fucking dope! He drives a nice ford or jeep or something...i suck wit cars...but its a big car n he looks fuckin cool when he drives hahahahh. So as o    n i are walking to the bus stop from noballs, he sees us, honks, n pulls up to us, asking where were going. Then o    asks for a ride n hes totally cool wit it! I was def taken aback! He always seemed a lil grumpy to me, but here he was being friendly n chill as hellll. So he drove us the few minutes way to the stop, bumpin jayz, watch the throne! I was like wooooahhhhh who is this??!!! Mad nice!! N soon as we thanked e     n got off, bus pulled right up :D same wit the orange line, AND the red line! Our timing was too goodddd. But yeah, mad love n respect for e     now tha ive seen this side of him. Def one of those “the time to make up your mind about someone is never” moments! So much bout him, bout everyone, tha ill never know unless im lucky for times like this. I wanna bake him cookies hahahah

P   has a tat! Got it on sat, its a celtic cross on his biceps, its cleannnnn! N i love p  , hes jus maddd nice n too funny! He makes me feel like who we hang out with determines nothing, n thas a rare gift at noballs. I heard bout him showing it off in journalism thru s     , n den behind me in the line for the all school pic. j       was tryna rub off his fresh tat so p   was screaming, “wat the hell are you doing?!” j: “checking to see if its fake.” Hahahahah

Grinding up against o    from behind in the all school photo was not the biznizzz...n    was mad funny n adorable behind me tho! Been a minute since i talked to her like i did today. So many good vibes today tha made me want to be closer to so many pples

Another one of those damn shitty school days cos i was running on 4 hours, didnt care about anything in class, wished i could actually give a fuck, struggled with almost walking to lunch alone, wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about everything, yet still had to do mad in class shit like the race essay. It was a scaryass long Wednesday.

But then i got to afh, saw familar n new faces, did my thing n painted, n everything was good again. :) honest to the universe, i was happy. It kinda sucks how much of a surprise it is everytime i find myself not feelin shitty lately, but thats the truth of this.

Maddd nerves in the studio at first! Cos it was my first day with my canvas while it was everyone elses second, n mad shit like my reputation was riding on my productivity today. I did ok tho, got proportions down n all white spaces covered. Everyones is lookin ill already, n thas both intimidating n inspiring. Im feelin more confident now tho, now tha i realized i can still paint :) having it all in front of me now, the culmination of the anxiety n the sketching process, makes me happy, cos im falling in love with the medium all over again n im loving wat im doing. Afh is my fuckin sanctuary. <3 the energy n purpose of afh reteaches me how best to live every time. Its beyond my own understanding how deeply its roots have taken hold of me in the most positive ways. I thank all things good for my blessings

W    's sucha teddy bear! Hes still kinda a beginner but he can painttt!! He jus needs more confidence, same wit me ahah. N were set up right next to each other for mutual support, n its a healthy system :) its damn comforting to hear him compliment my work, even more when he jus stands back n watches me paint, saying nothing. Daaaaw hes the best!

My graphics boysssss, how i missed them! It was so good seeing em again, even tho their studios down to half. Actually, most of the studios were smaller, esp the paint studio! I was damn blown away by how spacious the room was! Sculpture grew tho.

J     asked me at one point, outa the blue, "do girls just wanna have fun?" hahahahah <3

Aaaahhh so good seeing n   <3 i miss herrrr, tha babe. We couldnt spend tha much time together tho cos we both hadda work, but we goofed off a lil after we were off n i was waiting for ba to pull up. I needa date wit her soonsiesss!

L    was mad tha h      ditched her again. Sucks to give a fuck! Teehee, jus kiddingg!

Video interviewed me real quick, n i felt so awkward answering their questions on the fly, knowin i was on camera n under an intense light! Which reminds me, a     texted me earlier this week!! Shes suchaaaa sweetie, jeeezzz its amazing! Shes holding my words against me, so i gotta plan the cake balls day asapperssss!

My god. My heart dropped at one point. I was just starting to paint, laying down the composition in glazes n chalk, when h      the photo mentor comes n stands between my n w    's easles, so to my right. Then s       was there cos shed called him over, so the two of em now right next to me. N thats when h      asked,

“is d          here?”

my concentration shattered with the rush of thoughts devoted to him. What a blessing and a curse, never forgetting d    , not even for a day or night.  

s       answered, “no, d    's not here.”

H     , “oh. We wanted to photograph him with his chairs.”

Some quiet facial expressions are exchanged, n then she moves on. But i was still processing what had happened in tha one moment.

