Still In Mind

Now n then, i like to go back n read past journal entries, just to cross examine myself, to pick up on any groundbreaking transitions that i couldnt have noticed from day to day. Never anything too fucking serious though, which isnt good n isnt bad 


" N I realized earlier tha im levelheaded by nature, but I get so insensibly n stubbornly hopeful n wishful wen specific emotions of mine r involved, n become overpowering... how differently I analyze relationships wen im madd emotionally dependent on the person at the other end... "


(Still out of my control.)


" Im a bipolar wreck bcos of his presence, n still I love it. Id crash in these letdowns repeatedly until he finally found feelings for me. Id bear it simply cos to me, hes worth the waiting n the stressing... "


(Still mean it, but less so the second part.)

" It meant so much to me, even if ur intentions were far from wat I wish they were... Ur killin me wit uncertainty n weak communication, n yet ur keeping me clinging with those same moves... "


(Still true.)

" Or am I not enough for u? Or has there always been another girl? Maybe I misinterpreted the signs, misinterpreted wats happened between us. maybe 'we' aren’t in the universe’s intentions after all. N as much as shit blows when feelings arent mutual, id still b happy if u were happy wit the path laid for u. but itd b magic to break fate together n jus be... "


(Still insecure like this, still speculating, still wishing him the best, but wanting him to myself less.)