Of all places n times for tha convo to take place, it happened to be right where i was. Like it was something intended for my ears too

I dont know how to handle these signs. These “signs.” 

I didnt for a second fool myself into hoping he might be at afh today. I was smart enough (today) to accept the things i already know.

When ba picked me up, we got thai iced tea n cafe sua da from ba le in dorchester :) it was nice, n unexpected. ba doesnt usually suggest food trips

Ive been thinking, some days i cant take the way ma ba make me feel like less of a person, less of a progressively growing individual, but other days i feel sorry tha im their daughter. I feel sorry tha im not good enough, tha im not wat they deserve. Some days. " 

Friday PM Pt. 2

So here i am, dorky gushing n no censors. Reading my journals makes me feel so raw n exposed sometimes... n i swear hes not the only thing i ever write about ;)

(Only edits i made were to names.)

Before 9/9

"The best moment of my day was during ap art, when ms. v      was talking bout field trips. She mentioned risd, n immediately I gasped n broke out into smiles, n started covering up my laugh cos o    was enjoying watta fool I was! I couldn’t rly believe my own reaction either! Kinda embarrassing cos no one else understood y I was so happy bout her jus mentioning risd. I kept tryna control my face, but for a while I kept smiling while still biting my lip. She kept talking, saying tha if we wanted to, we could all go down on a Sunday by commuter rail n check out their galleries, specifically one with students’ application drawings. Their galleries. Risd’s galleries. Where d     works. Imagine if we went n d     happened to be on his shift. What the fuck would I do?! Would I text him first to let him know id b there wit my class? Probably not, cos id make up a reason in my head not to, like not wanting to be the first one to text since we last saw each other. Oh my god, I wouldn’t know wat to do if I saw him down there. What would I say? How would he react? What if he forgot my name…? Shit, would I even be happy to see him if it would only sustain n even renew my feelings for him? See, shit like this, little daily shit like this, get me wondering if these are signs. N if they are, what the fuck are they spose to mean? What am I spose to think or do when this type of ish happens? Stop thinking bout him all together? Get the fuck over everything? I jus wish I had some insight sometimes, or better signs! Or even better, communication. I jus want the words n catalysts thall give me closure, or the best reasons there are to stay hoping for what seems so unreal at this point..."

After 9/9

"I saw d    .

I was goin down a street to afh, late for the commish meeting, n he was heading towards me, fr afh. Rollin his bike. Its impossible for me to mistake his frame n his black bike wit the light handle bars.

I was alone on tha sidewalk, so I cussed. Said, “oh my fucking god…”

So much was goin thru my head, tha nothing made sense. I was crazy happy n stunned n unprepared n scared n upset n worried n shocked n panicky n relieved n happy n happy n happy. I was senseless with everything tha I felt. So senseless. Every thought tha I had of him these past few weeks, like scenarios n memories on replay n rehearsed lines for when id see him next, abandoned me in this moment of dropped guards. I couldn’t think a single thing to say to him, wit all the chaos awake inside me.

Tha was the first time all week I really felt like myself again.

I remembered summer as real again, as having forreal happened, as being the only thing tha makes n keeps me happy, cos I forget sometimes when at my shittiest. I forget tha my emotions can overwhelm me wit their heat, tha memories can save me...

Im avoiding writing bout d    …

Im still jus a fucking mess on the inside right now…to the point tha I don’t know how to even journal bout him bout myself. Goddang it.

Im 15 min late for the commish meeting, told s       id b there at 5 but commuting fr Dedham is sucha fucking bitch, esp when teachers b keeping u later than theyre spose to. Like forreal pple? See the time? U don’t have my attention for another minute cos im clocking out now. N den it was a sweaty walk to the bus stop, the one where the bus comes round maybe every half hour. Fuckk. Townies needa get hip to mbta.

So were both walking, n as we get closer, he waves to me. We stop. I say wassup d    ! N he says hey k   in tha way he always does, tha d     way where hes quietly happy n his voice is still flat. Den we jus stood there on the sidewalk, his bike right between us, n we talked, n it was nice. So nice. He was on his way home cos hed jus finished painting all 10 chairs hed been given. He was coming in now n den ever since the summer session ended. Had a class at risd tha he signed up for n went to on Thursday, den took the commuter rail back up jus to finish his last 3 chairs. I couldn’t even hear wat type of classes he said they were, damn. But basically he jus wanted to learn more, n thas y they were scheduled b4 he moved in n officially had his first day. Move in was actually the next day for him, so Saturday. He talked bout how he was barely getting paid, n I laughed cos hes still getting 12 an hr. He told me his bike tire popped, tha he hadda take the train home. He laughed when I made fun of him goin, ohh nooo not the train! He laughed a few times at what I said. He remembered I was on the commish proj, told me everyone was already up in the studio. He told me my bag was open, n I got mad cos I didn’t kno how long itd been like tha. I yelled bout getting there fr Dedham, n how my bag opened b4 too. He told me he was gonna go home, eat, watch tv, sleep. He said bye, then opened his free arm n leaned over his bike between us so we could hug, n I wish id hugged tighter. Tha was when he told me bout my bag, n I was still grumbling bout it even as wed started to walk opposite ways.

I cant even fully remember everything tha was said n happened, but it felt much longer n like there was more content than wat I jus described, i swear.

I did leave feeling regretful.

All the things id been wanting to say to make my last minutes wit him a real goodbye came rushing back, hit me square in the face til I wanted to lose it thinking bout how id missed my chance. I wanted to give opportunities for visits n contact, wanted to put the ball in his court n see how hed respond, then n later. Wanted to tell him id miss him. There was nothing awkward bout us right then, n everything felt right but urgent. I jus couldn’t grasp the words cramped in my head. I wished id kept the conversation going, instead of letting him decide when he was done, when he wanted to walk off wit his bike.

He didn’t mention the next time hed be around, or the next time hed visit afh, or any shit like coming home. I shoulda asked, shoulda asked den told him to let me know n make plans wit me whenever he did.

Shoulda told him I watched before sunrise and before sunset.

Yet another anticlimactic goodbye, when I thought id have to make the memory of the one b4 last.

His nose was runny, n I wondered how long hed been sick. I shoulda asked. Coulda made a joke bout him still havin my disease.

He looked pretty tired.

In my mind, the whole time, I kept remembering tha he was on his way home, so I didn’t wanna keep him too long. But at the same time, I was wondering how long hed want to stand there jus to talk to me.

The vibes were good, but what stuck out was how friendly we were. I didn’t feel wanted being wit him, like I sometimes would if he came over to where I was by the windows in the studio. That kinda thing. I didn’t feel anything hopeful from it, n thas probably a good thing. Yet, from the way I was thinking b4 it happened, I def was planning on havin said certain things tha might’ve given me important responses to remember. Maybe the shock of even seeing him again 10 or x months b4 I thought I would rly overcame me. Maybe I wasn’t fully there, wasn’t present mentally. I was exhausted, nervous bout lookin nasty n sweaty, n jus so overwhelmed by everything tha seeing him brought to me. I think I kept worrying bout the next moment, the next minute, like what he or I might say or when hed decide he needed to keep walking. I was so worried bout tryna plan this “goodbye” down to the seconds tha I wasn’t focused on the herenow (ill-lit reference hahah).

Idk if im still making sense, cos it jus barely does in my head let alone in words.

Im still jus so overwhelmed from what couldntve been much more than 5 min

Again, I left him without closure.

Im still clinging.

Den I forfeited my pride n texted him, when part of me refused to bcos I would be again putting the effort in.

Tryna find it in my phone. I can only find his, not mine. But basically

7:00 me: “forgot to say have a good school yr, n hit me up when youre back! N my school might come visit risds galleries n museum”

7:39 d: “Thanks yo. You too :D and tell me when you do come if you do!”

around 7:50 me: “yee! Thanks n I will! Don’t watch too many movies on the job! Bye daviddd!”

7:53 d: “Lol. Laters”

and there it is. That’s it. Is it overanalyzing to say he jus doesn’t care, judging the way his last texts to me for a while went?

I keep thinking I deserve better than someone who doesn’t make any efforts to keep in touch or even shows tha they give the littlest shit bout me…but im also still wondering, why the hell doesn’t he? I know maybe circumstance might jus not b right, but why cant I be the reason they become so? Im asking stupid shit now

I don’t regret not telling him, cos I feel tha even rejection wouldn’t change my feelings for him much. N to tell him would risk the little potential we do have for the future.

See that? I needa stop thinking bout “our potential” cos thas bullshit n I know better

One day, these feelings wont weigh so heavy on my dreams n my body. They wont translate to the desire to sleep awake forever. They wont translate to laying still in bed with stiffness allover, my mind n memories beyond my control. 

I jus need time.

N its part of why I so badly want to get this tatted, from mayda del valle:

“I feel the truth of this deep in my bones”

I could write pages n pages bout this boy, but I got other shit I needa do..."